Buried in Paperwork

02/27/2013

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OK, not really buried. See that small stack of paper work? It’s 25 or so forms that I need to fill out before the home visit with our case worker tomorrow.

(The big binder jammed full of paperwork in the background is from our training, home study and 1st year classes from almost 2 years ago.)

I’m on deadline at work with one of the three magazines I design. I have worked the past two evenings trying to get that all wrapped up. One more day…maybe two…and I’ll be able to take a good, long, deep breath.

In other words, the post I had planned to write for today didn’t happen. Tour of another room in our new home coming tomorrow. I’ll be back soon.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Kids Room: A Theme Developed

02/18/2013

When I started pulling together the bedroom for our next kids, the ones who will join us through foster care, I really didn’t have a theme in mind. I was just trying to use what we had. The woodland friends curtain was from the kids room at our last house and what prompted me to use green for the accent wall color. The bedding was also from the previous room.

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I ordered a Nashville road map from AAA because it was a way to get a large, colorful, free piece of art for the wall. I also thought it might be helpful for older kids to see where our house is in relation to where they used to live.

As I was going through our art collection one day, I decided this room would be a nice place to display our Hatch Show Print posters. (Hatch is a historic letterpress print shop in downtown Nashville that’s famous for their concert posters.) Jason wanted to throw my old acoustic guitar away but I saved it, thinking again about older kids.


As I looked around the almost completed room, I noticed a lot of music related items and considered replacing the woodland friends curtain, even though it had been my starting point. Just yesterday it hit me! The theme of the room is the one thing every kid who lives here will have in common: Nashville. Our house is not far from Hatch Show Print in downtown Nashville. We’re also close to Shelby Park so we see lots of trees, owls and squirrels here. I love when something comes together organically like that.

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(I wrote this post from my phone so please forgive me for their weird formatting and any typos.)

2 Comments | Art, Art: interior design, Art: kids room, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Good Reads

02/11/2013

These three blog posts rocked my world last week and I wanted to pass them on to you.

Look at Me When You’re Talking to Me!

You want me to look at you, even when you are very angry and I don’t want to look at you.  And you want me to wait my turn for talking, even when I have something very important to say.  So why don’t you look at me when I’m doing my very important things before you tell me to stop?  And why do you get to interrupt what I am doing without waiting until I’m done?

Written from the perspective to the child, this totally humbled me as a mama. It brought tears to my eyes as I realized how often I fail Ali by not giving her the attention and respect she deserves. The day before I read this, I had scolded Ali for demanding “Cacka! Cacka! Cacka!” from the other room. I told her she needed to say “Cracker please” in a nice tone. Then a few minutes later, I caught myself toning out her voice as I was preparing dinner. “Pease. Pease. Pease.” she was saying in the sweetest little voice as she pointed to the package of crackers. She wasn’t rude, loud or demanding…and she totally did not get my attention. Sigh.

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For the Foster/Adoptive Dad

My friend and mentor says there are only 2 emotions; fear and love.  They are intricately and inversely related.  Foster or adoptive children live out of fear, they are afraid that at the drop of a dime they will be picked up and put out of the home they are currently in.  It does not matter how old they are or how long they have been there, fear is often the primary emotion that is shaping everything and anything about these children.  … God says He is love, and thus far I believe Him.  No matter how many moments we want to respond in fear, fathers must ferociously pursue the presence of God…the presence of love.

I don’t come across a lot blogs written by foster/adoptive dads so I thought this one was pretty cool. This father discusses 3 things that he feels very foster/adoptive dad must force himself to lean into daily.

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3 Things We Forget

In most cases lying, stealing, selfishness, and the inability to empathize will surface again and again. Get ready, because they all come with the territory. All of these are symptoms of a human being who has been forced into survival mode early on in their little lives.

From the same father as the previous post, here he addresses 3 things to keep in mind when parenting “hurt” kids—behaviors that result from fighting to survive, not to expect gratitude from a child who didn’t choose this life and the long term investment beyond a kid’s 18th birthday.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

The Nest is 75% Ready

02/07/2013

75% is enough for now. Enough to call our case worker to have her come out and do a walk-through. Enough to make me feel mostly prepared.

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Bedroom for Future Foster Kids Checklist:

• assemble KURA bed
• hang curtains
• hang wall art
• add a rug
• make space in closet for clothes
• dresser
• bookshelf ?
• nightstand
• lamp
• hang book ledges
• mount guitar hook for my old acoustic
• nightlight
• make bed look comfy and inviting

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The Rest of the House Checklist:

• mount TV to the wall in the den
• cover all electrical outlets with annoying plastic caps
• lock up all of our medications and vitamins
• lock up all of our cleaning supplies
• lock up all knives
• lock up all matches and lighters
• secure rugs to the floor (so they’re not tripping hazards)
• make sure we always have bananas
• have and know how to install car seats and boosters for newborn – 8 year olds

Our den/playroom:

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5 Comments | Art, Art: new home kids room, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Guest Post: Older Child Adoption in Pop Culture

02/04/2013

A few months ago, I was asked to write a guest post for another blog. I felt quite honored and I realized I’d like to start honoring other bloggers here on my piece of the internet.

About 2 years ago, not long after I had been doing some research about domestic adoptions and the US foster care system, I discovered Krysta’s blog (Then called Proverbs 30:8, now called A Really Long Year) through a comment she left here on my blog. My misconception of what foster parents looked like (seasoned parents with older biological kids) was shattered as I clicked through post after post about her and her husband’s journey through foster care and adoption. God definitely used their story to encourage us into the decision to become foster parents and I’m thankful that Krysta was also willing to answer a lot of my questions through email and to become a “real life” long distance friend. In fact, she was one of the first people I texted when we got our first placement in July 2011! Let me introduce you to her and then she’s going to share a post with y’all:

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Krysta and Dan became foster parents in 2010. Since then they have fostered several children, adopted their two sons and welcomed a daughter by birth. Their sons joined their family at ages 3 and 4. They found out about foster care by listening to the Foster Parenting Podcast (www.fosterpodcast.com) and have shared some of their story there as well.

Older Child Adoption in Pop Culture

One of the strangest comments we ever received when we were getting ready to become foster parents was a recommendation by someone to watch the movie, Orphan. Yes, the horror movie about a nine-year old adoptee who terrorizes her new parents. The person thought it would serve as a cautionary tale for us. We never got around to watching it.

There are lots of orphans and adoptees in movies and television. I think you notice it even more when you have kids in your home who come from these types of backgrounds. Though I realize it is silly to expect an accurate representation of real life from television it is always nice when they get it (kind of) right.

For the past two seasons, I’ve been wrapped up in Julia and Joel’s attempt to adopt a child (first seeking a baby but then an older child, Victor) on the show, Parenthood. NBC didn’t do the plotline any justice by making it a short season for the show but I thought they did a decent job of showing the ups-and-downs of older child adoption. Those of us who have been there know the ups-and-downs last alot longer (and even come back when you least expect them). The victories are so sweet. The downtimes are so discouraging. Julia really struggled toward the end of the season with whether finalizing Victor’s adoption was the right thing to do – fearing for herself, her marriage, her daughter and for Victor. All these fears are totally legitimate and real.

Even though they are not real people, I wanted to send them a copy of The Connected Child. I wanted to encourage them to talk with Victor more about his biological mom and provide him with ways to stay connected with his culture and history. I wanted Julia to cut herself and Victor some slack. I’ve learned that it takes time to feel like a family. It takes time to love and be loved the way you hope for but it is possible.

Watching the season finale and Victor’s adoption finalization scene made me so reminiscent of the day back in 2011 when we promised to take care of our boys forever. Long before this day, we knew in our hearts they were ours and that we would never leave them but making it official was a beautiful thing.

Even though the Bravermans are not real, I hope families can take a cue from their behavior at the finalization. In Victor’s hearing, members of the family spoke up and affirmed him as a full member of the family. They promised to love him, tease him, teach him and include him. We know that kids who come from hard-places will seem like they are fighting against being loved. At times, it will seem impossible. It will seem like it is getting worse. There are certainly situations where extensive therapy is needed. It is not easy but it is so worth it.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Nesting

01/28/2013

Apparently I’m nesting. After getting the news that we had a February 28 deadline to reopen our home with DCS, I spent most of my free time during the weekend while Jason was out of town hanging pictures, unpacking those last few stubborn old boxes, sorting, organizing, hanging curtains…

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We also got the door lock for the hall closet and our new home phone line set up.

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I think maybe Jason is nesting too, because he’s patching up spots on the wall where we had some nicks and scratches as I’m writing this. We still need to assemble the monster KURA bed, install safety locks, cover the outlets, secure the TV to the wall in the den, rugs need to be “secured” with antislip pads…we also need to get a booster car seat, another twin mattress, night lights…Sheew! Is my list getting longer instead of shorter, or it just me?

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Taking the First Step … Again [Foster Parenting]

01/21/2013

My phone rang and when I saw DCS on the caller ID I had an adrenaline surge. Do they know? Can they call already? Is there a  kid? All of that went through my mind before I pressed answer and said hello. It was our case worker, getting back to me. I had sent her an email telling her we’d be ready to reopen our home soon and I was wondering what all we needed to do.

We’re not ready but I contacted her because I needed a nudge. Not that I’m procrastinating, but there are just so many little things we still want to do to get settled into our new house – hang more shelves in the garage, figure out storage for my work room, landscaping, bigger art, hang the art we have … we’re pacing ourselves with time and money. Before we reopen our home we need to assemble the bedroom for “the next kids,” get a home phone, lock up our medicines, cleaners, knives, a whole list of little things. When I talked to our case worker, I found out their policy changed (shocker…). Originally she told me we could be in “closed” status for 2 years without having to redo our PATH training and home study but they’ve changed it to 1 year. I’m glad I called when I did because we’re 5 weeks from the 1 year cut off. Within that time frame we just need to amend our home study, not redo everything. (Thank God!!!)

That means we might start getting calls by March 1. So, I’m kicking into nesting mode again. But it’s so different this time around. I’m not sure if I’d call it excitement… We’re going to Disney World! That would be excitement. We’re climbing Mt. Everest! That would be adrenaline. I’m getting pumped up but I know it’s not going to be fun and easy; it’s going to be difficult and likely painful. There are a lot of logistics we don’t know and it’s impossible to plan for at this point… like how are we going to manage childcare for another kid (or 2?) during work hours. I don’t know. How is Ali going to respond. I have no idea. What are we getting ourselves into. Don’t ask me.

One thing I do know: we’re supposed to do this. God has called us to be foster parents and we will say yes. Again.

From experience, I can say with confidence that He will not lead us into something and then abandon us. He will equip us as we go and bring light to each step, one at a time. Here we go again!

Here’s my pictorial to do list.

This bed needs to be assembled, curtain hung, art hung, etc.:

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I wish we could use this phone:

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This drawer needs a child lock:

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This closet (where we keep our cleaners and medicines) needs a locking door handle:

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We loathe these things… and need to cover about 5,000 more outlets:

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The dept. is not going to like this:

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Or this:

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Adoption News: The Adoption Tax Credit is now Permanent

01/10/2013

Did you hear that the Adoption Tax Credit became a permanent part of the tax code on January 2? Up until now it’s been temporary and was set to expire in 2012.

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(Disclaimer: I’m explaining this to the best of my knowledge. I might be mistaken about somethings. Check with a CPA before filing your taxes. Also, I’m not sure if this information has officially been released as documentation from the federal government for 2013 and beyond.) The Adoption Tax Credit is a non-refundable $10,000 (adjusted annually for inflation…estimated to be $12,077 for 2013) credit applied to the year the adoption is finalized. It’s non-refundable which means you won’t get back more money than your annual tax rate and you have to have documentation to prove all of your adoption related expenses.

Example 1: Adoption costs $18,000
Couple’s annual tax rate is $15,000
Maximum amount of the tax credit – $12,077 is subtracted from their tax rate
Taxes owed: $2,923

Because their tax rate and their adoption expenses are more than the maximum credit, they get the full amount of the tax credit

Example 2: Adoption costs $40,000
Couple’s annual tax rate is $8,000
The maximum amount credited for their adoption is $8000
Taxes owed: 0

Even though their adoption cost more than the maximum credit, they can only get credited up to what they owe in taxes that year.

Example 3: Adoption costs: $5,000
Couple’s annual tax rate is $12,000
The maximum amount credited for their adoption is $5,000
Taxes owed: $7,000

Because their tax rate is higher than the cost of the adoption and the adoption is less than the maximum credit, they get all of their adoption expenses credited.

These numbers are all made up but I think it helps to see how it plays out with various scenarios. We fall into the third category. (Again, numbers made up for this example.) Ali’s adoption, finalized in 2012, cost less than the tax credit and is also less than our tax rate. It’ll still save us some money on our taxes this year which is nice.

Special needs (including some “hard to place”) adoptions are in a different class. They receive a refundable flat rate tax credit of some amount (I don’t know if it’s been released yet). That means families who adoption a special needs child get that amount of money back in the year of the finalization regardless of what the adoption cost and regardless of what their tax rate is. To that I say – Kudos. We need more people to adopt, ESPECIALLY special kids. And the financial and emotional strains on a family with a special needs child are typically much higher.

Photo above is from Alianna’s adoption day taken by Beth Rose Photography.

This is a good article and where I got most of my information.

 

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Posted by mahlbrandt

A Year Ago

01/03/2013

At the end of December 2011, just a few days before Christmas, Jason, Ali and I celebrated the new property we had just purchased.

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Earlier that day, we were at the juvenile courthouse accepting Ali’s birth mom’s surrender of her parental rights to us. We took the photo below afterward while we waited for some paperwork. It’s a dark and crappy picture and it’s a bittersweet reality, too. We were thankful she was willing to do it because it made our process to adopt Ali smoother, but it was also very painful for her. She’s a tough woman but she couldn’t hide her tears as the judge asked her if she was absolutely sure this is what she wanted to do. She was positive it was the best thing for Ali. But it was like watching a chunk of her heart get torn out before our eyes. I wanted to give her a big hug afterward, to thank her again, but she ran out quickly when her part was over and I haven’t seen her since then.

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She had my phone number and sent a text a few days after Christmas last year but that was the last I’ve heard from her. Apparently she lost her phone at some point. I’m thankful that we’ve been able to maintain some communication with some of Ali’s other biological family members but it pains me that we’ve lost contact with her first mom. I’m thankful for the time we did get to spend with her and for the pictures we have.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since all of that happened. Perhaps because we were living in transition for 10 months between homes, it feels like it was just a short time ago. When I look back at that chubby little baby with slick, straight hair and barely able to sit up on her own, it feels like it was so long ago! She’s changed tremendously since then. I wish I could let her first mom see how much she’s grown and how she’s running all around and talking up a storm. I wish she could see her outgoing personality and her toughness (which I’m sure Ali inherited from her). I wish I could hug her and thank her again for giving us her blessing to raise this beautiful little girl that she birthed.

2 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

It’s Easier to Say No

01/02/2013

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Things are good here in our little family. They’re not perfect, not necessarily easy—I mean, we do have a toddler who is testing the limits of her independence and the sincerity of our words everyday—but things are good. Really good. We love our daughter to the moon and back. We have a good rhythm and rhyme, the three of us. Any gut-level desires to parent a child have been satisfied by our dear girl. We could be done adding to our family. It would be easy.

As I consider taking the plunge into foster parenting again, it feels completely differently this time. Last time it was just Jason and me. Why not? we reasoned. We didn’t have a good reason to say no.

This time around we have our precious little one to consider. Her safety. Her feelings. Her parental attention. It would be so easy to say no this time. No, we can’t bring strangers, little aliens, into our home again. This time we could use our daughter as an excuse. We would be justified. We have our daughter to look out for and those other kids are not our problem.

As I rocked my daughter last night, I looked down at her sweet little face and deep, brown eyes and told her for the millionth time how much I love her, what a wonderful gift she is, how special she is and how thankful I am to be her Mommy. And then I remembered… It would have been easy to say no to her call, too. It would have been easier to go on as just the two of us, me and Jason, and never have to step out into the dark unknown of foster parenting.

We could have said no and we would have missed out one of the greatest blessings in our lives.

Our home is not physically ready for us to reopen as foster parents. The “next kids” room is not assembled yet and we still need some safety locks installed in the kitchen and medical/cleaning products closet. But mentally I’m getting ready to say YES.

3 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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