Do you remember this story? One year ago tomorrow, a miracle happened while were in court feeling hopeless, thinking that we were about to say goodbye to our sweet baby girl after two months of fostering and falling in love with her. But, to our surprise she was taken out of state custody and put back into our arms so we could become her forever parents! We are so blessed, so thankful that we get to be this precious little girl’s parents!
November 10, 2011
November 11, 2012
4 Comments | 
Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: adoption, anniversary, custody, foster care, precious | 
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Posted by mahlbrandt
Evidenced by 15-month-old Alianna’s new two word phrase “read it,” she’s been really into books lately. When she’s getting sleepy before a nap or bedtime, she’s even more likely to have the attention span for me to get through a whole book. The other day my mom was reading my sleepy girl this book (below) and I wanted to capture the moment.
One, Two, Three by Sandra Boynton
These are some of Ali’s (and my) other current favorites to read everyday, sometimes many times a day:
Little Pink Pup – a great story for foster or adoptive families – it’s a true story so it uses real (poor quality) photos but it’s still very sweet
A Mother for Choco – another great one for adoption/foster dialogues about mother and child that don’t look alike, as well as what it means to be a mother
Rhyme Bible Storybook – the stories are just the right length and written as poems that are fun to read aloud. (Note: this is a huge book with tons of stories in it.)
All of Baby Nose to Toes – this is my favorite book to read aloud because it’s impossible for me to not sing-read it
Polite Elephant – we’re working on manners like “please” and “thank you” and how to welcome someone into our house, thank someone when we leave their house, how to play gently with other’s toys, etc. so this one is timely for us
Hug Time – about a kitty so full of love that he wanted to give the whole world a hug. Need I say more?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? – we use this one to practice animal names and sounds
Hop on Pop – this is the only one in our current favorites pile that was also one of my favorites when I was little. Good old Dr. Seuss.
1 Comment | Art, Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: books, favorites, precious, reading, toddler | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Have you ever had a “DUH” moment, when you realize God has been trying to teach you a lesson for, say, 7 months and then you finally get it?
The other night I was having a self-pity fest. It was just me and Ali hanging out for the evening and I didn’t want to be a bad influence so thankfully, this conversation was just in my head. I was so sick of living at my parents’ house and I was making a list. So sick of not knowing where the tomato sauce is. So sick of cleaning up other people’s drips on the counters. So sick of not having a big plastic serving spoon like the one we have in storage. So sick of storing dishes in my bedroom closet. So sick of this. So sick of that. So sick of feeling like I don’t have a home.
That’s when it hit me. My parents’ house is great and they have been so, so generous to let us stay with them. They provide groceries, many cooked meals, shelter, food, lights, help with childcare, and much more all for a little rent. They’re kind and they give us much grace. We’re getting a great deal and I know, I really do know, that we are very blessed to be here right now while our new home is being built.
Even with all that provision and all that love, its just.not.home. Not my home. Finally after all these months, the message was loud and clear:
Before you make your new home and open it up to more foster kids, I want you to truly understand how frustrating it feels to not have a home. Even with a cozy house, even with tons of provision, even with loving parents, you can still feel homesick—homesick for a place you cannot go.
6 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: foster care, foster parenting, home, homesick, new house | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Are you familiar with the term “familiversary?” I think Foster Parenting Podcast made it up. Some people call it “Gotcha Day” (usually when traveling to meet a child and bring them home for adoption) or “Family Birthday.” It’s not Adoption Day…it’s the day that we became a family unofficially, but a very real family.
• • •
On September 21, 2011 Jason and I were just sitting down to dinner on our back patio when my phone rang. I went in the house to grab a paper and pen and started repeating details out loud as I jotted down notes and shot some glances at Jason.
“Two-month old baby girl.”
“Bi-racial…white and hispanic…”
Umm hmm. Ok. Uh huh. I scribbled down information about her biological siblings and her situation.
“Can you hang on a second while I talk to my husband?”
It was just shy of 3 weeks from the day we said goodbye to Ladybug and we were still grieving. We thought we’d wait a month-ish before saying yes to a call. We had gotten plenty of calls but they were all outside of our parameters so it was easy (easier…) to say no.
Jason’s response to this call: “The only reasons I can think of to say no to this one are completely selfish.” Which meant yes. YES.
“Yes!”
I let my dinner go cold as I snapped into hyper nesting mode. Are there clean sheets on the crib? Do we have any baby clothes? Blankets? How much do 2-month-olds eat? How often? How much do they sleep? I realized I was completely clueless. Remember all those What to Expect books you read while you were growing a baby for 9 months? Yeah, nada here. So I called my sister-in-law Ginger who had just had my niece 7 months prior and she gave me bullet points (which is all my brain could handle) on what kind of bottles to get, a typical daily sleeping/eating schedule, a few suggestions like bibs and burp cloths, and an invitation to call her any time of the day or night.
An hour later, this precious little peanut was delivered to our house. I’ve been saving this picture to share today. It’s the first picture I took of our beautiful girl to send to family and friends. I even managed to accidentally get our DCS agreement paperwork into the picture, too.
Our life will never be the same—it’s so much better now because of our dear little Alianna!
It’s a fun coincidence that I happen to have pictures of both myself and Jason on September 21, 2011. I was dressed up for a meeting and wanted to remember my outfit for future reference.
Jason was trying to help me to relax and calm down before my important meeting so he was playing his guitar for me, while I chilled out…in our nursery!
7 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: adoption, Ali, familiversary, family birthday, foster care, foster parenting, gotcha day, precious | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
I wrote a guest post over on the blog of Farrah Frye today about one of my favorite moments as a foster parent. I just recently discovered Farrah’s blog. She’s a foster mama to four older kids and I love her positive attitude and adoration of her kids. I’m honored that she asked me to share a story on her website. I hope you’ll check it out!
Leave a Comment » | Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: favorite moments, foster parenting, guest post | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Sometime before Jason and I became foster parents—when we were still assuming we’d have kids the usual way—we decided that we’d name our first daughter Anna. I’m a name lover. I’ve been keeping lists of favorite names for as long as I can remember and it was on my list. Anna means gracious.
My dad’s mother’s name was Anna Maria. She was a lovely Swedish woman, kind, gentle, generous, encouraging. She also had a sweet tooth that led her to hide Nilla wafers in her bedroom, even after she had diabetes and was not allowed to have sweets. She was spunky like that. I can understand because I’m a lot like her. When she was younger, she decided she wanted her name to sound more America so she went by Ann Marie. I’ve always loved the name Anna, though.
Jason’s dad’s mom is named Anna Mae. She’s the last remaining grandparent between the both of us. Sadly, we don’t see her very often because we live so far away. I don’t know her well but she seems like a lovely woman, too. Jason’s grandfather often called her by her first and middle name together so Jason was particularly fond of also using Mae. Mae doesn’t really mean anything other than the month of May, but a friend told me it means beautiful in Mandarin Chinese (with different spelling). I haven’t confirmed it but it works for me.
Anna Mae.
Gracious Beautiful.
Jump ahead. We accepted that as foster parents, we probably won’t be renaming our kids unless the circumstances are right. Then, much to our surprise we were placed with a 2-month-old and learned quickly that we’d be adopting her. We could have changed her name to anything we wanted and it would not have been much of a transition for her. But as it turned out, we really liked her original first name. (I’m purposely not stating it here.) Before we filed her adoption paperwork we milled around many different possibilities of how we could modify her name without totally changing it. I wrote out our top choices on the chalkboard door of her bedroom. Seeing them scratched out there, the solution was obvious.
Alianna Mae.
We took the first part of her original name and added our favorite name behind it. We had gotten used to calling her Ali for short and didn’t want to completely replace her first name. As a nice surprise, Mae not only sends a nod towards my name, it also honor’s Ali’s birth mom’s name. I cannot think of a more perfect name for our beautiful daughter, a gracious gift from God.
(Cross stitch art above was made by my mother-in-law, Grandma K, as an adoption day gift.)
1 Comment | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: adoption, Ali, Alianna Mae, daughter, foster care, name | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Saturday is September 1. Isn’t it funny how a date can be insignificant for so many years and then instantly become important. September 1, 2011. Since then I’ve been referring to it as the hardest day of my life. It was the day we said goodbye to our first daughter, our first child, the little lady that made Jason and I parents for the first time… Ladybug. I was looking back at my posts from last year and I don’t think I ever wrote much about that day. We had a vacation to Florida planned (coincidentally) for just a few days later and I was in get-the-hell-out-of-here mode.
We had been parents for exactly 5 weeks. She was our first foster placement. We knew little about how the child welfare system worked at that point. Ladybug’s social worker and the rest of the department did not want her to exit state custody to go with a relative but they knew it was likely to happen in court on September 1. We trusted their judgement but we prayed for God to lead the decision, wanting nothing but the best for Ladybug. Her case worker was convinced it would be a mistake to release her to this relative and that if the judge made that decision, for sure Ladybug would be back. And she would call us back to be her foster parents again.
We knew her case was on the 9am docket on Thursday, September 1. The night before I reluctantly packed up her few belongings into her bags, with the addition of some new outfits and toys. I put a picture of the three of us in there with a note on the back, knowing that no one really recalls memories from that young. But I hoped that somehow she would remember us, remember being loved and cared for, remember having a daddy—even if it was just for 5 weeks. I prayed that she’d remember the things we taught her…not to hit and bite, to say “tank you” and “no tank you” and “peez.” I prayed and prayed and prayed for that little girl, still clinging to the hope that maybe she’d stay a while longer or maybe she’d be brought back to us.
I assumed that Ladybug’s case worker was going to tell us where to be and when but she assumed we knew. I was trying to resist the inevitable so I didn’t call for instructions. We went to our favorite coffee shop to wait for her call. Ladybug sat on Jason’s lap and played with a toy light saber while I snapped my last photo of her. Her bags were packed in the car. Her case worker did call, just before they were called into the courtroom. We were supposed to be there, with her bags, but we didn’t realize. We got directions and got there quickly to wait outside the courtroom. The courthouse was noisy, filled with kids, parents, foster parents, case workers, security guards, police officers and court workers. It’s a mostly awful place.
We sat on a bench in the hallway waiting for the session to end. When Ladybug’s relative emerged from the doors, we could see on her face what the judge had decided. She was thrilled. Ladybug seemed to have no attachment to her at all but willingly went to her (as she did to anyone). Her case worker filled us in on the details and asked if we’d brought in her bags. We hadn’t. Jason and Ladybug’s relative went out to the parking lot to exchange L’s things. I had a few more minutes to hold her and love on her until they returned.
There were so many things I wanted to say to her but none of it felt right. Jason and I each took a turn giving her one last hug and kiss. After my goodbye, I knew I had to hand her over. But I desperately didn’t want to. How could she possibly understand what was going on? This sweet child had been abandoned once already by the one she called “Mom” and now her new “Mom” was going to pass her off again? I wanted her new custodian to yank her out of my arms. I wanted Ladybug to feel my resistance…I wanted her to know we weren’t rejecting her, we weren’t giving her away, she was loved and wanted. And yet…I had to let go.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
She took a huge chunk of my heart with her.
As Jason and I grabbed hands and started down the stairs, I looked back at them. Ladybug never looked back. She never saw tears welling up in our eyes or the pain on our faces. As we walked out the courthouse doors, empty handed, we clung to each other and cried. The words of an older friend at our church echoed through my head. “You will get through this. You hold her up. And you hold him up. Support each other and you will get through this together, you hear me?”
I was expecting a storm to follow that moment, a dark valley, a night of mourning…but it never fully came. We were sad, yes. We went over to my parents house to make calls to our friends and family and to cry some more with my mom. I know a lot of people were praying us through that time. I knew in my mind that God wouldn’t ask us to do something seemingly impossible without miraculously equipping us. After going through that experience, I now know in my heart, without a doubt, that He will come through for me every time. It felt like I was in a bubble for the week to follow that dreaded goodbye. I kept thinking the bubble was going to pop and the world would come crashing in, but it never did. We were sheltered. There are still moments of grief and we’re reminded of her all the time. Her picture still hangs on the refrigerator, on my cubicle wall, in an album on my phone. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to take it down, if ever. I will always miss her and I will always love her.
2 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Ladybug | Tagged: 1 year, foster parenting, goodbye, Ladybug, reflection | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Our journey to Ali’s adoption finalization was like a roller coaster that ended with one long, long down hill coast. The timeline looks like this:
7/20/11 – Ali was born
9/21/11 – Ali was placed with us through foster care
11/4/11 – We were told they were taking her away from us in 2 weeks, moving her to a stranger
11/15/11 – She was put into our custody so we could adopt her
12/21/11 – Her first mom surrendered her parental rights to us
1/12 – our home study and adoption papers were filed at the courthouse
waiting…waiting…waiting…
8/6/12 – found out about our adoption hearing (less than 24 hours notice!)
8/7/12 – biological father TPR default and Adoption Day!
I have to admit, just one day after the crazy roller coaster ride ended, I started thinking… what’s next? More specifically, who is next? I’m ready to adopt again. Baby fever? No, not necessarily a baby—actually a baby might be my last choice if I have any say in it. I’m thinking about an older child next time.
Adoption fever. I think I have adoption fever.
Or I’m completely off my rocker. Or both. Thank God for a forced hiatus while our house is being built. And a husband with some good sense. Somedays if feels like my heart is completely dominating over my brain.
5 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: adoption, adoption fever, baby fever, Family | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
Last week did not go at all like I had planned and I’m so glad! Every two months I have 2-3 super busy deadline weeks at work (then 5-6 normal weeks). Knowing last week would be one of those slammin’ busy weeks, I scheduled all my daily blog posts in advance. I like to plan ahead so things operate smoothly. Ahem…
Mid-Monday morning our attorney called with the news we’d been waiting to hear since January. We were finally on the docket for Precious’ adoption finalization—ON TUESDAY! Less than 24 hours notice meant a barrage of texts, emails and phone calls to notify my boss, my co-workers, our family and friends, Jason. Not in that order. I tried Jason first but he was in the air on his way home from Canada. I had planned on having a big adoption party/open house the day of the adoption but it was just too short of notice. I had planned to hire a photographer to go with us to the courthouse but there wasn’t enough time…or so I thought. My awesome photographer friend Beth Rose and her husband Josh were able to pull some strings so that she could be there with us to document the big day.
Monday I was an emotional wreck as I tried to pack in a 12-hour work day to make up for missing work Tuesday. When I finally shut off the computer at 11:00pm, I started to really mentally prepare for adoption day. I wrote Precious a letter. I wrote out the lyrics to a song that was so important to me early on in her time with us. I wrote her a card to go with her adoption day gift. I tucked a $20 bill in the card that had been a meaningful token of God’s provision for us through her adoption. We found it in the parking lot of the courthouse the day we got custody and found out we’d have to come up with money for a private adoption—I no longer need it. I cried as I reflected on this wonderful, miraculous journey. The tears were a release of the last little bits of fear that I had been suppressing, fears that something would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t get finalized. We had finally arrived!
The actual adoption was a blur. We arrived at the courthouse at 9am Monday morning—Jason, me, my parents, his mom, our friends Leila and Jeremy, their boy Jaron. Waiting for us there was our photographer Beth Rose with her daughter, our sister-in-law Ginger, our niece Eliza, and our attorney Jennifer. We were the second hearing on the docket.
I don’t know the exact time but somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 we went in and the whole thing was over in about 15 minutes. The judge was all smiles and eager to give all the babies Tootsie Roll pops as soon as it was over. He wanted everyone to come up for pictures afterward. It went by so quickly—like my wedding—I hardly remember anything that was said! I’m so thankful that Beth Rose took photos for us so we can look back on this day for years and show Precious as we tell her about it. Speaking of “Precious,” I think it’s time that I tell you her REAL NAME.
I’m so pleased to introduce:
Miss Alianna (“Ali”) Mae Ahlbrandt!
Here’s a portion of the letter I wrote to her on the night before her adoption:
My dear, sweet, beautiful daughter,
It’s almost midnight on August 6, 2012, the night before your adoption day. Tomorrow, our relationship is made permanent. When the gavel hits the block, that’s it: we’re forever mother and daughter. Finally! What a journey this has been! I would do it all over again. You are absolutely worth every tear, every fight, every phone call, every form we’ve filled out, every hour of classes we’ve attended, every home visit, every medical check, every hoop we’ve had to jump through—you are worth more than all of it. My precious, amazing child…Happy Adoption Day!
Love,
Mama
14 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: adoption, finalization, foster care, precious | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
This is a follow up to my post on Adoption Terminology. The language of foster care is perhaps even more inconsistent, complicated and confusing. The most important point, in my opinion, is to put the label on the adult—the foster parent, not the child. Labels can be embarrassing for a child. A kid who is already feeling out of sorts after being plopped into a whole new family, school, church, etc. really doesn’t need to feel more set apart with the big juicy label “foster child.” A child who is in foster care, living with foster parents, does not need to be called a foster child. Please! If you ignore everything else in this post, take this to heart. Again, I’m thankful we haven’t had a child old enough to really understand these terms when they’re misused. This is from my experience and opinion:
Foster Care Terms
foster care – a federally-backed state-run program for children who have been removed from their biological parents’ custody, typically due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment. The government places these children as “wards of the state” into foster homes, group homes or residential treatment centers temporarily until a permanent long-term plan is made for the child. A child in foster care is in state custody. In most cases (75%?), the goal is for the child to be returned to his/her biological parents’ custody once they have met certain requirements, such as acquiring adequate housing and job, parenting classes, drug/alcohol treatment.
reunification – the process of transitioning the child back into custody of his/her biological parents; this is the goal of foster care most of the time
foster parents – the people who volunteered to parent a child who is in foster care
resource parents – our state (Tennessee) refers to foster parents as resource parents
foster home – the home of the foster parents
orphanage – a group home where children live 24/7 with around-the-clock caretakers while they wait to be adopted. it is my understanding that these no longer exist in the United States as research has shown that children thrive more in a family and home setting with the individual attention and love from foster parents.
foster care adoption / fost-adopt / pre-adoptive home – when a child in state custody becomes legally free to adopt (biological parental rights have been terminated), the foster parents typically are the go-to option to adopt the child because ideally a healthy, loving bond has already been established. the adoption is done through the state, as opposed to a private adoption, and is very inexpensive compared to other types of adoption. In Tennessee every foster home is an approved adoptive home. In some states, additional requirements may need to be met for a home to be considered a fost-adopt or pre-adoptive home.
termination of parental rights / TPR – the process in which all legal rights of the biological parents are severed
legally free / legal risk – a child whose biological parents have already have their parental rights terminated or surrendered; this child is legally free to adopt. In Tennessee the process of TPR can take a long time and it usually unknown at the time of placement whether or not a child will be heading towards a plan of reunification with biological parents or TPR and adoption.
department of childrens services / DCS – (Tennessee) the arm of the county government that serves children in state custody; has different names in different states such as “department of family and child services / DFCS” and “department of human services / DHS”
case worker/ CW / family service worker / FSW – (Tennessee) a social worker who is assigned to take care of a specific case (case = child or sibling set); in our state, we as foster parents have a case worker who handles our home study and training and a different case worker is assigned to each child or sibling group
child protective services / CPS – I honestly don’t know enough about CPS to answer this but I know in Tennessee CPS often does the investigation and removes the child from the bio parents’ home and assists DCS in placing the child in a foster home. CPS is not always involved.
sibling group – every attempt is made to keep biological siblings together when there are healthy relationships between the children
placement – when a child is matched with foster parents, the child is placed with them; the child may be referred to as the placement or it may refer to the time when the child was placed; the time of placement.
kinship placement – when a child is placed with an extended family member while in state custody; the family member must go through the same training and receives the same benefits as foster parents, however training can be done after the time of placement rather than before placement. In Tennessee the definition of kinship is ridiculously liberal – including neighbors, teachers, godparents…basically anyone who knows of the child; but doesn’t need to have actually met or have an established relationship with the child. (Don’t get me started…)
permanency plan – (Tennessee) the goal made by the Department of Childrens Services and the juvenile court system — either to reunite the child with his/her biological family or to move toward adoption. The goal is for the child NOT to remain in foster care more than 1-2 years.
foster child/ foster kid / foster son / foster daughter / foster baby – a child who is temporarily in state custody because of abuse, neglect or abandonment from their original family; see my note above about avoiding putting a label on the child whenever possible
From my personal experience, here are three examples of how to introduce a child to family and friends, especially those who don’t know you are a foster parent and are totally confused about who the kid is…without using the term foster child or foster kid.
Usually friends will say to us, “And who is this?”
1. “This is Megan.”
2. “This is Megan. She’s living with us for a while.”
3. “This is Megan. She’s been a part of our family since April. Did you know we’re foster parents?”
Fellow foster parents, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What did I forget?
5 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: foster care, foster child, foster kid, foster parenting, state custody, terminology, terms, words | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt
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Graphic designer, MCM interior design enthusiast, wife to amazing guitarist and hard working realtor, mama—by way of foster care, adoption and biology—and follower of Jesus Christ.
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