The Nest is 75% Ready

02/07/2013

75% is enough for now. Enough to call our case worker to have her come out and do a walk-through. Enough to make me feel mostly prepared.

IMG_8007

Bedroom for Future Foster Kids Checklist:

• assemble KURA bed
• hang curtains
• hang wall art
• add a rug
• make space in closet for clothes
• dresser
• bookshelf ?
• nightstand
• lamp
• hang book ledges
• mount guitar hook for my old acoustic
• nightlight
• make bed look comfy and inviting

IMG_8008 IMG_8009 IMG_8010 IMG_8012 IMG_8013

The Rest of the House Checklist:

• mount TV to the wall in the den
• cover all electrical outlets with annoying plastic caps
• lock up all of our medications and vitamins
• lock up all of our cleaning supplies
• lock up all knives
• lock up all matches and lighters
• secure rugs to the floor (so they’re not tripping hazards)
• make sure we always have bananas
• have and know how to install car seats and boosters for newborn – 8 year olds

Our den/playroom:

IMG_8014 IMG_8017 IMG_8019


Flying Food and the Power of Words

02/06/2013

IMG_0988

Meal times are getting so much better now! When we first moved into our new house, Ali was used to having the attention of 4 adoring adults every meal. It was a big adjustment with just Mommy and Daddy who would occasionally be trying to talk to each other. Her way to get attention was to throw food. And it worked marvelously. She would even seek a scowl face that one of us must have been giving her, because she would throw food on the floor, yell “no” and then scowl at us. I scoured my parenting books for advice and landed on a suggestion from The Connected Child that positive reinforcement of good behavior is really the most effective discipline.

IMG_0996

IMG_0980

IMG_0986

I was skeptical. But willing to try.

It seems obnoxious to say, “Good job, Ali! You’re doing a great job feeding yourself! Wow, look at you! Can you put that banana in your mouth? [As she dangles it over the floor…] Great job putting the banana in your mouth! What a good eater!”

ButOhMyGosh! It worked. If I would forget to do it—to give her positive affirmation for her good eating behavior—food would fly.

IMG_7784

Above: Messing but she polished off a whole plate of food at our favorite Mexican restaurant!

My eyes were opened to how much difference it makes to Ali’s ability level when she gets verbal encouragement and affirmation. It’s not just eating. When she’s trying to climb up her slide and grunts because she’s stuck, if we encourage her, “You can do it, Ali! You’re doing a great job. What a good climber!” There she goes. Right up to the top of the slide…and then head first down to the floor (that’s her style).

I’ve also been noticing a physical change in her posture depending on what I say. “Listen and obey” is a script explained in The Connected Child as well. Instead of saying “No” I give Ali verbal instructions and wait for her to comply, pending immediate danger. If she doesn’t do it, my tone gets more serious and I say, “Ali, listen and obey. Shut that cupboard.” When the words listen and obey come rumbling through the airwaves, I see her straighten up her shoulders. She knows I mean business.

Likewise, when I praise her actions I see her body respond. The other day she was putting back the glasses case that she had taken from my nightstand (as instructed) and as soon as she put it down, before she had a chance to pick it back up again (as she often does…) I said, “Thank you, Ali! Great job listening and following instructions!” and I saw her head lift up with pride like an invisible string just pulled her up a little bit. She smiled with confidence.

How humbling it’s been to realize what an affect my words have on my sweet little girl. I have the power to crush her or to lift her up, just with what’s coming out of my mouth. I mess up plenty, and she does too I suppose. Thankfully, she’s always been quick to forgive me and I give her grace, too. We’re learning and stretching a lot these days.

IMG_7829


Nesting

01/28/2013

Apparently I’m nesting. After getting the news that we had a February 28 deadline to reopen our home with DCS, I spent most of my free time during the weekend while Jason was out of town hanging pictures, unpacking those last few stubborn old boxes, sorting, organizing, hanging curtains…

IMG_7857 IMG_7860 IMG_7867 IMG_7869 IMG_7874 IMG_7875

We also got the door lock for the hall closet and our new home phone line set up.

Screen shot 2013-01-28 at 10.10.06 AM

I think maybe Jason is nesting too, because he’s patching up spots on the wall where we had some nicks and scratches as I’m writing this. We still need to assemble the monster KURA bed, install safety locks, cover the outlets, secure the TV to the wall in the den, rugs need to be “secured” with antislip pads…we also need to get a booster car seat, another twin mattress, night lights…Sheew! Is my list getting longer instead of shorter, or it just me?


Taking the First Step … Again [Foster Parenting]

01/21/2013

My phone rang and when I saw DCS on the caller ID I had an adrenaline surge. Do they know? Can they call already? Is there a  kid? All of that went through my mind before I pressed answer and said hello. It was our case worker, getting back to me. I had sent her an email telling her we’d be ready to reopen our home soon and I was wondering what all we needed to do.

We’re not ready but I contacted her because I needed a nudge. Not that I’m procrastinating, but there are just so many little things we still want to do to get settled into our new house – hang more shelves in the garage, figure out storage for my work room, landscaping, bigger art, hang the art we have … we’re pacing ourselves with time and money. Before we reopen our home we need to assemble the bedroom for “the next kids,” get a home phone, lock up our medicines, cleaners, knives, a whole list of little things. When I talked to our case worker, I found out their policy changed (shocker…). Originally she told me we could be in “closed” status for 2 years without having to redo our PATH training and home study but they’ve changed it to 1 year. I’m glad I called when I did because we’re 5 weeks from the 1 year cut off. Within that time frame we just need to amend our home study, not redo everything. (Thank God!!!)

That means we might start getting calls by March 1. So, I’m kicking into nesting mode again. But it’s so different this time around. I’m not sure if I’d call it excitement… We’re going to Disney World! That would be excitement. We’re climbing Mt. Everest! That would be adrenaline. I’m getting pumped up but I know it’s not going to be fun and easy; it’s going to be difficult and likely painful. There are a lot of logistics we don’t know and it’s impossible to plan for at this point… like how are we going to manage childcare for another kid (or 2?) during work hours. I don’t know. How is Ali going to respond. I have no idea. What are we getting ourselves into. Don’t ask me.

One thing I do know: we’re supposed to do this. God has called us to be foster parents and we will say yes. Again.

From experience, I can say with confidence that He will not lead us into something and then abandon us. He will equip us as we go and bring light to each step, one at a time. Here we go again!

Here’s my pictorial to do list.

This bed needs to be assembled, curtain hung, art hung, etc.:

IMG_7853

I wish we could use this phone:

IMG_7849

This drawer needs a child lock:

IMG_7850
This closet (where we keep our cleaners and medicines) needs a locking door handle:

IMG_7851 IMG_7852

We loathe these things… and need to cover about 5,000 more outlets:

IMG_7856

The dept. is not going to like this:

IMG_7854

Or this:

IMG_7855


Tinkle Tinkle…

01/15/2013

Guess who peed in the potty yesterday?!

potty

Ali has been really curious about the whole bathroom process so we’ve been explaining to her how it works for the past couple of months. She’s not quite 18 months old and we weren’t planning on even introducing the potty seat until then. Since Ali got an Amazon gift card for Christmas, I went ahead and ordered the Prince Lionheart WeePOD seat attachment I had researched. One day after she was watching me go, I said “when you get bigger you can go pee in the potty, too.” She immediately tried to climb onto the toilet and I realized she may be ready to try this sooner than we thought. So here we are, after about 10x of practice/pretending on the seat, yesterday she told Jason “poop” and wanted to get on the potty. He put her up there and what do you know? She passed some gas and then peed! I don’t think she’s physically ready to be fully potty trained just yet (to be able to know and communicate that she has to go, and to be able to hold it until she gets to the potty…) however, we’re excited that she’s so interested and determined that she’s going to go how we go.


This Age: 17 Months

01/09/2013

The other day I was thinking about some things that are challenging about Ali’s age (17 months) and I was grateful that she will eventually mature and grow out of these.

Things I Will NOT Miss About this Age:

meal time messes and food throwing on the floor 

changing nasty, stinky diapers

testing every boundary we set

tangled car seat/crib hair

But it didn’t take long for me to start thinking about all of the sweet and fun things about this age, too. Starting with when I was folding laundry the other day.

IMG_7771

Things I Will Miss About this Age:

tiny socks

neon, sparkly, colorful clothes

kisses with a “mwaw”

hugs with an “awe”

kisses without puckered lips

wonder and excitement about the simplest things

chubby little hands and feet

celebration when she says a word for the first time 

how she tries to imitate everything we do

pointing to what she wants and saying “yes” 

calling her sippy cup “this” 

the way she say “cacka” for cracker, “mo” for more, and “bow” for ball

how thrilled she is with her reflection (see below)

These were taken sequentially on self-portrait mode on my phone…

IMG_7761 IMG_7763 IMG_7764 IMG_7767

The second list could easily go on and on. It’s nice to have a little perspective shift sometimes. 🙂 Even with the challenges, each age is more fun than the last.


It’s Easier to Say No

01/02/2013

68644_10151373515273200_736275823_n

Things are good here in our little family. They’re not perfect, not necessarily easy—I mean, we do have a toddler who is testing the limits of her independence and the sincerity of our words everyday—but things are good. Really good. We love our daughter to the moon and back. We have a good rhythm and rhyme, the three of us. Any gut-level desires to parent a child have been satisfied by our dear girl. We could be done adding to our family. It would be easy.

As I consider taking the plunge into foster parenting again, it feels completely differently this time. Last time it was just Jason and me. Why not? we reasoned. We didn’t have a good reason to say no.

This time around we have our precious little one to consider. Her safety. Her feelings. Her parental attention. It would be so easy to say no this time. No, we can’t bring strangers, little aliens, into our home again. This time we could use our daughter as an excuse. We would be justified. We have our daughter to look out for and those other kids are not our problem.

As I rocked my daughter last night, I looked down at her sweet little face and deep, brown eyes and told her for the millionth time how much I love her, what a wonderful gift she is, how special she is and how thankful I am to be her Mommy. And then I remembered… It would have been easy to say no to her call, too. It would have been easier to go on as just the two of us, me and Jason, and never have to step out into the dark unknown of foster parenting.

We could have said no and we would have missed out one of the greatest blessings in our lives.

Our home is not physically ready for us to reopen as foster parents. The “next kids” room is not assembled yet and we still need some safety locks installed in the kitchen and medical/cleaning products closet. But mentally I’m getting ready to say YES.


Letting Go

12/18/2012

“Hug your baby tight when you get home,” a well-meaning friend suggested on Friday afternoon, hours after the unspeakable tragedy at Sandy Hook Hill Elementary School.

At some point every parent will come to a point when she realizes she doesn’t own her child, the child is not an extension of her but an independent creature and as a parent it’s impossible to protect our babies from every danger in the world. There is a risk of putting our children on such a high pedestal that we make them idols, treasured above the Life-Giver Himself. Abraham was guilty of such and God pushed him to the extreme to force first-born Isaac out of the god status Abraham had put him in. Let him go and entrust him to Me, or I will take him away.

As painful as it was, I’m thankful for the experience we had of almost losing Ali over a year ago in a bizarre placement battle through DCS. When we thought we had lost her, I buckled under the incredible pain. I broke for her, thinking she was about to lose her family a second time and her second chance of growing up with a father. I had no choice but to let go of my maternal grip of her… she was not mine. She did not belong to any person. She belongs to Creator Father God.

By a miracle, she was placed back into our arms and we walked out of courtroom with custody, dumbfounded. We let go of her because we had to, and God saw fit to give her back to us. I pray that I never forget that she is not MINE. I don’t own her. I’m entrusted with the responsibility and incredible blessing of being her mother. My love for her is deep and wide and it goes on forever. Everyday is a gift and tomorrow should never be taken for granted.

I will hug her a little tighter. Snuggle a little longer. And then I’ll let her go, take a deep breath, and trust the One who made her.

My heart is broken for the families in Newtown, CT who lost their loved ones. I’m praying specifically for the families of two of the children that God brought to my attention. Reading through the names of the victims, the name Olivia caught my eye, and then Benjamin. One of my best friends has two precious children named Olivia and Ben (who are thankfully safe and well) and when I thought about them, my heart crumbled. So, everyday I’m lifting up the Engel and Wheeler families as they’re walking through this dark and horrible tragedy. May the Prince of Peace, the Comforter, wrap them up in His arms this week and in the days to come.


The First Play-Doh

12/17/2012

Among the many toys unpacked from storage was a box of play-doh. When Ali pulled it off the shelf in the playroom, I decided it was time to introduce her to the squishy, doughy goodness. She’s not putting things in her mouth quite so much anymore so I figured she’d get to enjoy it for at least a minute or two before I had to take it away.

IMG_0353

IMG_0354

IMG_0355

IMG_0357

I was right.

IMG_0359

“Ali, if you taste it again, Mommy is going to have to take it away.”

IMG_0360

Oh, this age of budding independence is interesting… Every time I give her an ultimatum, she tests it. If nothing else, she is learning that Mommy means what she says.


A Year of Foster Parenting… Sort of

08/02/2012

Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first placement, dubbed Ladybug here. I thought about her a lot the past week. I pray that she’s doing well. No news is good news, I suppose. If you’ve been reading here long, you probably know that while we still consider ourselves foster parents, our home is in closed status while we’re temporarily living with my parents and building a new home. Technically we haven’t had a child in foster care with us since November when Precious was moved into our legal guardianship. Specifics aside, we’ve been parents for a year now. July 28, 2011 is one of those dates that will be permanently etched in my memory. Ladybug holds a very special place in my heart. She was the first child ever to call me mama.

We started our our day with a get together of old and new friends who are all touched by adoption or foster care one way or another. I call it a community group: people on similar life journeys hanging out with no agenda but to support and encourage each other. If nothing else, it’s a place where people don’t ask dumb questions or use wrong terminology about adoption. There was one brand new foster mama there with her 10 year old first placement. There was a couple and their daughter adopted from Ethiopia 2.5 years ago. There was a woman with her one year old who was an unexpected domestic infant adoption. And there were several friends who are waiting for domestic infant adoption matches. An eclectic mix with a common thread.

From there, we spent the afternoon with some of Precious’ biological family. I have so much going through my mind since then but little of it seems appropriate to share here. Maybe writing will help me sort out my thoughts … Precious has 4 older biological half-siblings, living in 3 different homes. It was great to get them all under one roof, to see them all loving each other so well and getting along great. They’re all just as beautiful as Precious, if you can believe that. I got a few photos of the five together but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to share here.

With foster care, there is not really such thing as “open adoption.” All adoptions are closed for reasons you can imagine. But at the same time, unless a foster parent is really determined to avoid the biological family all together—or if the bio family is gone—they’re going to meet or at least know each others’ names. This was scary to me at first. Partly for Precious’ safety and emotional health, but also for selfish reason: I don’t want to make things more complicated. (Ha!) I’m finally starting to understand the sentiment I’ve often heard in regards to open adoption: a child can never have too many people who love and care about her. Seeing how excited Precious’ bio family was to see her and how they couldn’t wait to shower her with hugs and kisses confirms the value of maintaining those connections when it’s possible and beneficial.

I’ve written before about how valuable it turned out to be to have some visits with Precious’ birth mom, because not only did she show us how much she loves her, she told us and also generously affirmed us as her parents. It was so beneficial, even though it was uncomfortable. As Precious gets older, we’ll be able to give her a say in how much contact she wants to maintain with her biological family, as well as gauging how it affects her to see them. It’s so hard to know what to do but we want to keep the doors open. Anyone out there have experience with open adoptions have some insight to share?

(Story behind the pink daises here.)