Worth Fighting For

11/10/2011

My friend Susan commented the other day that my posts lately have been so real and so raw…letting you all feel the emotions, anxiety, pain and love we’re going through. That was intentional, so I’m glad it’s coming through. (Hopefully my MCM design enthusiast readers don’t mind too much.) I discovered Chazley’s Blog the other day. She’s a foster mom and an excellent writer and I was really challenged by the transparency about her struggles. I want to be honest about how much this process we’re in sucks and at the same time why it is worth every minute of the hell we go through for these kids.

I have other things to write about, home related, exciting things, really big news, I promise. But right now all of that feels so insignificant compared to the battle we’re in. Yes, a battle. We are fighting for this little girl and what we strongly believe is her best interest. Some days are painfully discouraging, others are emotional draining as we’re reading through policies and making lots of phone calls, and other days are surprisingly encouraging.

Surprisingly encouraging. That sounds fun. Let’s hang out there for a minute. Precious had a permanency plan hearing the other day. It’s supposed to be just routine judge signing off on the department’s plan for permanency for the child (typical goals are reunification with birth family, adoption or sometimes exiting state custody with a relative.) It would have been simple in this case, too. However, at what would have been the end of the hearing, one of Precious’ advocates boldly stepped out and raised concerns about the proposed move. I really shouldn’t say too much since I don’t want to jeopardize anything but let me just say this, it seems there is a growing number of people who believe moving her to another home is not in her best interest. It’s far from over but we’re feeling really encouraged. We have not run out of options yet.

I woke up the next morning with praises in my head. It was a song we had sung on Sunday, a day when I was feeling completely deflated by all of this and my spirit was having a hard time convincing my body and mind to worship. But unlike on Sunday, that morning it filled me up with joy and hope. The chorus that was stuck in my head goes, “What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord! What peace, what peace for those whose comfort is Him alone!” and the verse says this: “You made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in it. Your promises remain. You give justice to the weak. You care for the widow and orphan. Forevermore You reign.” (The song starts at 20:20 in this video recording from 11/6/11 if you want to hear it. Bonus: Jason was playing guitar on the worship team last Sunday.) I stopped in Precious’ room to say goodbye to her before I left for work and was greeted with the most gigantic smile. She is a beautiful, sweet, joyful little girl and that smile is all the fuel I need to stand up and fight for her.

I pray that someday Jason and I can sit down with our daughter and tell her about what a ruckus we caused on her behalf, how hard we fought for what we believed was best for her, how many people were involved in the battle for her, and how it was all worth it, because she is worth it.

9 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

11/08/2011

Both of our little girls so far have adored Jason and vice versa. “Is she a daddy’s girl?” people always ask. I’ve dearly loved our girls too and they’ve loved me back, but there is just something about that father daughter relationship that’s hard to explain.

I used to come home from work and scoop Ladybug up into a big hug. More often then not, I could smell Jason’s cologne on her. I’d suck in the fragrance as I hugged our first daughter and my heart was full of joy that she had a daddy who loved her so much. I could always tell when she’d been spending time with her father because she had picked up his scent. (Picture above, from here.)

Precious is too little to give hugs but she has gigantic kissable cheeks. At her first doctor’s appointment, the pediatrician gave us a prescription for a rash on her face. We had never noticed the rash before. I actually didn’t even realize I was filling the prescription for a rash cream until the pharmacist explained what it was for. I looked back at Precious in the back seat. She didn’t have a rash on her cheeks. Later that day we realized when Jason’s scratchy beard brushes against her cheeks she gets a red dotted rash. It doesn’t last long but he must have been kissing on her cheeks right before the doctor walked into the exam room. Now, I always smile when I see a dotted patch on her cheek. She has a daddy who adores her.

We’re part of a system (as foster parents) where good dads are rare…in birth families and in foster homes. A friend just loaned Jason the book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker. He’s not much of a book reader but he dove into it immediately. I noticed as I was falling asleep that his eyes were full of tears as he read. I wasn’t sure if he was going to end up brokenhearted or fired up, ready to fight for his daughter.

As far as policies go, the department of chilren’s services doesn’t prefer a mother/father household over a single parent household. Jason feels such a heavy burden for Precious (and he also did for Ladybug) knowing that he will probably be the only daddy she ever has. There are a lot of wonderful single parents out there who are doing a great job raising their children and fostering children and I admire them for all they do on their own. But statistically, there is no question that it’s better for children to grow up with a mother AND a father. The statistics for girls who grow up without strong fathers in Meeker’s book are…repulsive.

It’s just one more thing that burdens our hearts to think of Precious being taken from our home.

Oh sweet girl, we are doing everything we can to fight for you.

5 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Ladybug, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Loving, Losing and (Not) Letting Go

11/07/2011

After we let Ladybug go, it took three weeks before we felt like our hearts were ready to love another child. Then we accepted the placement call for Precious. Loving again was easy. I was ready to love again. But I’m not ready to lose a child again. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. We knew when we became foster parents that loving the kids wouldn’t be the hard part, it would be letting them go that would be difficult. And it has been. It hurts like hell. What I was not at all prepared for was the tangled mess of policies and players (case workers, CASA workers, guardians ad litem, placement specialists, adoption specialists, judges, birth family, kin, etc.)

We’re in a very difficult situation right now. How can I explain this without giving away too much information… Let’s say Precious has several older siblings. Two of them, BoBo and LaLa (not their real names, of course) were adopted by a foster mother named Sue (not real name). Sue was called to be a kinship placement for Precious when she came into state custody but she declined. Sue is not related to Precious but would be considered kinship because the kids are biologically related. No other family or kinship (friends, godparents, church members, etc.) were identified so Precious ended up with us: random foster parents. Now, 6+ weeks later, the department has identified a woman named Patty (not real name) who wants her and hopes to adopt her since that’s where Precious’ case is leading. Patty is good friends with Sue so she spends a lot of time around BoBo and LaLa and is considered their godmother. Patty has never met Precious but has crossed paths with her birth mother a few times when Sue initiated some visits between her and BoBo and LaLa on holidays and birthdays. The department is now considering Patty to be kinship under their “broad definition of kin.” Although really the policy says to be considered kinship, the adult should have an existing relationship with the child or at the very least an actual relationship with the birth parent. The department says they made a mistake by overlooking Patty initially and now they’re trying to fix their mistake. Precious and her siblings have never met her so there is no existing bond or relationship. We have expressed that we would also be willing to allow Precious to stay in touch with BoBo and LaLa if we can adopt her.

So let me make this really simple: they want to move Precious out of the home she’s in now with two foster parents who have been loving and adoring her for half of her life and are completely attached to her (and she seems pretty fond of; see picture above) into the home of a woman she has no relationship with, who is not family, where she will not be living with her siblings, because this foster mother is friends with the adoptive mother of her siblings. Does that seem like it’s in the best interest of the child? We think not. Some of the players think not. The decision making ones think so. So we’re fighting it.

As foster parents we are asked to love the children as if they are our own, to consider them fully a part of our family as long as they’re with us and to be an advocate for them. Especially in the case of a child who is too young to communicate, we have to stand up for what we believe is best for her. It’s not that we want to keep her just out of selfish desires and avoiding a painful loss, we believe it’s our great love for her that propels us to fight for what is best for her. What is best for her is to be in a home with people who love her and already have a relationship and attachment to her, and vice-versa. Staying in touch with biological siblings is important and we’re not disregarding that, but because there is no currently existing sibling relationship, it doesn’t seem like that should trump the parental relationship that currently exists between her and us.

I’m sharing this for several reasons… to be honest about the struggle we’re in right now and how much it’s tearing at our hearts, to be open about the kind of policy mess that can surround each child welfare case, to shed light on what we believe to be an unjust situation and more than anything to ask for your prayers as all this is being figured out. The department has essentially made their decision but there are a few things we can do to challenge their position.

It ain’t over yet…

12 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

11/04/2011

If you pray really hard, maybe I can actually show you this sweet face soon. Let me tell you, she was not happy about this snowsuit. I think she looks like a starfish! I kept thinking “I can’t put my arms down!” from A Christmas Story.

On a serious note, the decision making meeting is today where a team will decide whether Precious can stay with us or if she should move with another woman for her adoptive placement. It sounds like it could go either way at this point. Please pray! We’re really, really hoping she can stay with us.

2 Comments | Art, Art: Phone Photo Friday, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

3 months and 1 month

10/20/2011

It’s been a month since Precious*  was placed with us and she’s now 3 months old. (*not her real name, thank God.) It’s amazing to see how much she has changed in 1 month! Here are some things she’s doing now that she wasn’t doing a month ago:

• squealing

• conversing with “goos” (she’ll go back and forth with us for a while)

• holding her head up steadily

• rotating 90 degrees in her crib overnight

• sucking her thumb, usually her right thumb

• smiling at us from several feet away

• tracking us as we walk around the room

• saying “gee!” when she’s hungry

• sleeping all the way through the night (she hasn’t woken up for an early morning—5 or 6am—feeding in over a week)

• rolling over on to her side

• staying awake for a couple hours at a time

Precious is a wonderful baby. We couldn’t be more thrilled with her. Jason and I even think her sneezes (she sounds like she’s saying “achoogie”) and her rare cries (we call her “goat baby” because she as a vibrato) are the cutest things in the world. She is so easy-going. We give her a last bottle around 10pm (occasionally waking her up to do so) and she sleeps until 8:30 or 9am. When she wakes up she sucks on her hands and whines and complains a little bit but doesn’t cry. Once we finally get in to get her up, she’s all smiles…in no rush to eat. It seems like she just wakes up and she gets bored. Everywhere we take Precious people comment on how beautiful, happy or easy-going she is. She’s often sleeping through errands in her car seat or in a Moby wrap. She’s been to my office to hang out with me three times and all three times she’s had her big daily blow-out and stunk up the place. But she’s so adorable, no one can hold it against her. She’s being treated for thrush (which she had when she came to us) so we’re currently not using any pacifiers, sterilizing bottles everyday, and she’s on 2 medications. It’s a bit of an inconvenience but it’s clearing up well. Precious is such a joy to us. It’s truly a gift to get to be her mommy.

6 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Weekend in the Smokies

10/19/2011

Sorry for disappearing for a few days. Plates are spinning around here. Still. (And Merry-Go-Rounds.) Instead of formulating a thoughtful blog post, here is a recap of our weekend. Thursday afternoon Jason and Precious picked me up from work, we dropped off Lucy at his parent’s house, and we headed over to Pigeon Forge, TN where we stayed until Sunday night. Jason was playing a marathon weekend with Guy Penrod at Dollywood—3 concerts a day for 3 days in a row—and all the wives and children came along. There were 6 families in our party; 12 adults and 18 kids…most of which are Guy’s. They are such a fun and sweet bunch of people. Precious was definitely the center of attention through most of the weekend with everyone oohing and ahhing about how beautiful and easy-going she is. Seriously, she was a travel champ! One of Guy’s sons said, “I hope I have a baby just like her when I’m older” and insisted that she was THE most beautiful baby in the world. Another one of his boys said, “I can’t wait until I have my own baby someday,” while he was feeding her a bottle for me. She got so much love this weekend.

We also ate lot of good food. Uncle Guy got to snuggle Precious to sleep before the food came out at Cracker Barrel one night.

The shows at Dollywood were fun. Precious and I watched about half of them. Sometimes she watched, sometimes she slept on my lap, and sometimes she napped down in the dressing room.

We watched one of the shows from backstage while she was sleeping in a Moby wrap.

Speaking of Moby wrap, Jason was talked into trying it on while we were walking around going on rides. We got a pretty cute family picture of the three of us… I wish I could show you the whole picture. Maybe someday.

Speaking of someday… please continue praying about Precious’ situation. We are still uncertain about whether or not we will be given the first choice of adoption for her. There is someone else in the picture who is not legally kin but has a relationship with two of Precious’ half siblings. We’re basically competing with her—which is awkward—and we won’t know more until we have another team meeting and then ultimately a judge makes a decision…in a couple months? Then the earliest the adoption would be finalized would be in March or April. Either way she will be going to a good place but we’re crazy about her and would hate to let her go. Not without a fight, you can be sure.

4 Comments | Art, Art: music, Family, Family: Extended Family and Friends, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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