Phone Photo Friday

08/17/2012

On Adoption Day, the courthouse security took away my pocket tape measure. Apparently it’s a strangulation hazard. What?! More than a belt or shoe lace?? Of course, that was at the criminal courthouse that we accidentally went into first. Maybe at the circuit courthouse across the street they wouldn’t have thrown away my handy, purse-size furniture measuring tool. Oh well. I got a new one for less than $5.

Update: You can get one here. I’ve also seen them at JoAnn Fabrics for the same price.

Most of my Phone Photo Friday pictures are from my Instagram feed. Follow me @mahlbrandt if you’d life!

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Lessons from the Thrift: Settling for Relative Best

08/16/2012

Jason and I had a pretty decent thrifting weekend. With minimal effort—a couple of yard sales and a brief stop at the Goodwill—we walked away with a pair of mid-century lamps, a tiny hairpin leg footstool and a pair of sneakers for Ali.

If you do much thrift store / yard sale shopping, you’ve probably had moments like I had Sunday evening where I look at one of my purchases and say, “What was I thinking?!”

As we were walking through the used shoe section of the store, Jason spotted a pair of brown leather, slightly-dressy sneakers. They were clean and classy-looking but too small for him. They fit me! I bought them for $6. Later, when I tried them on at home I realized not only are they too tight, they’re most certainly mens’ shoes and I’m not sure I even really like them that much.

What happened? Compared to all the dirty, beat-up, well-loved shoes surrounding them, these sneakers practically jumped off the rack. They were the best shoes—relative to the crap surrounding them. I’m pretty sure there’s a bigger lesson here.

Jason, a passionate guitarist for almost 20 years, has often said, “If you’re the best one in the room—get out!” Best in the room doesn’t automatically equate to greatness. If you surround yourself with mediocrity, you’re in danger of lowering your standards and settling for less than the best. That’s exactly what I did.

All that to say, I need to constantly check my filter to make sure what I’m seeing as good is truly excellence and not just the relative best.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Lights, Hairpins and Little Kicks

08/15/2012

Jason and I did a little casual pickin’ this weekend. We stopped at a couple of yard sales on Saturday and at one of them scored a deal on a pair of vintage lamps and a small square footstool with hairpin legs. Jason may or may not have an addiction to buying mid-century lamps…

Sunday after church we swung by the Goodwill for a quick look. Nothing MCM but I did snag a pair of navy blue sneaks for the kid for 2 bills. She’s quite close to walking which means crawling all over the place and pulling up/cruising along anything. Which means very dirty feet if we’re out in the public. I know they’ll only fit for a couple of months so I’m happy to pay $1.99.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Thank You

08/14/2012

I have said thank you innumerable times the past week and yet it doesn’t feel like enough. So many wonderful family members, friends, church members and co-workers have come around us this week to celebrate Ali’s adoption day with hugs, balloons, gifts, cards and encouraging words. Tthey’ve been cheering us on for the past 11 months. I’d be remiss to not also thank YOU: my blog readers.

I know a lot of you consider yourselves “lurkers” because you read but don’t comment. And that’s perfectly OK. I’m posting my thoughts all over the web and you’re welcome to hang out here—I’m honored that you even read what I write! Many of you do comment and I’m always delighted to see feedback from the handful of “regulars.” I’m thankful for those who have read along with our foster/adoption story, cared about us, supported us, prayed for us and celebrated with us.

 

From the bottom of my heart, Thank You! I wish I could send you all a card!

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Adoption Day!

08/13/2012

Last week did not go at all like I had planned and I’m so glad! Every two months I have 2-3 super busy deadline weeks at work (then 5-6 normal weeks). Knowing last week would be one of those slammin’ busy weeks, I scheduled all my daily blog posts in advance. I like to plan ahead so things operate smoothly. Ahem…

Mid-Monday morning our attorney called with the news we’d been waiting to hear since January. We were finally on the docket for Precious’ adoption finalization—ON TUESDAY! Less than 24 hours notice meant a barrage of texts, emails and phone calls to notify my boss, my co-workers, our family and friends, Jason. Not in that order. I tried Jason first but he was in the air on his way home from Canada. I had planned on having a big adoption party/open house the day of the adoption but it was just too short of notice. I had planned to hire a photographer to go with us to the courthouse but there wasn’t enough time…or so I thought. My awesome photographer friend Beth Rose and her husband Josh were able to pull some strings so that she could be there with us to document the big day.

Monday I was an emotional wreck as I tried to pack in a 12-hour work day to make up for missing work Tuesday. When I finally shut off the computer at 11:00pm, I started to really mentally prepare for adoption day. I wrote Precious a letter. I wrote out the lyrics to a song that was so important to me early on in her time with us. I wrote her a card to go with her adoption day gift. I tucked a $20 bill in the card that had been a meaningful token of God’s provision for us through her adoption. We found it in the parking lot of the courthouse the day we got custody and found out we’d have to come up with money for a private adoption—I no longer need it. I cried as I reflected on this wonderful, miraculous journey. The tears were a release of the last little bits of fear that I had been suppressing, fears that something would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t get finalized. We had finally arrived!

The actual adoption was a blur. We arrived at the courthouse at 9am Monday morning—Jason, me, my parents, his mom, our friends Leila and Jeremy, their boy Jaron. Waiting for us there was our photographer Beth Rose with her daughter, our sister-in-law Ginger, our niece Eliza, and our attorney Jennifer. We were the second hearing on the docket.

I don’t know the exact time but somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 we went in and the whole thing was over in about 15 minutes. The judge was all smiles and eager to give all the babies Tootsie Roll pops as soon as it was over. He wanted everyone to come up for pictures afterward. It went by so quickly—like my wedding—I hardly remember anything that was said! I’m so thankful that Beth Rose took photos for us so we can look back on this day for years and show Precious as we tell her about it. Speaking of “Precious,” I think it’s time that I tell you her REAL NAME.

I’m so pleased to introduce:

Miss Alianna (“Ali”) Mae Ahlbrandt!

Here’s a portion of the letter I wrote to her on the night before her adoption:

My dear, sweet, beautiful daughter,

It’s almost midnight on August 6, 2012, the night before your adoption day. Tomorrow, our relationship is made permanent. When the gavel hits the block, that’s it: we’re forever mother and daughter. Finally! What a journey this has been! I would do it all over again. You are absolutely worth every tear, every fight, every phone call, every form we’ve filled out, every hour of classes we’ve attended, every home visit, every medical check, every hoop we’ve had to jump through—you are worth more than all of it. My precious, amazing child…Happy Adoption Day!

Love,
Mama

14 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

08/10/2012

Most of my Phone Photo Friday pictures are from my Instagram feed. Follow me @mahlbrandt if you’d life!

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Otis the Lamp

08/09/2012

I’m naming furnishings again. This is Otis because of all the O’s all over him. Jason, the lamp-lover, spotted this lovely specimen while we were out casually pickin’ the other day. It needs a little TLC. We like the green but it’s chipped in several places so a fresh coat of paint is in its future, as well as straightening the base and rewiring with a new polarized cord set.

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Psst…

08/08/2012

In case any of our friends/family are wondering why I haven’t written about our big, BIG news this week on my blog, it’s because I am totally slammed busy at work this week. All of my Monday-Friday posts this week were written in advance and scheduled to post. I’m still checking/reading comments everyday. Expect a special post on Monday all about our great news…about Precious’ (sudden) adoption!

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Foster Care Terminology

08/08/2012

This is a follow up to my post on Adoption Terminology. The language of foster care is perhaps even more inconsistent, complicated and confusing. The most important point, in my opinion, is to put the label on the adult—the foster parent, not the child. Labels can be embarrassing for a child. A kid who is already feeling out of sorts after being plopped into a whole new family, school, church, etc. really doesn’t need to feel more set apart with the big juicy label “foster child.” A child who is in foster care, living with foster parents, does not need to be called a foster child. Please! If you ignore everything else in this post, take this to heart. Again, I’m thankful we haven’t had a child old enough to really understand these terms when they’re misused. This is from my experience and opinion:

Foster Care Terms
foster care – a federally-backed state-run program for children who have been removed from their biological parents’ custody, typically due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment. The government places these children as “wards of the state” into foster homes, group homes or residential treatment centers temporarily until a permanent long-term plan is made for the child. A child in foster care is in state custody. In most cases (75%?), the goal is for the child to be returned to his/her biological parents’ custody once they have met certain requirements, such as acquiring adequate housing and job, parenting classes, drug/alcohol treatment.

reunification – the process of transitioning the child back into custody of his/her biological parents; this is the goal of foster care most of the time

foster parents – the people who volunteered to parent a child who is in foster care

resource parents – our state (Tennessee) refers to foster parents as resource parents

foster home – the home of the foster parents

orphanage – a group home where children live 24/7 with around-the-clock caretakers while they wait to be adopted. it is my understanding that these no longer exist in the United States as research has shown that children thrive more in a family and home setting with the individual attention and love from foster parents.

foster care adoption / fost-adopt / pre-adoptive home – when a child in state custody becomes legally free to adopt (biological parental rights have been terminated), the foster parents typically are the go-to option to adopt the child because ideally a healthy, loving bond has already been established. the adoption is done through the state, as opposed to a private adoption, and is very inexpensive compared to other types of adoption. In Tennessee every foster home is an approved adoptive home. In some states, additional requirements may need to be met for a home to be considered a fost-adopt or pre-adoptive home.

termination of parental rights / TPR – the process in which all legal rights of the biological parents are severed

legally free / legal risk – a child whose biological parents have already have their parental rights terminated or surrendered; this child is legally free to adopt. In Tennessee the process of TPR can take a long time and it usually unknown at the time of placement whether or not a child will be heading towards a plan of reunification with biological parents or TPR and adoption.

department of childrens services / DCS – (Tennessee) the arm of the county government that serves children in state custody; has different names in different states such as “department of family and child services / DFCS” and “department of human services / DHS”

case worker/ CW / family service worker / FSW – (Tennessee) a social worker who is assigned to take care of a specific case (case = child or sibling set); in our state, we as foster parents have a case worker who handles our home study and training and a different case worker is assigned to each child or sibling group

child protective services / CPS – I honestly don’t know enough about CPS to answer this but I know in Tennessee CPS often does the investigation and removes the child from the bio parents’ home and assists DCS in placing the child in a foster home. CPS is not always involved.

sibling group – every attempt is made to keep biological siblings together when there are healthy relationships between the children

placement – when a child is matched with foster parents, the child is placed with them; the child may be referred to as the placement or it may refer to the time when the child was placed; the time of placement.

kinship placement – when a child is placed with an extended family member while in state custody; the family member must go through the same training and receives the same benefits as foster parents, however training can be done after the time of placement rather than before placement. In Tennessee the definition of kinship is ridiculously liberal – including neighbors, teachers, godparents…basically anyone who knows of the child; but doesn’t need to have actually met or have an established relationship with the child. (Don’t get me started…)

permanency plan – (Tennessee) the goal made by the Department of Childrens Services and the juvenile court system — either to reunite the child with his/her biological family or to move toward adoption. The goal is for the child NOT to remain in foster care more than 1-2 years.

foster child/ foster kid / foster son / foster daughter / foster baby – a child who is temporarily in state custody because of abuse, neglect or abandonment from their original family; see my note above about avoiding putting a label on the child whenever possible

From my personal experience, here are three examples of how to introduce a child to family and friends, especially those who don’t know you are a foster parent and are totally confused about who the kid is…without using the term foster child or foster kid.

Usually friends will say to us, “And who is this?”

1. “This is Megan.”

2. “This is Megan. She’s living with us for a while.”

3. “This is Megan. She’s been a part of our family since April. Did you know we’re foster parents?”

Fellow foster parents, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What did I forget? 

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Adoption Terminology

08/07/2012

Adoption has it’s own language. There are labels and terms for key players that are important for explaining who is who in the process. Adoptive families can be offended or insulted when the wrong terms are used, so its valuable to understand these labels if you have someone in your life who is affected by adoption. There are from my experience and opinion so take it for what’s worth:

Adoption Terms
mom/mother – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption/placement onward

adoptive mom – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption onward (no need to use the distinction “adoptive” unless you’re talking about the biological mom also and there is a need to clarify who is who)

birth mom / bio mom / bmom / natural mom – the woman who carried the child in utero and gave birth to the child

real mom – both the adoptive mom and the birth mom are real moms

(apply the same rules for dad/father, adoptive dad, birth dad / bio dad / bdad / natural dad, etc.)

child – a person who is not an adult yet

child who is adopted – no such thing; it’s like saying a “child who is born”; the tenses don’t match

child who was adopted – child who was adopted (this label only needs mentioned when it’s truly relevant), it’s past tense

adopted child – there is no need to introduce a child as an “adopted child”; just a child. don’t single out the child who was adopted. it’s like saying “this is my C-section child” and “this is my vaginal birth child.”

forever family – the child’s family, from the point of adoption/placement onward

biological family – the people who share the child’s biology

sisters and brothers / siblings – children raised by the same forever parents

Jason and I really try not to be offended when someones calls one of us or one of Precious’ family members the wrong term. It’s rarely, if ever, done maliciously and usually a gentle eduction or reminder about the right terms is all that’s needed. When I hear someone say “Precious’ mom” I automatically assume the person is talking about me. I’m Precious’s mom today, yesterday, tomorrow, everyday since September 21, 2011 until eternity. I am Precious’ mom. When someone refers Precious’ birth mom as “Precious’ mom,” it catches me off guard more than it offends me. And, it makes me thankful that Precious doesn’t understand the implications of that yet, because it could be really confusing to her. She calls me mama. She knows me as her mom. We want her to know about her birth mom but I want her to be confident that I am and always will be her mom.

Jason and I have been careful to refer to Precious’ biological half-siblings as her biological half-siblings, because that’s what they are. I realize it is much easier to just say “sister” or “brother,” but we’re making that distinction from the beginning knowing that it’s likely we’ll have other children someday. Those other children will be Precious’ sisters and brothers, the kids she shares parents with, grows up with, spends her days and evenings with, fights for the bathroom with, celebrates birthdays and holidays with, goes on family vacations with, etc. When we’re with her biological half-siblings, I don’t mind calling them sisters and brothers but I want to help her understand, as she gets older, the difference between people who share your biology and people who share your parents.

We talk openly with Precious about her adoption. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I hope she’ll be proud of her story. She’s not old enough to dialogue about it yet but we practice telling her all about her adoption so it’s a normal part of our lives and something she’ll come to understand more and more as she gets older.

If you’d like to read more on the topic of adoption terms and how it can negatively affect a child when the wrong terms are used, check out this post by Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan: parents, please educate your kids about adoption so mine don’t have to

I’ll be back tomorrow with Foster Care Terminology.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

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