I Just Want to Go Home

09/26/2012

Have you ever had a “DUH” moment, when you realize God has been trying to teach you a lesson for, say, 7 months and then you finally get it?

The other night I was having a self-pity fest. It was just me and Ali hanging out for the evening and I didn’t want to be a bad influence so thankfully, this conversation was just in my head. I was so sick of living at my parents’ house and I was making a list. So sick of not knowing where the tomato sauce is. So sick of cleaning up other people’s drips on the counters. So sick of not having a big plastic serving spoon like the one we have in storage. So sick of storing dishes in my bedroom closet. So sick of this. So sick of that. So sick of feeling like I don’t have a home.

That’s when it hit me. My parents’ house is great and they have been so, so generous to let us stay with them. They provide groceries, many cooked meals, shelter, food, lights, help with childcare, and much more all for a little rent. They’re kind and they give us much grace. We’re getting a great deal and I know, I really do know, that we are very blessed to be here right now while our new home is being built.

Even with all that provision and all that love, its just.not.home. Not my home. Finally after all these months, the message was loud and clear:

Before you make your new home and open it up to more foster kids, I want you to truly understand how frustrating it feels to not have a home. Even with a cozy house, even with tons of provision, even with loving parents, you can still feel homesick—homesick for a place you cannot go.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

1st Familiversary!

09/24/2012

Are you familiar with the term “familiversary?” I think Foster Parenting Podcast made it up. Some people call it “Gotcha Day” (usually when traveling to meet a child and bring them home for adoption) or “Family Birthday.” It’s not Adoption Day…it’s the day that we became a family unofficially, but a very real family.

• • •

On September 21, 2011 Jason and I were just sitting down to dinner on our back patio when my phone rang. I went in the house to grab a paper and pen and started repeating details out loud as I jotted down notes and shot some glances at Jason.

“Two-month old baby girl.”

“Bi-racial…white and hispanic…”

Umm hmm. Ok. Uh huh. I scribbled down information about her biological siblings and her situation.

“Can you hang on a second while I talk to my husband?”

It was just shy of 3 weeks from the day we said goodbye to Ladybug and we were still grieving. We thought we’d wait a month-ish before saying yes to a call. We had gotten plenty of calls but they were all outside of our parameters so it was easy (easier…) to say no.

Jason’s response to this call: “The only reasons I can think of to say no to this one are completely selfish.” Which meant yes. YES.

“Yes!”

I let my dinner go cold as I snapped into hyper nesting mode. Are there clean sheets on the crib? Do we have any baby clothes? Blankets? How much do 2-month-olds eat? How often? How much do they sleep? I realized I was completely clueless. Remember all those What to Expect books you read while you were growing a baby for 9 months? Yeah, nada here. So I called my sister-in-law Ginger who had just had my niece 7 months prior and she gave me bullet points (which is all my brain could handle) on what kind of bottles to get, a typical daily sleeping/eating schedule, a few suggestions like bibs and burp cloths, and an invitation to call her any time of the day or night.

An hour later, this precious little peanut was delivered to our house. I’ve been saving this picture to share today. It’s the first picture I took of our beautiful girl to send to family and friends. I even managed to accidentally get our DCS agreement paperwork into the picture, too.

Our life will never be the same—it’s so much better now because of our dear little Alianna!

It’s a fun coincidence that I happen to have pictures of both myself and Jason on September 21, 2011. I was dressed up for a meeting and wanted to remember my outfit for future reference.

Jason was trying to help me to relax and calm down before my important meeting so he was playing his guitar for me, while I chilled out…in our nursery!

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Favorite Moment: The Butterfly Effect

09/21/2012

I wrote a guest post over on the blog of Farrah Frye today about one of my favorite moments as a foster parent. I just recently discovered Farrah’s blog. She’s a foster mama to four older kids and I love her positive attitude and adoration of her kids. I’m honored that she asked me to share a story on her website. I hope you’ll check it out!

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Posted by mahlbrandt

September 1, 2011

08/30/2012

Saturday is September 1. Isn’t it funny how a date can be insignificant for so many years and then instantly become important. September 1, 2011. Since then I’ve been referring to it as the hardest day of my life. It was the day we said goodbye to our first daughter, our first child, the little lady that made Jason and I parents for the first time… Ladybug. I was looking back at my posts from last year and I don’t think I ever wrote much about that day. We had a vacation to Florida planned (coincidentally) for just a few days later and I was in get-the-hell-out-of-here mode.

We had been parents for exactly 5 weeks. She was our first foster placement. We knew little about how the child welfare system worked at that point. Ladybug’s social worker and the rest of the department did not want her to exit state custody to go with a relative but they knew it was likely to happen in court on September 1. We trusted their judgement but we prayed for God to lead the decision, wanting nothing but the best for Ladybug. Her case worker was convinced it would be a mistake to release her to this relative and that if the judge made that decision, for sure Ladybug would be back. And she would call us back to be her foster parents again.

We knew her case was on the 9am docket on Thursday, September 1. The night before I reluctantly packed up her few belongings into her bags, with the addition of some new outfits and toys. I put a picture of the three of us in there with a note on the back, knowing that no one really recalls memories from that young. But I hoped that somehow she would remember us, remember being loved and cared for, remember having a daddy—even if it was just for 5 weeks. I prayed that she’d remember the things we taught her…not to hit and bite, to say “tank you” and “no tank you” and “peez.” I prayed and prayed and prayed for that little girl, still clinging to the hope that maybe she’d stay a while longer or maybe she’d be brought back to us.

I assumed that Ladybug’s case worker was going to tell us where to be and when but she assumed we knew. I was trying to resist the inevitable so I didn’t call for instructions. We went to our favorite coffee shop to wait for her call. Ladybug sat on Jason’s lap and played with a toy light saber while I snapped my last photo of her. Her bags were packed in the car. Her case worker did call, just before they were called into the courtroom. We were supposed to be there, with her bags, but we didn’t realize. We got directions and got there quickly to wait outside the courtroom. The courthouse was noisy, filled with kids, parents, foster parents, case workers, security guards, police officers and court workers. It’s a mostly awful place.

We sat on a bench in the hallway waiting for the session to end. When Ladybug’s relative emerged from the doors, we could see on her face what the judge had decided. She was thrilled. Ladybug seemed to have no attachment to her at all but willingly went to her (as she did to anyone). Her case worker filled us in on the details and asked if we’d brought in her bags. We hadn’t. Jason and Ladybug’s relative went out to the parking lot to exchange L’s things. I had a few more minutes to hold her and love on her until they returned.

There were so many things I wanted to say to her but none of it felt right. Jason and I each took a turn giving her one last hug and kiss. After my goodbye, I knew I had to hand her over. But I desperately didn’t want to. How could she possibly understand what was going on? This sweet child had been abandoned once already by the one she called “Mom” and now her new “Mom” was going to pass her off again? I wanted her new custodian to yank her out of my arms. I wanted Ladybug to feel my resistance…I wanted her to know we weren’t rejecting her, we weren’t giving her away, she was loved and wanted. And yet…I had to let go.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

She took a huge chunk of my heart with her.

As Jason and I grabbed hands and started down the stairs, I looked back at them. Ladybug never looked back. She never saw tears welling up in our eyes or the pain on our faces. As we walked out the courthouse doors, empty handed, we clung to each other and cried. The words of an older friend at our church echoed through my head. “You will get through this. You hold her up. And you hold him up. Support each other and you will get through this together, you hear me?”

I was expecting a storm to follow that moment, a dark valley, a night of mourning…but it never fully came. We were sad, yes. We went over to my parents house to make calls to our friends and family and to cry some more with my mom. I know a lot of people were praying us through that time. I knew in my mind that God wouldn’t ask us to do something seemingly impossible without miraculously equipping us. After going through that experience, I now know in my heart, without a doubt, that He will come through for me every time. It felt like I was in a bubble for the week to follow that dreaded goodbye. I kept thinking the bubble was going to pop and the world would come crashing in, but it never did. We were sheltered. There are still moments of grief and we’re reminded of her all the time. Her picture still hangs on the refrigerator, on my cubicle wall, in an album on my phone. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to take it down, if ever. I will always miss her and I will always love her.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Foster Care Terminology

08/08/2012

This is a follow up to my post on Adoption Terminology. The language of foster care is perhaps even more inconsistent, complicated and confusing. The most important point, in my opinion, is to put the label on the adult—the foster parent, not the child. Labels can be embarrassing for a child. A kid who is already feeling out of sorts after being plopped into a whole new family, school, church, etc. really doesn’t need to feel more set apart with the big juicy label “foster child.” A child who is in foster care, living with foster parents, does not need to be called a foster child. Please! If you ignore everything else in this post, take this to heart. Again, I’m thankful we haven’t had a child old enough to really understand these terms when they’re misused. This is from my experience and opinion:

Foster Care Terms
foster care – a federally-backed state-run program for children who have been removed from their biological parents’ custody, typically due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment. The government places these children as “wards of the state” into foster homes, group homes or residential treatment centers temporarily until a permanent long-term plan is made for the child. A child in foster care is in state custody. In most cases (75%?), the goal is for the child to be returned to his/her biological parents’ custody once they have met certain requirements, such as acquiring adequate housing and job, parenting classes, drug/alcohol treatment.

reunification – the process of transitioning the child back into custody of his/her biological parents; this is the goal of foster care most of the time

foster parents – the people who volunteered to parent a child who is in foster care

resource parents – our state (Tennessee) refers to foster parents as resource parents

foster home – the home of the foster parents

orphanage – a group home where children live 24/7 with around-the-clock caretakers while they wait to be adopted. it is my understanding that these no longer exist in the United States as research has shown that children thrive more in a family and home setting with the individual attention and love from foster parents.

foster care adoption / fost-adopt / pre-adoptive home – when a child in state custody becomes legally free to adopt (biological parental rights have been terminated), the foster parents typically are the go-to option to adopt the child because ideally a healthy, loving bond has already been established. the adoption is done through the state, as opposed to a private adoption, and is very inexpensive compared to other types of adoption. In Tennessee every foster home is an approved adoptive home. In some states, additional requirements may need to be met for a home to be considered a fost-adopt or pre-adoptive home.

termination of parental rights / TPR – the process in which all legal rights of the biological parents are severed

legally free / legal risk – a child whose biological parents have already have their parental rights terminated or surrendered; this child is legally free to adopt. In Tennessee the process of TPR can take a long time and it usually unknown at the time of placement whether or not a child will be heading towards a plan of reunification with biological parents or TPR and adoption.

department of childrens services / DCS – (Tennessee) the arm of the county government that serves children in state custody; has different names in different states such as “department of family and child services / DFCS” and “department of human services / DHS”

case worker/ CW / family service worker / FSW – (Tennessee) a social worker who is assigned to take care of a specific case (case = child or sibling set); in our state, we as foster parents have a case worker who handles our home study and training and a different case worker is assigned to each child or sibling group

child protective services / CPS – I honestly don’t know enough about CPS to answer this but I know in Tennessee CPS often does the investigation and removes the child from the bio parents’ home and assists DCS in placing the child in a foster home. CPS is not always involved.

sibling group – every attempt is made to keep biological siblings together when there are healthy relationships between the children

placement – when a child is matched with foster parents, the child is placed with them; the child may be referred to as the placement or it may refer to the time when the child was placed; the time of placement.

kinship placement – when a child is placed with an extended family member while in state custody; the family member must go through the same training and receives the same benefits as foster parents, however training can be done after the time of placement rather than before placement. In Tennessee the definition of kinship is ridiculously liberal – including neighbors, teachers, godparents…basically anyone who knows of the child; but doesn’t need to have actually met or have an established relationship with the child. (Don’t get me started…)

permanency plan – (Tennessee) the goal made by the Department of Childrens Services and the juvenile court system — either to reunite the child with his/her biological family or to move toward adoption. The goal is for the child NOT to remain in foster care more than 1-2 years.

foster child/ foster kid / foster son / foster daughter / foster baby – a child who is temporarily in state custody because of abuse, neglect or abandonment from their original family; see my note above about avoiding putting a label on the child whenever possible

From my personal experience, here are three examples of how to introduce a child to family and friends, especially those who don’t know you are a foster parent and are totally confused about who the kid is…without using the term foster child or foster kid.

Usually friends will say to us, “And who is this?”

1. “This is Megan.”

2. “This is Megan. She’s living with us for a while.”

3. “This is Megan. She’s been a part of our family since April. Did you know we’re foster parents?”

Fellow foster parents, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What did I forget? 

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Father’s Day

06/18/2012

A very brief recap of yesterday. I posted this on Instagram from church:

Father & Daughter. These two have such a special bond. Someday she’ll understand how hard he fought for her and how close she came to not having a daddy. Happy Father’s Day, Jason. We love you to the moon and back!

And then Precious look a nap on her daddy’s lap during the sermon and we got to sit through the whole service for the first time in as long as I can remember. It was awesome!

On our way home we stopped at Wendy’s to get frosties because I saw this post Friday at Adding Members. We love the work that the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption does. On Father’s Day weekend they donate $0.50 from each frosty sale to the foundation and Wendy’s Wonderful Kids. Frosties and french fries…no need to twist my arm!

We got our Wendy’s frosties! Support kids in foster care today in honor of Dave Thomas and his adoption advocacy!

After that, we went down to our property to dream about landscaping while Precious was napping. (Progress reports coming soon!) We ended up standing out in the tall weeds for a couple hours talking to our new neighbor…getting devoured by chiggers. UGH! I hate chiggers. We capped the evening off with a poolside dinner with family and friends and swimming. It was a lovely day.

4 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

New Home: Kids Room Plan

05/23/2012

At our last house, I designed a combined nursery and kids room as we were becoming foster parents. It had to be suited for 1 or 2 kids, either gender, newborn up to age 5…all within a 10×11 bedroom. In our new house, we’ll have a nursery for Precious and another bedroom that’s set up for our future foster kids. I’m not really sure what parameters we’ll set next time around so I’m planning this room for 1 or 2 kids, boys or girls, ages 2-12. The room is approximately 10×12. We already own the bed, dresser, curtain, book ledges, owl, sheets and chair. The rest would be new purchases.

Sources

1. Sherwin WIlliams Mélange Green – accent wall color

2. Sherwin Williams Greek Villa – other three walls

3. IKEA VANDRING RÄV duvet cover and pillow case $20

4. Woodland shower curtain from Target Home (as window curtain) – no longer available

5. Owl wall art – vintage

6. Dresser – vintage

7. IKEA VANDRING RÄV Soft toy, set of 2 $8

8. Jimco orange lamp with drum shade from Lowes $40

9. IKEA KURA reversible loft bed $199

10. IKEA RIBBA picture ledges (to use as book ledges), x2, $10 each

11. Target Home 325 Thread Count Wrinkle Free Sheet Set – Blue Diamond $28

12. Chair – vintage

13. IKEA RINGUM 2′ round rug in green, x3, $10

Floor Plan (to scale)

2 Comments | Art, Art: interior design, Art: new home build, Art: new home kids room, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

6 Month Familiversary

03/28/2012

Typically not long after a new baby is born at the hospital, a family photo is snapped. When a new child arrives through foster care, things aren’t so … picturesque. The night Precious came home was a bit chaotic. I called my sister-in-law Ginger before she arrived. “How much does a 2-month-old baby eat? And how often? What kind of bottle should we get? How much will she sleep? What’s a typical sleep schedule for a 2-month-old?” After the frenzy of questions and some encouragement from my sweet sister-friend, I bolted into a flurry of last minute nesting. I put a clean sheet on the crib, found a package of wipes and the box with infant clothes, set out blankets, found a nightlight. We had an hour to prepare. Once Precious was in our living room and the case worker was driving away, we fed her a bottle—she had come with one and a container of formula. My parents came by to meet her and see how they could help. We took off her cigarette-smokey sleep gown and put a clean shirt on her. It’s one Jason and I had purchased a full year before Precious was born, just because it was cute with two little birdies on it. For our future daughter. We washed her gown along with all the rest of her clothes. Then we went to Target. Our first shopping excursion as a brand new family of three. I carried sleeping Precious in a baby carrier and kissed the top of her stinky head as we tossed diapers, bottles, burp cloths and pacifiers into the cart. We got home at 10 pm and put our sleepy baby girl down in her crib. An hour later Jason left for a 4 day trip. I turned on the baby monitor and tried not to think so that I could get some sleep, assuming I’d be up a few times during the night. My first night at home with an infant. A stranger in the room next to ours. She slept like a champ, not waking up until 5 am and then going back to sleep until almost 9 after a bottle and a fresh diaper. The first night:

Precious arrived on a Wednesday night. The following day, my mom babysat so I could go to work.

The next day, my mother-in-law babysat. I was so thankful to have our moms close by and willing to jump in and help!

Precious has been a great sleeper since the beginning.

And so full of joy, too!

Here I am looking a little tired, but it’s the first photo I have of the two of us on our third day. She was so tiny!

When Jason got home, I took this first picture of them together.

It’s hard to believe that was 6 months ago. Last week we celebrated our half-year familiversary, six months since the day Precious became a part of our family. We’re looking forward to finalizing her adoption in the next few months, hopefully before her first birthday in July.

I just noticed we put the same shirt on her for our ice cream familiversary celebration that she wore on her first full day with us. (Second picture from the top.) She’s filling it out a bit more now!

Happy Familiversary, Choongie! We’re so thankful God brought you into our family. I can’t imagine my life without you. Thank you for bringing us so much joy and love everyday.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

My Lovely Girl

03/15/2012

Everyday I’m in awe—not just with how stinkin’ adorable my daughter is (of course, I’m biased)—but that I get to be her mom. I’m fully aware that things could have turned out very differently for us all. Thankful doesn’t seem like big enough of a word.

This journey hasn’t been easy. We had some really trying times back in October and November. But everything now is so…easy. And fun. Do you see that giant smile? Everyday we get to soak up that joy that oozes out of her and we could almost forget how difficult things were at the beginning with the DCS drama. And like her older half-sister, she could have been bounced around from foster home to foster home before being adopted. But we are thankful for the way this chapter is turning out. We are thankful for her. And thankful for this season of fun and easy.

I’m eager to get back into foster parenting. Having our home “closed” is hard. Even though it’s the easy road. It’s hard because we signed up for the challenge; and now we’re not doing it. I suppose in a way we’re still doing it. Precious came to us through foster care (though she ended up being removed from state custody and put into our custody) and we still haven’t finalized her adoption…but it just doesn’t feel like we’re doing enough about the foster care situation. There are so many kids still out there in our city that need good foster parents. And I want to help.

I probably need this forced break more than I want to admit. It’s time for the three of us—me, Jason and Precious—to bond as a family. We were still reeling from the situation with Ladybug in a lot of ways and this break from foster parenting gave us time to process all of those feelings. By the time our new home is finished and we’re ready to reopen (late summer or fall, hopefully), Precious will be over a year old. We will be a very different family than we were last July (when we were first certified) and it was just Jason and me. There are a lot of things to think about and different ways to prepare this time. We have our daughter to think about now—what is healthy and safe for her—when we consider welcoming new kids into our family.

Sorry for the rambling. I’m sleepy and I was just going to post pictures to publish in the morning. Then I decided to pour my thoughts out and try to make sense of them here. I don’t have a neat little conclusive bow for this. I’m very thankful for our daughter and I’m thinking a lot about our future as foster parents.

1 Comment | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

“If you live your life too safely…”

03/08/2012

I was trying yet again to bring it up subtly, to work foster care statistics naturally into conversation. I don’t remember which freshly learned fact I was offering. Maybe I said, “Did you know there are half a million kids in foster care in the US? And over 200,000 of them are waiting to be adopted.” Or I may have been explaining why the Adopt US Kids lists rarely showed infants and young kids on the waiting-to-be-adopted lists—because they were usually adopted by their foster parents; because the foster parents the kids already know and trust are typically offered the first opportunity when the kids become legally free to adopt. Perhaps I was mentioning how it doesn’t cost anything to become a foster parent, the government even pays a small daily board rate to help with expenses, and that adoption through foster care is practically free.

Jason looked at me from across the dinner table with tears welling up in his eyes and said, “I can tell this is something you really want to do. Why don’t you go ahead and take the first step—call whoever you need to call to find out what we need to do to get started.” After our previous foster parenting conversation (when we talked about how heartbreaking it would be and how it wasn’t really in our plan), he had agreed to think and pray more about it. Maybe this was something God was putting heavily on our hearts for a reason. I was amazed at how quickly Jason had warmed up to it. I had expected more resistance to this crazy idea to become foster parents and now I was wondering if I really was ready to practice what I had been preaching.

This is what I tweeted that night (3-10-11):
“On the precipice of something big and feeling equally excited and inadequate. Thank you Lord for lighting the path… one step at a time.”

Later that evening an intense headache came upon me—the kind that makes me want to just curl up in bed and do nothing. What if I had a child right now? I wondered. How could I care for someone else who is dependent on me when I don’t feel like I have the strength and energy to do anything for anyone else besides myself right now. What was I thinking? How in the world am I going to have the energy to not just care for a child, but care for a child who is coming from a difficult past with the potential for all kinds of behavioral and emotional problems? I have no experience as a mother. I’m not good enough… I’m not strong enough… I’m not selfless enough… Those thoughts rolled around in my head as I tossed and turned all night.

When my alarm clock went off, I slipped out of bed, made my way into the bathroom, slid my Jesus Calling book off the back of the toilet and opened it to that day’s passage, March 11. It said…

Walk by faith, not by sight.
As you take steps of faith, depending on Me,
I will show you how much I can do for you.
If you live your life too safely,
you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you.
When I gave you My spirit,
I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength.
Thats why it is wrong to measure your energy level
against the challenges ahead of you.
The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless.
By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.

My feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy melted away as I stepped off the ledge into the unknown and started the most challenging, rewarding, stretching, joy-filled, faith-building year of my life. Thank God for giving me the courage to take that first step in obedience and for working through me despite every shortcoming.

(The picture above is from the day we said goodbye to Ladybug, our first foster placement, on arguably the most difficult day of my life.)

6 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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