And then life got messy. Again.

05/06/2013

Friday night I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I woke up and saw that Jason was asleep too. It felt like 2am but it was only a little after 11. We peeled ourselves off the couch, set the alarm, turned out the lights and crawled into bed. Early for us on a Friday night but I had planned to be up at the crack of dawn Saturday for Ali’s swimming lesson. A few minutes later Jason’s phone rang and he ignored it, too sleepy to take a call from an unfamiliar number, though we both knew what the call probably was… a few minutes later I couldn’t resist and went out to the kitchen to check my cell phone. 1 missed call. Our home phone. 1 missed call and a voice mail. While I was checking the voice mail, my cell phone rang again. As we had guessed, it was a placement worker calling about a 2.5 year old boy that needed somewhere to go. We had a full weekend planned with swimming lessons, family visiting, a surprise birthday party for my mom, a good friends son’s dedication celebration. Not to mention catching up on sleep. In the short moments I had to say yes or no, I realized that inconvenience was not an appropriate reason to say no. So I said yes. Two hours later, around 1am a terrified half dressed little boy was delivered to our house by two social workers. For the sake of this blog, I’m going to nickname him Buzz. (Because he loves Woody from Toy Story but I’m not going to nickname him Woody…)

It’s been a long weekend. Exhausting. Emotional. Full of family and friends. Busy. Fun. Tiring. Eye-opening. It’s been so many things. We have a very sad little boy living with us. We had a visit with his mom yesterday and she’s even sadder than he is. I can’t imagine the pain that they’re both going through right now; it’s been heartbreaking to witness. I’m thankful that we had the opportunity to meet her and have a visit away from the department and to hear her side of things, which frankly makes much more sense than the fragmented and inconsistent information we’ve gotten from them so far. We have a team meeting soon and we’ll hopefully find out more about the permanency plan for Buzz. Based on what we know so far, we’re whole-heartedly rooting for reunification and believe that’s best for Buzz; there is no reason to assume he’ll be with us long term or forever.

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We’re all adjusting. Ali and Buzz are getting along quite well, with just a few squabbles over sharing. Ali is having to share not just her toys, but her parental attention. It’s a big change but she’s doing pretty well. Buzz is responding pretty well to discipline. Jason has been doing an incredible job with him. When he’s getting out of control, Jason will take him aside and have a talk with him and he comes back behaving appropriately. I’m so proud of how my husband is doing as a fill-in father and Buzz is really taking to him. He’s attaching quickly to all three of us which is so healthy. I like the shy little boy when he’s timid about a new situation and wants to hold one of our hands or be carried, but I also like the confident little boy who runs around and plays with other kids with a huge grin on his face.

 

I assumed the first day he was being on his best behavior and that we’d start to see more acting out as he got more comfortable but so far it seems like the opposite is true. I think he was in flight/fight/freeze mode (mostly freeze) the first day which was clouding his communication among other things. Sunday seemed much smoother. For a little guy who is dealing with a tremendous amount of new people, places, things, rules, etc. and at the same time dealing with the trauma of being separated from his family—he’s really doing remarkably well.

This is hard, there is no doubt about it. But God is so close! We’ve had wonderful opportunities to pray over Buzz and even to hug/cry with/pray over his mama. It’s truly awesome to see someone’s tense, fearful posture relax and sigh relief as we pray for God to bring peace and comfort to their hearts. God hears and cares so much about his precious babies. Loving Buzz is the easy part in all of this. Adjustment is tiring. The emotions can be truly exhausting. It’s a blessing to see God move powerfully. He is near to the brokenhearted!

So our life got messy again. I guess that’s what we signed up for. Prayers are definitely appreciated. For Buzz. For his mom. For us. For everything!

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Note: I never share real names or pictures of faces of any kids who are in state custody. It’s for their privacy and safety.

15 Comments | Family, Family: Buzz, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Bubbles

04/22/2013

homemade bubble solution - myMCMlife.com

Have you ever made your own bubble solution? It’s cheap, very easy and makes awesome bubbles! I’ve seen a lot of pins on Pinterest with homemade bubble recipes but this is the one I tried. I cut the recipe in half and used Dawn dish soap and light corn syrup. I found it to be too thick so I added more water.

With one breath and a simple little 1″ bubble wand, I can make 20-40 bubbles! Ali is thrilled. We’ll never be wasting our money on the “miracle” watery bubble solution at the store again. I’m hoping to try this out with a bigger bubble wand soon. Even with my little wand, I can get a bubble about 4″ in diameter.

Usually we do bubbles outside but sometimes if Ali is well behaved in the tub (in other words, not soaking me with splashing…) I’ll reward her with bubbles in the tub.

homemade bubble solution - myMCMlife.com

Dog photo bomb! (By the way, Ali is not crying in the background, she’s gasping/laughing because of the bubbles popping around her face. No children were harmed in the making of these photos. 😉 However… Warning: it’s soapy and it will sting the eyes. She tends to get it on her hands from exuberant bubble decimation and then sometimes rubs her eyes.)

homemade bubble solution - myMCMlife.com

4 Comments | Art, Art: crafts, Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Junior Landscaping Apprentice

04/09/2013

When Jason and I are doing yard work, Ali is either sleeping or helping. And by helping, I mean “helping.” Bless her heart, she wants so badly to be useful.

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I was planning on getting Ali a sandbox this summer and then I realized, hello! We have a whole courtyard full of crushed rocks. Welcome to the giant sandbox, darling.

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Look how she follows Jason around with her tiny shovel, trying to do exactly what he’s doing.

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Such a beautiful picture of parenting and discipline, isn’t it? She learns how to act by watching and imitating us. We lead by example and it’s her instinct to follow.

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It’s not forced. She could have been just playing in the rocks and that would have been fine. But she wanted to help Daddy. She wanted to do what Daddy was doing. She wants to be like Daddy.

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1 Comment | Art, Art: gardening, Faith, Family, Family: Jason, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Random Ali-ness

04/03/2013

At 20.5 months, Ali is making us laugh with her silly antics everyday. She knows what she wants and how to express it. One morning while I was on a long and important phone call, I managed to get her diaper changed, get her dressed and prepare her a breakfast of toast, fruit and yogurt. When I put her in the high chair and offered her each of those 3 things, she said no to each. When I finally got off the call I said, “You don’t want any of these things? What do you want?” And she answered very clearly, “Eggs.” Duh, Mama. She loves eggs. She also loves to try on Jason’s and my glasses. She called them “See!” because I always tell her I need them to see.

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Everyday Ali asks to go “outside!” She loves playing outdoors, regardless of the weather. When it’s nice I try to get her out to the playground so she can burn off some energy. I’m really looking forward to warmer weather so we can spend more time outside everyday. Spring has been noncommittal this year; we’ve had gorgeous days and then chilly, dreary days.

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We were scheduled to start swimming lessons last month but because of some issues with the pool at the community center, they had to cancel our class. I’m bummed. I plan to spend a lot of time with Ali at my parents’ pool this summer working on the basics. She’s fearless and adventurous so we are taking water safety and survival skills very seriously.

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Ali has always been very social but lately phrases have been coming out more clearly. The other morning she enthusiastically said “Hi, Daddy!” to Jason, followed by “You’re cute!” Some other phrases she’s said: I’m ready, I want Daddy/Mama, Where’s Ali/Daddy/Mama/Lucy/Gramma?, There she is, Where are you?, I love you, Let’s see… (when we open the fridge).

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Ali still says “boops” instead of books, even though she can say “duck.” She also has been informing us when she needs a tissue but saying she has “boobers” which is super cute. She said “uh ho” instead of uh oh and “no no!” instead of “oh no!” I know I’ll miss those words when they’re gone. She still can’t really say Grandma and Grandpa; they sound like “Ma’ama” and “Mampa” but it works and I know they love to hear it. Some other random words she says: hi, yes, yeah, hello, no, bye-bye, goodnight, amen, ball, up, help, see, elbow, knee, eye, hair, owl, Ali, baby, tea, toffee (coffee), picko (pickle), cheese, toast, yogurt, saysu (raisin), Sucy/Ucy (Lucy), sauce, shoes, shocks (socks), stinky, poopoo, potty, bass/baff (bath), aldi (all done), tan to (thank you), peesh (please), dis (this), dintz/ditz (drink… took us a while to recognize this one!), taco, owives (olives), cookie, cacka (cracker), cheese, milk, baba (bottle), cup, diapu (diaper), outside, side (slide), swing, chalk, dubbus (bubbles), duck, doddy (doggy…it sounds a lot like “daddy” which has led to a few embarrassing situations for whatever man is standing near a dog), mama/mommy, daddy, I-is (Iris), Eyza (Eliza), Jeejee (Jaron), Nana (banana), Ninny (Nana), Papa, E-ey (Eli), Awi/Ali, Jesus, Doda (Dora), Gabba (Yo Gabba Gabba), Elmo, fowwa (flower), stickoos (stickers), cuwu (color), nap, musis/deedeedeebababa (music/turn on the music please)… and I’m sure there are more I’m not remembering.  Ali will repeat the whole alphabet letter by letter but hasn’t mastered g, r, n, l yet. She’s very good at communicating in general

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Ali tries to imitate everything we do which is awesome for teaching her things like putting away toys, wiping up spills, putting on pants/socks/shoes and trying new foods. It’s also super cute when she tries to help us with yard work, walking Lucy and in this case playing the guitar like Daddy.

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Along with all of the fun and cuteness, the challenges also increase, but I think that’s just the way it goes with the toddler years. She keeps us on our toes and constantly learning and trying new parenting techniques. Jason and I often comment to each other that she gets more beautiful everyday. We are blessed and thankful to get to be her parents. I’m savoring this time when she has us all to herself as an only child.

1 Comment | Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Approval Letter: Ready or Not, Here We Go!

03/26/2013

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This came in the mail on Friday. Jason sent me a picture of the letter while I was at work. Totally non-chalant. He texted to say that Ali liked my chicken salad and “Just got the mail too.” He’s as cool as a cucumber about this whole thing, unless it comes to advocating for a child—then stay out of his way or you’ll get bowled over! But, seriously, how does he stay so chill about it?

My immediate reaction was freak out. I’m not ready!

Then I remembered, wait… yes I am. We’re going to be fine. We can do this. Deep breath.

3 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Dear Pre-Foster-Motherhood Self (An Open Letter)

03/25/2013

I was so influenced by Lauren (from Word from the Wallaces) open letter to herself pre-four-kids-under-the-age-of-five that I decided to write an open letter too. To myself. Pre fosterhood.

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Dear Pre-Foster-Motherhood Self,

Life is about to change big time and you can never go back to normal when it was just you and Jason and the dog. Except for that time between placements, but that’s not really the same old normal anyway. Just listen up. Here are so things you should know:

• Keep toddler foods around. I know you don’t know what this means because you don’t have kids yet so let me make it plain and simple: Your first placement will be a toddler and she will arrive late at night while Jason is in Norway. You should always keep things like this in the house: bananas, cheerios, yogurt, applesauce, fruit snacks/dried fruit, crackers, cheese sticks.

• Freeze as many meals as you can and stock up on frozen pizzas, burritos, pasta, macaroni and cheese, frozen and canned veggies. Fresh is nice but survival is more important. Food is food. Well meaning friends will think you don’t need any meals brought to you because you’re not recovering from a pregnancy. They have no idea how overwhelmed and exhausted you feel. Which brings me to…

• Ask for help. Friends want to help, they just don’t know what to do. They stopped over for 15 minutes to meet your new daughter but didn’t stay long because they didn’t want to intrude. You should tell them you’re at the brink of an emotional breakdown and you desperately need adult conversation.

• It’s OK for the mom to cry. Related to the previous point. You think you must always be strong and have all the answers. You were thrown in to the heat of battle and you weren’t briefed on the past. Give yourself grace. Put the screaming kid in her crib where she’s safe, call your mom for help and then have a good cry until she arrives.

• Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today. You think you have no plans tomorrow. You can get groceries tomorrow. You can vacuum the house tomorrow. You can sleep in tomorrow. You have no idea if later today your life and plans will change drastically and you have absolutely no control over tomorrow. Or maybe you do. But do whatever you can today, just in case.

• You were wise to stock up on one outfit in every size range. It still won’t be enough but you’ll be happy you have something not cigarette smokey to put the new kid in before she goes to sleep for the night.

• Speaking of when the kid sleeps: this is your time to get things done. Also remember to sleep. But do as much as it’s healthy to do during nap times, right after the kid goes to bed and before she wakes up. That way when she’s awake, she has your full attention.

• The first few days, you will have very little contact or direction from anyone in the system. You’ve passed their vigorous inspection process already and they trust you with this kid (despite your own feelings of inadequacy). Don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from her caseworker until next week when she informs you of the meeting you’re required to attend the next day. Write all your plans in pencil.

• Journal and keep records of everything. Everyday.

• Take lots of snacks with you when you leave the house. Those little people are constantly hungry. Left unfed for an hour or two, they get cranky. Also note: they don’t eat much in one sitting. Hence the constant hunger.

• Be brave and adventurous but know that sometimes you will flop. It’s OK. It makes a good story and you’ll be glad you tried. (I’m referring specifically to the time you decide to take the brand new toddler on a plane trip alone rather than finding a respite home. By the end of the flight all of the other passengers will hate you and assume you’re a horrible mother because “your daughter” keeps hitting and biting you, throwing her toys and screaming like a psycho when you try to restrain her in your lap. It really doesn’t matter. You will never see any of them again. Focus on nurturing and disciplining that feisty little girl…everything you do will matter eternally to her.)

• You’ve heard many times “it’s a broken system,” after your first placement you will have a much broader understanding of this. After your second placement you will realize it was so much worse than you thought. After your third placement… wait. We’re not there yet. But I’m scared to find out.

• Community and support will start to include a lot of people you’ve never met in person. This is perfectly OK. Your current network of family and friends does not include enough like-minded people who are young foster parents (yet, anyway). Blogs and blogging will connect you to these more-costly-than-gold individuals.

• Throw your expectations out the door. No really. Again. For real.

• Surprise: You will be adopting sooner than you imagine to a child much younger than you anticipated. It will be awesome! Also the most difficult fight of your life to date.

• It’s worth it. Love is never wasted. God will provide exactly what you need as you need it. He will sustain you through things you do not think you can handle. He will MOVE A MOUNTAIN. You’ve been told all of this before but I’m sending this from the future to tell you that it’s been tested and proved true. Your mind will be blown. Hang on to your hat…

13 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Me | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Popsicles

03/20/2013

I’ve been on a roll making homemade popsicles. (My current go-to is frozen mixed berries blended with plain whole milk yogurt and a bit of sugar to sweeten.) Ali loves them and she’s totally adorable and photogenic.

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Gosh, I love this kid so much! By the way, Happy 20 Months, Alianna!

2 Comments | Art, Art: Cooking, Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

New Home Tour: Den/Playroom

02/28/2013

Depending on the angle of the photo, it looks like a den…

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But 98% of the time it’s a playroom. (Technically, it’s a guest room, too, though it hasn’t been used as such yet. Someday it’ll be a bedroom.)

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The closet is full of books, toys and games.

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A few things to note about this room:

The sofa is vintage. We’d like to reupholster it someday but it’s not in bad shape and the pull out mattress is in excellent shape.

The rug is from Urban Outfitters. I purchased it for a staging project right before we moved in. We had it in the living room for a little while but it was way too small in there. It’s perfect in here.

This room is the smallest bedroom in the house but the super high ceilings make if feel big and the high windows and concrete wall make it very unique. I’m hoping a teenager will love it as a bedroom someday.

The play stove is second-hand, hand made but someone. I got it at a yard sale. It was Ali’s adoption day gift.

Ali’s navy table was a Christmas gift from Grandma and Grandpa. The metal folding chair is vintage from an estate sale in my neighborhood. I got it when I was putting together our first room for future foster kids.

The small guitar was a baby shower gift before our first placement. It’s still a bit too complex for Ali but she likes to bang on it, August Rush style. The blue guitar is really special to me. It was the guitar Jason first learned to play guitar on…it deserves it’s own post.

The TV is not attached to anything except power. Eventually we plan to get another Roku box for this room (which we use for Hulu and Netflix) and attach a DVD player. We’ll also need some kind of shelving for that.

The robot decals I won from a giveaway on Design Mom. Ali loves to give them kisses.

Ali’s favorite activities right now are the slide (going down and sending toys down) and sitting at her table to play with stickers

…

FYI, our architect is Ryan Thewes.

Related Posts:

New Home Tour: Kitchen

New Home Tour: Living Room

New Home Tour: Dining Room

 

Leave a Comment » | Art, Art: house tour, Art: interior design, Art: modern design, Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

And Then There Were Two

02/26/2013

Oh, but not a foster placement. Boy did I confuse a few people on facebook! On the foster care front, our case worker is coming out on Thursday to check out our new home and move us back into open status, assuming all goes well. (GULP.) We could potentially start getting placement calls this weekend. (DOUBLE GULP.) Our home is as ready as it’s going to be, which made it easier for us to agree to watch our friends’ little boy Jaron for 4 days/nights with less than 24 hours notice. We joked that it would be good practice for life with two kids but dang… it was good practice! We learned a lot. It was almost as big of an adjustment as suddenly being parents to a toddler (our first placement). That was encouraging on two levels – 1. It was not as big of an adjustment. (We’re experienced now! Woot!) and 2. With our first major adjustment it got better after a week or two so I know that it would get better with two kids, also. The major difference, of course, is that we already knew and loved Jaron and his parents and we knew it would just be a few days. They also gave us a ton of directions on how to care for him, clothes, food, toiletries, etc. All of those things made it easier. It was still very stretching to have two almost-twin toddlers, and I know it was hard on little Jaron, too. One of the biggest things I learned: Being out numbered by munchins is no joke! It was much easier when Jason and I were both there to split the duties. He’d put one kid to bed, I’d put the other to bed. He’d carry one kid into the store, I’d carry the other. We both had at least 1 day where we were solo parenting both kiddos. Oy! But again, I know it would get better the longer we had to settle into a ruetine and get used to each other. Ali did really well sharing her parents. I hardly noticed any jealousy. There were a few periods when both kids wanted the one-on-one adult attention that they’re used to and I wasn’t able to meet both of their needs at once. They weren’t upset with each other but at one point while I was trying to warm up some leftovers for dinner (no way I was going to be able to cook!) and I had one kid clinging to each of my legs. It would have been comical if the shrieking/crying/whining wasn’t making me lose my mind. I even attempted to take a photo so I could laugh about it later but it don’t turn out. And I realized…What am I doing?! Just get the dang food in the microwave so I can sit on the floor and hug both kids at the same time.

So on to the fun stuff. These two are so sweet together.

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This boy is a messy eater! Lord, have mercy…He’s so stinkin’ cute though. Smiles and laughs easily.

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They two both get kissed a lot by their parents so they love to kiss each other as well. So cute!

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Ali thought the chalk would make good lipstick…her latest obsession.

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Hi, Lucy! Yes, I still love you.

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Flashback… one year ago:

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2 Comments | Family, Family: Extended Family and Friends, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Good Reads

02/11/2013

These three blog posts rocked my world last week and I wanted to pass them on to you.

Look at Me When You’re Talking to Me!

You want me to look at you, even when you are very angry and I don’t want to look at you.  And you want me to wait my turn for talking, even when I have something very important to say.  So why don’t you look at me when I’m doing my very important things before you tell me to stop?  And why do you get to interrupt what I am doing without waiting until I’m done?

Written from the perspective to the child, this totally humbled me as a mama. It brought tears to my eyes as I realized how often I fail Ali by not giving her the attention and respect she deserves. The day before I read this, I had scolded Ali for demanding “Cacka! Cacka! Cacka!” from the other room. I told her she needed to say “Cracker please” in a nice tone. Then a few minutes later, I caught myself toning out her voice as I was preparing dinner. “Pease. Pease. Pease.” she was saying in the sweetest little voice as she pointed to the package of crackers. She wasn’t rude, loud or demanding…and she totally did not get my attention. Sigh.

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For the Foster/Adoptive Dad

My friend and mentor says there are only 2 emotions; fear and love.  They are intricately and inversely related.  Foster or adoptive children live out of fear, they are afraid that at the drop of a dime they will be picked up and put out of the home they are currently in.  It does not matter how old they are or how long they have been there, fear is often the primary emotion that is shaping everything and anything about these children.  … God says He is love, and thus far I believe Him.  No matter how many moments we want to respond in fear, fathers must ferociously pursue the presence of God…the presence of love.

I don’t come across a lot blogs written by foster/adoptive dads so I thought this one was pretty cool. This father discusses 3 things that he feels very foster/adoptive dad must force himself to lean into daily.

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3 Things We Forget

In most cases lying, stealing, selfishness, and the inability to empathize will surface again and again. Get ready, because they all come with the territory. All of these are symptoms of a human being who has been forced into survival mode early on in their little lives.

From the same father as the previous post, here he addresses 3 things to keep in mind when parenting “hurt” kids—behaviors that result from fighting to survive, not to expect gratitude from a child who didn’t choose this life and the long term investment beyond a kid’s 18th birthday.

1 Comment | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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