What’s in a Name?

09/04/2012

Sometime before Jason and I became foster parents—when we were still assuming we’d have kids the usual way—we decided that we’d name our first daughter Anna. I’m a name lover. I’ve been keeping lists of favorite names for as long as I can remember and it was on my list. Anna means gracious.

My dad’s mother’s name was Anna Maria. She was a lovely Swedish woman, kind, gentle, generous, encouraging. She also had a sweet tooth that led her to hide Nilla wafers in her bedroom, even after she had diabetes and was not allowed to have sweets. She was spunky like that. I can understand because I’m a lot like her. When she was younger, she decided she wanted her name to sound more America so she went by Ann Marie. I’ve always loved the name Anna, though.

Jason’s dad’s mom is named Anna Mae. She’s the last remaining grandparent between the both of us. Sadly, we don’t see her very often because we live so far away. I don’t know her well but she seems like a lovely woman, too. Jason’s grandfather often called her by her first and middle name together so Jason was particularly fond of also using Mae. Mae doesn’t really mean anything other than the month of May, but a friend told me it means beautiful in Mandarin Chinese (with different spelling). I haven’t confirmed it but it works for me.

Anna Mae. 

Gracious Beautiful.

Jump ahead. We accepted that as foster parents, we probably won’t be renaming our kids unless the circumstances are right. Then, much to our surprise we were placed with a 2-month-old and learned quickly that we’d be adopting her. We could have changed her name to anything we wanted and it would not have been much of a transition for her. But as it turned out, we really liked her original first name. (I’m purposely not stating it here.)  Before we filed her adoption paperwork we milled around many different possibilities of how we could modify her name without totally changing it. I wrote out our top choices on the chalkboard door of her bedroom. Seeing them scratched out there, the solution was obvious.

Alianna Mae.

We took the first part of her original name and added our favorite name behind it. We had gotten used to calling her Ali for short and didn’t want to completely replace her first name. As a nice surprise, Mae not only sends a nod towards my name, it also honor’s Ali’s birth mom’s name. I cannot think of a more perfect name for our beautiful daughter, a gracious gift from God.

(Cross stitch art above was made by my mother-in-law, Grandma K, as an adoption day gift.)

1 Comment | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Who is Next?

08/28/2012

Our journey to Ali’s adoption finalization was like a roller coaster that ended with one long, long down hill coast. The timeline looks like this:

7/20/11 – Ali was born

9/21/11 – Ali was placed with us through foster care

11/4/11 – We were told they were taking her away from us in 2 weeks, moving her to a stranger

11/15/11 – She was put into our custody so we could adopt her

12/21/11 – Her first mom surrendered her parental rights to us

1/12 – our home study and adoption papers were filed at the courthouse

waiting…waiting…waiting…

8/6/12 – found out about our adoption hearing (less than 24 hours notice!)

8/7/12 – biological father TPR default and Adoption Day!

I have to admit, just one day after the crazy roller coaster ride ended, I started thinking… what’s next? More specifically, who is next? I’m ready to adopt again. Baby fever? No, not necessarily a baby—actually a baby might be my last choice if I have any say in it. I’m thinking about an older child next time.

Adoption fever. I think I have adoption fever.

Or I’m completely off my rocker. Or both. Thank God for a forced hiatus while our house is being built. And a husband with some good sense. Somedays if feels like my heart is completely dominating over my brain.

5 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Thank You

08/14/2012

I have said thank you innumerable times the past week and yet it doesn’t feel like enough. So many wonderful family members, friends, church members and co-workers have come around us this week to celebrate Ali’s adoption day with hugs, balloons, gifts, cards and encouraging words. Tthey’ve been cheering us on for the past 11 months. I’d be remiss to not also thank YOU: my blog readers.

I know a lot of you consider yourselves “lurkers” because you read but don’t comment. And that’s perfectly OK. I’m posting my thoughts all over the web and you’re welcome to hang out here—I’m honored that you even read what I write! Many of you do comment and I’m always delighted to see feedback from the handful of “regulars.” I’m thankful for those who have read along with our foster/adoption story, cared about us, supported us, prayed for us and celebrated with us.

 

From the bottom of my heart, Thank You! I wish I could send you all a card!

4 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Adoption Day!

08/13/2012

Last week did not go at all like I had planned and I’m so glad! Every two months I have 2-3 super busy deadline weeks at work (then 5-6 normal weeks). Knowing last week would be one of those slammin’ busy weeks, I scheduled all my daily blog posts in advance. I like to plan ahead so things operate smoothly. Ahem…

Mid-Monday morning our attorney called with the news we’d been waiting to hear since January. We were finally on the docket for Precious’ adoption finalization—ON TUESDAY! Less than 24 hours notice meant a barrage of texts, emails and phone calls to notify my boss, my co-workers, our family and friends, Jason. Not in that order. I tried Jason first but he was in the air on his way home from Canada. I had planned on having a big adoption party/open house the day of the adoption but it was just too short of notice. I had planned to hire a photographer to go with us to the courthouse but there wasn’t enough time…or so I thought. My awesome photographer friend Beth Rose and her husband Josh were able to pull some strings so that she could be there with us to document the big day.

Monday I was an emotional wreck as I tried to pack in a 12-hour work day to make up for missing work Tuesday. When I finally shut off the computer at 11:00pm, I started to really mentally prepare for adoption day. I wrote Precious a letter. I wrote out the lyrics to a song that was so important to me early on in her time with us. I wrote her a card to go with her adoption day gift. I tucked a $20 bill in the card that had been a meaningful token of God’s provision for us through her adoption. We found it in the parking lot of the courthouse the day we got custody and found out we’d have to come up with money for a private adoption—I no longer need it. I cried as I reflected on this wonderful, miraculous journey. The tears were a release of the last little bits of fear that I had been suppressing, fears that something would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t get finalized. We had finally arrived!

The actual adoption was a blur. We arrived at the courthouse at 9am Monday morning—Jason, me, my parents, his mom, our friends Leila and Jeremy, their boy Jaron. Waiting for us there was our photographer Beth Rose with her daughter, our sister-in-law Ginger, our niece Eliza, and our attorney Jennifer. We were the second hearing on the docket.

I don’t know the exact time but somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 we went in and the whole thing was over in about 15 minutes. The judge was all smiles and eager to give all the babies Tootsie Roll pops as soon as it was over. He wanted everyone to come up for pictures afterward. It went by so quickly—like my wedding—I hardly remember anything that was said! I’m so thankful that Beth Rose took photos for us so we can look back on this day for years and show Precious as we tell her about it. Speaking of “Precious,” I think it’s time that I tell you her REAL NAME.

I’m so pleased to introduce:

Miss Alianna (“Ali”) Mae Ahlbrandt!

Here’s a portion of the letter I wrote to her on the night before her adoption:

My dear, sweet, beautiful daughter,

It’s almost midnight on August 6, 2012, the night before your adoption day. Tomorrow, our relationship is made permanent. When the gavel hits the block, that’s it: we’re forever mother and daughter. Finally! What a journey this has been! I would do it all over again. You are absolutely worth every tear, every fight, every phone call, every form we’ve filled out, every hour of classes we’ve attended, every home visit, every medical check, every hoop we’ve had to jump through—you are worth more than all of it. My precious, amazing child…Happy Adoption Day!

Love,
Mama

14 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Adoption Terminology

08/07/2012

Adoption has it’s own language. There are labels and terms for key players that are important for explaining who is who in the process. Adoptive families can be offended or insulted when the wrong terms are used, so its valuable to understand these labels if you have someone in your life who is affected by adoption. There are from my experience and opinion so take it for what’s worth:

Adoption Terms
mom/mother – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption/placement onward

adoptive mom – the child’s mom, from the point of adoption onward (no need to use the distinction “adoptive” unless you’re talking about the biological mom also and there is a need to clarify who is who)

birth mom / bio mom / bmom / natural mom – the woman who carried the child in utero and gave birth to the child

real mom – both the adoptive mom and the birth mom are real moms

(apply the same rules for dad/father, adoptive dad, birth dad / bio dad / bdad / natural dad, etc.)

child – a person who is not an adult yet

child who is adopted – no such thing; it’s like saying a “child who is born”; the tenses don’t match

child who was adopted – child who was adopted (this label only needs mentioned when it’s truly relevant), it’s past tense

adopted child – there is no need to introduce a child as an “adopted child”; just a child. don’t single out the child who was adopted. it’s like saying “this is my C-section child” and “this is my vaginal birth child.”

forever family – the child’s family, from the point of adoption/placement onward

biological family – the people who share the child’s biology

sisters and brothers / siblings – children raised by the same forever parents

Jason and I really try not to be offended when someones calls one of us or one of Precious’ family members the wrong term. It’s rarely, if ever, done maliciously and usually a gentle eduction or reminder about the right terms is all that’s needed. When I hear someone say “Precious’ mom” I automatically assume the person is talking about me. I’m Precious’s mom today, yesterday, tomorrow, everyday since September 21, 2011 until eternity. I am Precious’ mom. When someone refers Precious’ birth mom as “Precious’ mom,” it catches me off guard more than it offends me. And, it makes me thankful that Precious doesn’t understand the implications of that yet, because it could be really confusing to her. She calls me mama. She knows me as her mom. We want her to know about her birth mom but I want her to be confident that I am and always will be her mom.

Jason and I have been careful to refer to Precious’ biological half-siblings as her biological half-siblings, because that’s what they are. I realize it is much easier to just say “sister” or “brother,” but we’re making that distinction from the beginning knowing that it’s likely we’ll have other children someday. Those other children will be Precious’ sisters and brothers, the kids she shares parents with, grows up with, spends her days and evenings with, fights for the bathroom with, celebrates birthdays and holidays with, goes on family vacations with, etc. When we’re with her biological half-siblings, I don’t mind calling them sisters and brothers but I want to help her understand, as she gets older, the difference between people who share your biology and people who share your parents.

We talk openly with Precious about her adoption. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I hope she’ll be proud of her story. She’s not old enough to dialogue about it yet but we practice telling her all about her adoption so it’s a normal part of our lives and something she’ll come to understand more and more as she gets older.

If you’d like to read more on the topic of adoption terms and how it can negatively affect a child when the wrong terms are used, check out this post by Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan: parents, please educate your kids about adoption so mine don’t have to

I’ll be back tomorrow with Foster Care Terminology.

7 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

A Year of Foster Parenting… Sort of

08/02/2012

Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first placement, dubbed Ladybug here. I thought about her a lot the past week. I pray that she’s doing well. No news is good news, I suppose. If you’ve been reading here long, you probably know that while we still consider ourselves foster parents, our home is in closed status while we’re temporarily living with my parents and building a new home. Technically we haven’t had a child in foster care with us since November when Precious was moved into our legal guardianship. Specifics aside, we’ve been parents for a year now. July 28, 2011 is one of those dates that will be permanently etched in my memory. Ladybug holds a very special place in my heart. She was the first child ever to call me mama.

We started our our day with a get together of old and new friends who are all touched by adoption or foster care one way or another. I call it a community group: people on similar life journeys hanging out with no agenda but to support and encourage each other. If nothing else, it’s a place where people don’t ask dumb questions or use wrong terminology about adoption. There was one brand new foster mama there with her 10 year old first placement. There was a couple and their daughter adopted from Ethiopia 2.5 years ago. There was a woman with her one year old who was an unexpected domestic infant adoption. And there were several friends who are waiting for domestic infant adoption matches. An eclectic mix with a common thread.

From there, we spent the afternoon with some of Precious’ biological family. I have so much going through my mind since then but little of it seems appropriate to share here. Maybe writing will help me sort out my thoughts … Precious has 4 older biological half-siblings, living in 3 different homes. It was great to get them all under one roof, to see them all loving each other so well and getting along great. They’re all just as beautiful as Precious, if you can believe that. I got a few photos of the five together but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to share here.

With foster care, there is not really such thing as “open adoption.” All adoptions are closed for reasons you can imagine. But at the same time, unless a foster parent is really determined to avoid the biological family all together—or if the bio family is gone—they’re going to meet or at least know each others’ names. This was scary to me at first. Partly for Precious’ safety and emotional health, but also for selfish reason: I don’t want to make things more complicated. (Ha!) I’m finally starting to understand the sentiment I’ve often heard in regards to open adoption: a child can never have too many people who love and care about her. Seeing how excited Precious’ bio family was to see her and how they couldn’t wait to shower her with hugs and kisses confirms the value of maintaining those connections when it’s possible and beneficial.

I’ve written before about how valuable it turned out to be to have some visits with Precious’ birth mom, because not only did she show us how much she loves her, she told us and also generously affirmed us as her parents. It was so beneficial, even though it was uncomfortable. As Precious gets older, we’ll be able to give her a say in how much contact she wants to maintain with her biological family, as well as gauging how it affects her to see them. It’s so hard to know what to do but we want to keep the doors open. Anyone out there have experience with open adoptions have some insight to share?

(Story behind the pink daises here.)

2 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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