Sweet Signs of Love

09/15/2011

God is very generous. I didn’t ask Him to give us a sign that Ladybug was supposed to be our first placement, our first daughter or to confirm the specialness of the day of her arrival. But He did.

First it was the pregnancy symptoms. I think I’ve made it clear in the past that I’m not trying to get pregnant. However, in the two weeks leading up to Ladybug’s arrival Jason and I were completely convinced that I was pregnant. Without going into detail here, let me just say there were things going on that don’t normally go on in my body. We were sure. An app on my phone was pretty sure too. It said 7/28/11 was Test Day. I woke up that morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative. We were perplexed.

Later than night I was sure I wasn’t pregnant (AHEM) and I was wallowing in my own world of discomfort, reading Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman, when at 8:30 the phone rang. It was the same placement worker who had called Jason 4 days earlier and we missed the placement because he was on a plane. “I told you I had your number on speed dial,” she said. I suddenly forgot how crappy I was feeling as I sprung into hyper-nesting-mode, trying to make sure everything was in place to receive her in just 1 hour. If we hadn’t missed that first call, the placement worker wouldn’t have been able to reach either of us.

About a week after Ladybug’s arrival, I was back at work looking at my planner. I flipped back to July so I could write “Ladybug’s arrival” on July 28. I was shocked to see “Ladybug’s Due Date” already penciled in on July 28. Then I smiled. God. How funny that You would do that. I have a co-worker named Ladybug (L’s real name… work with me here) who had been pregnant. I emailed my co-worker, who had just given birth to a baby boy, to share the funny news with her. She responded back, “it really is funny how God works because my due date was actually the 29th.”

Ladybug’s due date was marked on my calendar…on test day, when we were convinced we were pregnant.

There were a few other little confirmations, too, though not as significant. Like that her birthday is Jason’s half birthday and some personality traits there were so much like me or so much like Jason that it was humorous to us.

The last surprise came a couple days after our goodbye. A sweet friend, Brooke, called to let me know that her husband was dropping off a gift on our back doorstep. When I got home, I found a vase of 10 bright pink Gerber daisies. I love daisies. I walked through the back door, set them on the counter and bust into tears as I remembered. The night Ladybug arrived at our house, she was carrying a fake hot pink Gerber daisy. The twisted stem had a sharp wire at the base so I tucked it away in her bag the next day. No one knew about that daisy except my parents and the placement worker who dropped her off (and who had given it to her.)

I’m not sure exactly what that means but I don’t believe it was a coincidence. It’s Ladybug’s flower. Maybe it means God is going to take her 1 twisted fake flower and multiply it into 10 living flowers. Maybe it means Ladybug was the first of 10 kids. (Ack! Jason came up with that idea.) Or maybe it was just a sweet reminder that God loves us. He knows what we’re going through, He cares and He weeps with us.


Back to Reality

09/13/2011

Jason and I had a lovely week away in Florida. We spent the first part of last week in Naples, one of our favorite towns. Then the past weekend was spent in Disney World. I’ll share more about our trip (and other happenings) once I dig myself out of all these piles of email and laundry and find time to buy groceries. Priorities, you know.


I Would Get Too Attached

09/12/2011

Every foster parent has heard this. It seems to be the default reaction from other parents when we explain what we do.

“I don’t think I could do that. I would get too attached.”

Usually my answer is, “There is no way not to get attached.” 

If I ever have the time, courage, (cockiness?) and eloquence for a long answer, here’s what I would say:

You’re right, you can’t do this; I can’t do this either.
God asked us to do something really, really hard.
It sucks.
But it’s worth it.
Because it’s not for our benefit.
It’s for them.
And for Him; for His glory.

I never intended to or attempted to not get attached.
These kids don’t need babysitters; they needs parents. Parents don’t hold back love for their children.
Yes, it will break our hearts.
We are aware of the risks God has asked us to take in this journey.
We’re willing to suffer for the sake of these little ones. For His sake.

Easier said than done.

If people were honest, instead of  “I would get too attached” they would just come right out and say: “I don’t want to suffer because of someone else’s mistakes.” Believe me, I fully understand. I am selfish, too. Maybe I should just say that next time.


Phone Photo Friday

09/02/2011

We said goodbye to Ladybug yesterday. It was very sad, and there may still be some waves of grief coming. However, we are doing much better than I expected. I knew God would equip us for this journey He asked us to take and we have so many friends and family praying for us. I’m not sure if we’re on the other side of the storm or if we’re in a big safe bubble but I am so thankful for God’s grace. It truly is sufficient for us and His power really is made perfect through our weakness.


We’re All Praying…

09/01/2011

Including this little guy who was on our front door yesterday morning. He turned around and looked at me for the photo.

Today is the day.

The day that Ladybug’s future is decided by some robe-wearing guy in a court room.

At least that’s how it looks from the outside.

But we know the Truth.

The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.

He knows what He is doing. He doesn’t make mistakes.

He has good plans for us (all 3 of us), plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans for a hope and a future.

Will you join us in praying? For His will to be done, not ours. We know what we want but we don’t truly know what’s best for Ladybug. He does.

And if we’re led into the valley of suffering, we don’t have to be afaid because He is with us.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

When we cry out, He will save us. And He will be glorified. 

His grace is sufficient for me; His power made perfect in my weakness.

When I am weak, He is strong.

We may weep all night, but joy will come.

We will press on.

We will persevere.

Nothing can separate us from His love.

Do you have someone who can give you that kind of reassurance?
That’s My King. I wonder, do you know Him?


What I Learned in My 1st Month of Parenting

08/31/2011

Our kids are not ours. We are not promised any number of days with them. This is especially evident for foster parents but it’s actual true for ALL parents. If we feel like we own our kids, we are mistaken. If we believe we can protect them from everything and keep them safe in our arms forever, it’s an illusion. I think the sooner all parents can grasp this, or un-grasp their kids, the better it is for everyone.

On the morning of our big team meeting where we knew we’d be hearing the details of how and why Ladybug will most likely be moved to live with a family member (as you can imagine a complicated, heart-wrenching decision which will ultimately be made by a judge…tomorrow), I decided to read the story of Abraham and Isaac again. It’s in Genesis 22 if you’re unfamiliar but the gist is this: Abraham had been promised a son and waited a really, really long time before his wife got pregnant. When Isaac finally arrived, Abraham absolutely adored him. He idolized him to the point God needed to test Abraham’s allegiance as it seemed that Isaac—the answer to Abraham’s prayers and a promise from God—had moved before God in Abe’s priorities. God had some really important plans for Abraham and Isaac so it was essential he stayed on course. The test was that God asked Abraham to give Isaac back to Him, to take his life as an offering to God. It wasn’t until God was sure that Abraham was really willing to do it, that He stopped him. After reading that story, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom picked up my quick daily devotional read, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

On August 23rd, this is what it said:

Entrust your loved ones to Me, surrender them to My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one–as well as yourself. 

Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father’s undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love. 

When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.

At some point every parent has to figuratively put Isaac on the alter and admit they don’t own their child, the Creator does and entrusts children to us as He sees fit.

Recognize each day as a gift. When you come to the place of accepting that you are not promised tomorrow, it’s easier to appreciate today. This is true not just for parents but all people. As a foster parent it is blatanly obvious – I have today. After that, I have no promises. You better believe we are making the most of everyday we have with little Ladybug.

Since this post is getting pretty heavy, here is some lightness…

Other beneficial side effects of [foster] parenting:
My biceps are huge! I mean, I’m a petite lady so my arms are still pretty scrawny but considering… I’ve got guns! I didn’t have the ease of working my way up from a 7 lb. baby to a heavy toddler… we went straight into parenting a 25 pounder. The first week my arms and lower back were killing me. Now, they barely hurt at all.

I’ve learned some pretty slick parenting techniques through our training and also just from living and learning. Of course, most of these tricks only work a handful of times so it’s an on-going cycle of learning, trying, succeeding, failing and moving on. For example, this temper tantrum technique worked beautifully and impressed some witnesses: Temper tantrum started. I laid the kid on the ground and said, “OK, go! Go ahead! Tantrum! I’m ready.” She looked at me bewildered. I said, “Come on! Yell!” I raised her arms above her head and jiggled them around fake screaming “Ahhhhh!” “And kick your feet!” I stomped her feet up and down and growled, “Ugh! I’m so mad!” By then she was laughing and the tantrum moment had past. I felt brilliant. But then it only worked a couple more times before she was on to me. Ten days later, the worst tantrum ever. I had to put her in her crib and walk away to keep her from hurting herself or me. You win some. You lose some.

People are so friendly to us in public. Strangers stop to comment on how beautiful she is. Ladybug is super friendly and says hi and waves to everyone at the grocery store, even if their backs are turned. An older woman at the grocery store even offered to return Jason’s shopping cart after he unloaded groceries into the silver bullet. “I remember what it was like grocery shopping with kids,” she smiled. An elder putting away a cart for a 28 year old dad. Imagine.


Your Love Never Fails

08/29/2011

I can’t promise I’ll post everyday this week. We’re heading into a storm…

Your Love Never Fails
by Chris McClarney

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But, You have new mercy for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
but joy comes with the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water’s deep
But, I’m not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm was far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Thank You Jesus, thank You Jesus, ooh

You make all things work together for my good


Phone Photo Friday

08/26/2011


Red Sunrise

08/25/2011

Most days I write posts ahead of time so they’re ready first thing in the morning but it didn’t work out last night. We’ve had a rough few days around here. We learned earlier this week that Ladybug will likely be moved with a family member next week. That alone would be plenty difficult. But, there is a disagreement between the decision-making judge and the recommendations from children’s services. That adds anger and frustration on top of the sadness. We’re trying hard to stay positive and enjoy every moment we can with our little lady in the next 7 days.

I know God is with us, with Ladybug and with her family. I know He cares about all of us and what is best for us. The Lord is faithful, He will never abandon us and He does not make mistakes. But He didn’t promise a bump-free ride. Every morning when I wake up, the sun is reflecting through our bathroom window and french door onto the wall across from our bed. The light is usually bright yellowish white. Today it was red. Sure enough, when I got up I saw that the sun peeking above the tree line was bold red. There is a storm coming…

(I didn’t think of taking a picture at the time. The one above shows what it USUALLY looks like.)

Please pray with us that the right decision is made to keep Ladybug safe and healthy. Also, please pray for peace and strength for all of us to face whatever we have to face next Thursday.


Studio Murphy Workbench: In Progress

08/24/2011

Jason and I came up with an idea for a murphy bed style work table in his music studio utility room. We didn’t want something that would eat up precious floor space but he needed a work surface besides his desk or the floor for changing guitar strings, repairing effect pedals and soldering. It’s a fairly simple concept but I think Jason did a great job implementing it. It’s not a finished project yet, as you can see. He still needs to add drywall, mud it, prime it and paint it; and finish out the workbench with banding and add built-in hidden shelving and a power outlet.

The legs fold out on hinges like a drop leaf table. The table top is unlatched so it can fold down and rest on the legs.

It’s standing height or stool height. I have a specific kind of stool in mind… one of these retro chairs that doubles as a step stool. I saw one at a vintage store once but one of these replicas look like a decent option.

My old acoustic guitar is serving as a test dummy. We plan to add some felt or a rubbery soft surface to the table top that can be removed when he’s soldering.

I’ll be back to share the finished project whenever it’s done.