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Foster Care Terminology

08/08/2012

This is a follow up to my post on Adoption Terminology. The language of foster care is perhaps even more inconsistent, complicated and confusing. The most important point, in my opinion, is to put the label on the adult—the foster parent, not the child. Labels can be embarrassing for a child. A kid who is already feeling out of sorts after being plopped into a whole new family, school, church, etc. really doesn’t need to feel more set apart with the big juicy label “foster child.” A child who is in foster care, living with foster parents, does not need to be called a foster child. Please! If you ignore everything else in this post, take this to heart. Again, I’m thankful we haven’t had a child old enough to really understand these terms when they’re misused. This is from my experience and opinion:

Foster Care Terms
foster care – a federally-backed state-run program for children who have been removed from their biological parents’ custody, typically due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment. The government places these children as “wards of the state” into foster homes, group homes or residential treatment centers temporarily until a permanent long-term plan is made for the child. A child in foster care is in state custody. In most cases (75%?), the goal is for the child to be returned to his/her biological parents’ custody once they have met certain requirements, such as acquiring adequate housing and job, parenting classes, drug/alcohol treatment.

reunification – the process of transitioning the child back into custody of his/her biological parents; this is the goal of foster care most of the time

foster parents – the people who volunteered to parent a child who is in foster care

resource parents – our state (Tennessee) refers to foster parents as resource parents

foster home – the home of the foster parents

orphanage – a group home where children live 24/7 with around-the-clock caretakers while they wait to be adopted. it is my understanding that these no longer exist in the United States as research has shown that children thrive more in a family and home setting with the individual attention and love from foster parents.

foster care adoption / fost-adopt / pre-adoptive home – when a child in state custody becomes legally free to adopt (biological parental rights have been terminated), the foster parents typically are the go-to option to adopt the child because ideally a healthy, loving bond has already been established. the adoption is done through the state, as opposed to a private adoption, and is very inexpensive compared to other types of adoption. In Tennessee every foster home is an approved adoptive home. In some states, additional requirements may need to be met for a home to be considered a fost-adopt or pre-adoptive home.

termination of parental rights / TPR – the process in which all legal rights of the biological parents are severed

legally free / legal risk – a child whose biological parents have already have their parental rights terminated or surrendered; this child is legally free to adopt. In Tennessee the process of TPR can take a long time and it usually unknown at the time of placement whether or not a child will be heading towards a plan of reunification with biological parents or TPR and adoption.

department of childrens services / DCS – (Tennessee) the arm of the county government that serves children in state custody; has different names in different states such as “department of family and child services / DFCS” and “department of human services / DHS”

case worker/ CW / family service worker / FSW – (Tennessee) a social worker who is assigned to take care of a specific case (case = child or sibling set); in our state, we as foster parents have a case worker who handles our home study and training and a different case worker is assigned to each child or sibling group

child protective services / CPS – I honestly don’t know enough about CPS to answer this but I know in Tennessee CPS often does the investigation and removes the child from the bio parents’ home and assists DCS in placing the child in a foster home. CPS is not always involved.

sibling group – every attempt is made to keep biological siblings together when there are healthy relationships between the children

placement – when a child is matched with foster parents, the child is placed with them; the child may be referred to as the placement or it may refer to the time when the child was placed; the time of placement.

kinship placement – when a child is placed with an extended family member while in state custody; the family member must go through the same training and receives the same benefits as foster parents, however training can be done after the time of placement rather than before placement. In Tennessee the definition of kinship is ridiculously liberal – including neighbors, teachers, godparents…basically anyone who knows of the child; but doesn’t need to have actually met or have an established relationship with the child. (Don’t get me started…)

permanency plan – (Tennessee) the goal made by the Department of Childrens Services and the juvenile court system — either to reunite the child with his/her biological family or to move toward adoption. The goal is for the child NOT to remain in foster care more than 1-2 years.

foster child/ foster kid / foster son / foster daughter / foster baby – a child who is temporarily in state custody because of abuse, neglect or abandonment from their original family; see my note above about avoiding putting a label on the child whenever possible

From my personal experience, here are three examples of how to introduce a child to family and friends, especially those who don’t know you are a foster parent and are totally confused about who the kid is…without using the term foster child or foster kid.

Usually friends will say to us, “And who is this?”

1. “This is Megan.”

2. “This is Megan. She’s living with us for a while.”

3. “This is Megan. She’s been a part of our family since April. Did you know we’re foster parents?”

Fellow foster parents, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What did I forget?

5 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: foster care, foster child, foster kid, foster parenting, state custody, terminology, terms, words | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Adoption Terminology

08/07/2012

Adoption has it’s own language. There are labels and terms for key players that are important for explaining who is who in the process. Adoptive families can be offended or insulted when the wrong terms are used, so its valuable to understand these labels if you have someone in your life who is affected by adoption. There are from my experience and opinion so take it for what’s worth:

Adoption Terms
mom/mother – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption/placement onward

adoptive mom – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption onward (no need to use the distinction “adoptive” unless you’re talking about the biological mom also and there is a need to clarify who is who)

birth mom / bio mom / bmom / natural mom – the woman who carried the child in utero and gave birth to the child

real mom – both the adoptive mom and the birth mom are real moms

(apply the same rules for dad/father, adoptive dad, birth dad / bio dad / bdad / natural dad, etc.)

child – a person who is not an adult yet

child who is adopted – no such thing; it’s like saying a “child who is born”; the tenses don’t match

child who was adopted – child who was adopted (this label only needs mentioned when it’s truly relevant), it’s past tense

adopted child – there is no need to introduce a child as an “adopted child”; just a child. don’t single out the child who was adopted. it’s like saying “this is my C-section child” and “this is my vaginal birth child.”

forever family – the child’s family, from the point of adoption/placement onward

biological family – the people who share the child’s biology

sisters and brothers / siblings – children raised by the same forever parents

Jason and I really try not to be offended when someones calls one of us or one of Precious’ family members the wrong term. It’s rarely, if ever, done maliciously and usually a gentle eduction or reminder about the right terms is all that’s needed. When I hear someone say “Precious’ mom” I automatically assume the person is talking about me. I’m Precious’s mom today, yesterday, tomorrow, everyday since September 21, 2011 until eternity. I am Precious’ mom. When someone refers Precious’ birth mom as “Precious’ mom,” it catches me off guard more than it offends me. And, it makes me thankful that Precious doesn’t understand the implications of that yet, because it could be really confusing to her. She calls me mama. She knows me as her mom. We want her to know about her birth mom but I want her to be confident that I am and always will be her mom.

Jason and I have been careful to refer to Precious’ biological half-siblings as her biological half-siblings, because that’s what they are. I realize it is much easier to just say “sister” or “brother,” but we’re making that distinction from the beginning knowing that it’s likely we’ll have other children someday. Those other children will be Precious’ sisters and brothers, the kids she shares parents with, grows up with, spends her days and evenings with, fights for the bathroom with, celebrates birthdays and holidays with, goes on family vacations with, etc. When we’re with her biological half-siblings, I don’t mind calling them sisters and brothers but I want to help her understand, as she gets older, the difference between people who share your biology and people who share your parents.

We talk openly with Precious about her adoption. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I hope she’ll be proud of her story. She’s not old enough to dialogue about it yet but we practice telling her all about her adoption so it’s a normal part of our lives and something she’ll come to understand more and more as she gets older.

If you’d like to read more on the topic of adoption terms and how it can negatively affect a child when the wrong terms are used, check out this post by Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan: parents, please educate your kids about adoption so mine don’t have to

I’ll be back tomorrow with Foster Care Terminology.

7 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption | Tagged: adoption, adoptive mom, birth mom, terminology, terms, words | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

08/03/2012

Precious’ first time at nursery in our new church building.

Most of my Phone Photo Friday pictures are from my Instagram feed. Follow me @mahlbrandt if you’d life!

1 Comment | Art, Art: Phone Photo Friday, Faith, Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: cell phone photography, church, nursery, Phone Photo Friday | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

A Year of Foster Parenting… Sort of

08/02/2012

Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first placement, dubbed Ladybug here. I thought about her a lot the past week. I pray that she’s doing well. No news is good news, I suppose. If you’ve been reading here long, you probably know that while we still consider ourselves foster parents, our home is in closed status while we’re temporarily living with my parents and building a new home. Technically we haven’t had a child in foster care with us since November when Precious was moved into our legal guardianship. Specifics aside, we’ve been parents for a year now. July 28, 2011 is one of those dates that will be permanently etched in my memory. Ladybug holds a very special place in my heart. She was the first child ever to call me mama.

We started our our day with a get together of old and new friends who are all touched by adoption or foster care one way or another. I call it a community group: people on similar life journeys hanging out with no agenda but to support and encourage each other. If nothing else, it’s a place where people don’t ask dumb questions or use wrong terminology about adoption. There was one brand new foster mama there with her 10 year old first placement. There was a couple and their daughter adopted from Ethiopia 2.5 years ago. There was a woman with her one year old who was an unexpected domestic infant adoption. And there were several friends who are waiting for domestic infant adoption matches. An eclectic mix with a common thread.

From there, we spent the afternoon with some of Precious’ biological family. I have so much going through my mind since then but little of it seems appropriate to share here. Maybe writing will help me sort out my thoughts … Precious has 4 older biological half-siblings, living in 3 different homes. It was great to get them all under one roof, to see them all loving each other so well and getting along great. They’re all just as beautiful as Precious, if you can believe that. I got a few photos of the five together but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to share here.

With foster care, there is not really such thing as “open adoption.” All adoptions are closed for reasons you can imagine. But at the same time, unless a foster parent is really determined to avoid the biological family all together—or if the bio family is gone—they’re going to meet or at least know each others’ names. This was scary to me at first. Partly for Precious’ safety and emotional health, but also for selfish reason: I don’t want to make things more complicated. (Ha!) I’m finally starting to understand the sentiment I’ve often heard in regards to open adoption: a child can never have too many people who love and care about her. Seeing how excited Precious’ bio family was to see her and how they couldn’t wait to shower her with hugs and kisses confirms the value of maintaining those connections when it’s possible and beneficial.

I’ve written before about how valuable it turned out to be to have some visits with Precious’ birth mom, because not only did she show us how much she loves her, she told us and also generously affirmed us as her parents. It was so beneficial, even though it was uncomfortable. As Precious gets older, we’ll be able to give her a say in how much contact she wants to maintain with her biological family, as well as gauging how it affects her to see them. It’s so hard to know what to do but we want to keep the doors open. Anyone out there have experience with open adoptions have some insight to share?

(Story behind the pink daises here.)

2 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: adoption, Family, foster care, Ladybug, parenting, precious | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Precious’ 1st Birthday

07/31/2012

Our big family vacation was planned on the same week as Precious’ first birthday before we knew she existed, but it worked out great to have her aunts, uncles and cousins from my side (who all live in Eastern PA) to be there to celebrate with her. I had no intentions of having a BIG first birthday celebration for her, because I like the idea of keeping birthdays for little ones as small family get togethers. We kept it super simple with homemade cupcakes (decorated by Jason and me), party hats, blowers and balloons, and a special handmade banner that I sewed a few days before our trip. It says “HOORAY” so we can use it for many occasions in the future.

Precious, who loves music, looked at us very strangely as we sang Happy Birthday. The majority of us can’t carry a tune, so… Sorry, Baby.

She knew exactly what to do with that cupcake though…

She also got all sorts of neat gifts. This photo-dump is to document and give thanks where it’s due!

Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, for the puzzle and neighborhood wagon!

Thank you, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Jess and Iris, for the Eric Carle books, wooden Costa Rica puzzle and the play breakfast set!

Thank you, Uncle Aaron, Aunt Laura and Eli, for the new clothes and pull frog toy!

The party girl.

Party cousins: Eli and Iris.

My brother Aaron and his boy Eli.

My sister Jess and her girl Iris.

My sibs and their families had to leave the day of her birthday so we had a little bit of celebration the next day, too, on Precious’ actual birthday. We gave her a set of musical toys.

Thank you, Uncle Steve, Aunt Char and Aiden for the gifts you sent. She LOVES My Pal Violet and she’s getting the hang of the sippy cups.

Jason programmed Violet to say and spell her name and mention her favorite food, color and animal. (We took our best guesses: peaches, green and alligator!)

When Precious joined our family at 2 months old her toenails were painted green. After I took that off, I decided then that I’d wait until her first birthday to paint her toenails again. Light pink!

And one last photo…Jason and Precious waiting for her birthday dinner on our last night of vacation.

Happy Birthday, Ali-gator! I hope you enjoyed your celebration. We love you so much!

3 Comments | Family, Family: Jason, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: baby, birthday, daughter, first birthday, one, precious | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Emerald Isle, North Carolina

07/30/2012

The week before last, we snuck off for a week of family vacation in Emerald Isle, NC. My parents rented a beach house and invited us, my siblings, their spouses and their kids to join them. Here are my awesome, generous parents:

It’s a rare occasion to have us all together, especially for such a long stretch. The house arrangement couldn’t have been better for 6 month old, 9 month old and 1 year old – we were close enough to the beach to come and go at our own pace and the house had a small pool in the back, perfect for floating around in while babies were napping.

We celebrated Precious’ first birthday while we were there and I’ll write a separate post about the party. One of her gifts was a red wagon from my parents. It will be great for trips back and forth from their house to our new house, just down the road. We decided to bring it along to the beach for walks to the ice cream shop and evening strolls on the beach.

The view from the back patio where we spent a lot of time:

I did a really bad job of documenting the adults on vacation (surprise, surprise) so the rest of my photos are centered around the little kiddos. Grandma with my 6-month old nephew Eli:

My 9-month-old niece Iris playing with Precious on the deck:

Somebody got pictures of all three babies together. We also attempted some self-timer portraits of all of us together. Eventually I’ll track those photos down… Here are some shots of Precious exploring the beach. She didn’t mind crawling on the flat sand but the ocean was a little scary:

Hmm, what’s this? Looks like cinnamon…

Doesn’t taste good!

Leave a Comment » | Family | Tagged: beach, emerald isle, Family, vacation | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

07/27/2012

Leave a Comment » | Art, Art: music, Art: Phone Photo Friday, Family, Family: Jason | Tagged: acoustic, cell phone photography, guitar, Jason, Phone Photo Friday, retro, vacation, vintage | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Precious: Monthly Portrait 12

07/26/2012

Ali-gator, holy cow, you’re one! We celebrated your first birthday in Emerald Isle, NC with your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on my side of the family. It was a small but special party at a beach house with party hats, noise makers and balloons for all. You devoured a chocolate cupcake with strawberry frosting. (More posts about all of that coming soon.)

This past month has brought an explosion of language. You’re repeating words and sounds all the time. We’re still surprised when we ask you if you want another a drink of water and you say “yeah” or if we over you a bite of calzone and you say “tank you” all on your own. You’re obviously understanding so much now and learning new things everyday. You’re really getting into music. Any time you hear a beat, you start bopping. You’ll sing back to Daddy when he sings you tunes or try to sing along with the song. When you do something good, we often clap and say “yay!” so now you do the same for us. Yesterday when I changed your diaper you clapped your hands and said, “yay!” Good diaper changing job, Mommy! You are still super friendly when we’re out and about which means you draw people like a magnet with your smile and “hi!” Keep it up and you’ll have no trouble making friends.

You’re still an excellent eater and sleeper. Your sixth tooth came through the week before your birthday. You’ll try anything we offer you, but won’t open your mouth all the way anymore until you’ve had a taste. Some foods like scrambled eggs or green peppers sometimes get spit out. We’re quite impressed that you love strong flavors and unusual textures like artichokes, olives, dill pickles, pancakes with syrup, pepperoni, and fried okra (a new favorite from vacation). Peaches might be your current favorite food. You can polish off most of one all yourself in one sitting. For the most part, you eat whatever we’re eating, which is really convenient. You sleep a lot—8pm to 9am most nights and 2-3 hours worth of naps during the day. You went through a period of resisting sleep time by crying but we pretty much ignored you (sorry!) and now you’re back to happily going to sleep, snuggling up with Little Lucy before you fall asleep.

You’re walking with assistance and crawling like a pro—you’re quick! With that has come with some new needs for discipline and we’ve had to start saying “No!” and redirecting you a lot more lately. However, you’re getting it! You often respond to, “Do not touch the tv!” or “Do not play in Lucy’s water bowl!” on the first time now, without us having to physically move you away. You are a very bright girl. Often before you do something prohibited you’ll look at us to see if we’re watching you and we can tell you’re making sense of it all, thinking, and learning to enact some self-control. It will get easy as you mature, dear daughter.

Getting these monthly pictures had gotten more difficult each month as you’ve become more active—so I’m officially done. 10 monthly portraits from 3 months old – 12 months old. That’s the best I could do. It’s so fun to watch you grow!

2 Comments | Family, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: baby, monthly, monthly portraits, precious | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Family Yearbook – Vol. 1, 2011

07/24/2012

I bought a coupon from Living Social for a photo book from Shutterfly a few months ago. At first I was thinking of doing the photos all based around Precious since I take so many pics of her. But then I couldn’t decide on the time frame. I couldn’t really do her first year since we don’t have any pictures from her first two months. I thought about doing the day she joined our family until her adoption day, but I wanted to have the book out at her adoption party so that wouldn’t work. And what about Ladybug, our first child through foster care? I had intended to make a scrapbook of her time with us since I took about 300 pictures during the 5 weeks, but I never got around to it. I wanted to have some kind of album to honor her, too. I finally decided on doing a family yearbook of 2011, starting what I hope to be a tradition of making a family photo book of each year. With careful planning I managed to stick to 20 pages. Even though I’m a graphic designer by day, I decided to use one of Shutterfly’s templates for the book rather than doing a custom design—because I had a feeling I’d spend way too much time on the design and the book would get put off. So here it is:

I’m really happy with how it turned out. It chronicals the biggest milestones of 2011. Here are a few of the highlights, starting with our niece Eliza’s birth day in February.

Jason’s and my anniversary

Preparing our home to become foster parents and when Ladybug joined our family

Our first weekend trips with Precious to Pigeon Forge and Cincinnati

The birth of our niece Iris and our friends’ son Jaron, Thanksgiving in PA with my family

“Surrender Day”, purchasing the land for our future home, and Christmas

2 Comments | Art, Family | Tagged: Family, photo book, photography, shutterfly, yearbook | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Raggedy Ann Brown

07/23/2012

My mother-in-law recently made Precious a special, crocheted Raggedy Ann doll. She customized Ann with caramel brown skin, just like Precious. I decided she should be named Raggedy Ann Brown. That is, until Precious makes up her own name for her doll. I could hardly snap one picture of her before Precious made her way over to grab her.