Joy and Sorrow and Heart Transplants

09/26/2013

 The anniversary of Ali joining our family and some recent news I got about her biological mother has stirred up a lot of sadness in me. I’m keenly aware that Alianna is my daughter because she was taken from another mother. September 21, 2011—day that I look back to and reflect on with joy and gratitude is a day that another woman’s heart was deeply wounded…not for the first time and not for the last time. I cry for her because I know what she is missing out on and I can’t imagine the pain of loss after loss.

It seems to be hard for others “on the outside” to understand why I have such sadness about this. Yes, she made mistakes and losing her child(ren) was a consequence. Yes, she released her to us and gave us her blessing. Yes, life is good for us and Ali doesn’t exhibit any signs of trauma or loss. But this woman who I barely know will forever be important to me and honored as such. We have a unique bond as two mothers to the same little girl. She carried for nine months, gave birth to, loved and did her best to care for my daughter for the first two months of her life. That’s a reality that will never be erased or replaced by adoption. Ali had a mom before me—her first mom—and I love and bless her for the gifts she gave to Ali of life, love, beauty.

The best analogy I can conjure for how this feels is to imagine a heart transplant. In the movie Return to Me, the main character Grace is painfully aware that she received a new heart because another woman died. She and her family gained because another family lost. That’s how it goes with adoption. Most of our family and friends only see the benefit to us but we also see the damage done to her original family. So, it is with heavy hearts that we celebrated this past weekend. Saturday we celebrated being a family but Sunday we spent time talking about Ali’s first mom, reflecting on events of the past two years and praying for her.

(Face covered and identity concealed for her privacy.)

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The first picture I have of me with Ali:

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I felt a little funny about this “mommy adores me” shirt that came to our home with Ali until I realized how much her biological mommy AND I (her foster mommy at the time) both adored her. She was the most content and happy baby I’ve ever seen.

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I doubt that Ali’s first mom will ever see this post but just in case you do read this one day:

We will never forget about you. We will include you when we tell Ali the story of how she became part of our family and we will show her photos of you. We always speak about you with respect and dignity. We won’t lie to Ali about the realities of you and her and the part of your lives that was spent together and when she’s ready and old enough to understand we will answer every question we’re able to answer. We think about you and pray for you all the time. We love you.

5 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Second Familiversary – Two Years Together

09/24/2013

It feels almost like Ali has three birthdays and they’re all within two months of each other. In July she turned two, in August we celebrated one year since her adoption finalization and on Saturday we celebrated our “familiversary” or family day – the second anniversary of the day she joined our family. At that time it was through foster care and we had no idea that she would eventually be part of our family forever. She has been an amazing blessing and has brought me so much joy as a mother. God’s plans are so much better than anything I could have come up with on my own. She stuck her tongue out a lot as a baby (and consequently drooled a lot). She was dealt a pretty bad hand as a newborn but I guess she was showing what she thought about that…

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Thankfully, Jason got home on Saturday so we could celebrate our family day all together. We asked Ali what she wanted to do to and she gave us the same answer she almost always gives: Chuy’s! I’m not sure why she loves Chuy’s so much. She pretty much just eats the chips and beans. Maybe it the rainbow sherbet push up the server always gives her for dessert.

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On the way home from dinner our picture perfect family day celebration started to crumble. We’ve been trying to teach Ali to stop taking her shoes off every time we get in the car (a habit learned after our two recent road trips.) She wasn’t listening so I climbed into the backseat so I could address her correctly and attempt to reverse the behavior. She wasn’t having it. In fact, the more anger and frustrated I got, the more she just laughed and laughed. I was losing my temper and the only consequence I could come up with for her defiance was to not allow her to have pie for dessert when we got home but to go straight to bath and bed. I had made the peanut butter pie  especially to celebrate our familiversary and Jason’s birthday, and I had specifically planned to have her blow out candles on it since she’s been recently obsessed with the birthday song and blowing out “crandows.” I gave up on the shoe battle and got back in my seat. When we got home, I stuck to my guns and took her straight to her bath. She was still as happy as could be. It was me who was having a problem. I looked at my beautiful, joyful daughter and released that I was allowing our family’s enemy to steal the finalé away from our family day. I quickly changed my mind about my consequence and asked her to forgive me for losing my temper. She’s always quick to forgive.

I dressed her in her “daddy’s little girl” pjs—my favorite. Ali almost didn’t grow up with a daddy, twice. But now she has a great daddy, a daddy who fought for her and continues to fight for her everyday. Her birth mom told us she hoped that Ali would be a daddy’s girl and she is—they have a very special bond. When Jason’s not on the road his schedule is very flexible. From the time Ali came home she was his sidekick, hanging out with him in his studio during recording and practice sessions, going with him to the bank, lunch, coffee shop. Despite him being a touring musician, he gets to spend a lot more time with her than most parents who work away from home M-F/9-5. It’s truly a blessing! I love seeing their father-daughter relationship growing and changing as she gets older.

Clean from her bath and cozy in her pjs, we celebrated our familiversary, singing, “Happy family to me!” and Ali blew out 2 candles for our 2 years together. Then we sang “Happy birthday to Daddy” and he blew out candles for his 31st birthday which was last Monday while he was away. I’m so thankful for my little family and excited to discover what lies ahead for us in the next year.

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6 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Alianna at 2 years 1 month old

08/26/2013

Ali Mae, you have grown and changed so much in the past month! You’re back to being an only child again after 3 months as a foster sister to Buzz. Right after that transition happened, I started working my way down my to do list (things to accomplish while we don’t have any foster placements in the home) which included some big changes for you. I turned your crib into a bed. I’m currently second-guessing that decision and we may go back for a while… You became potty trained for the most part, though we still have to remind you. The concepts of wet/dry have been learned pretty well. You started preschool two days a week and you are loving it! Every time we pick you up you’re having a blast dancing with your classmates and you say “I love you!” to your teachers when we leave. You’ve been talking more and more lately, often in sentences and starting to say some really funny things. Sometimes you get the order of the words mixed up, for example “I want cookie too Ali.” You have learned all of your colors (thank you Preschool Prep!) and are currently working on numbers and letters. There is no rush, of course. You have plenty of time before you need to have those things mastered. Because I’m a designer and Daddy’s a musician, we get particularly excited when we see you interested in art and music. We recently walked around the Parthenon replica at Centennial Park and when we walked up the back steps you looked up and said, “Deautiful.” You repeated it several times. That’s the first either of us have ever heard you describe a place or sight as beautiful. A couple days later we went into West Elm and your interior design loving parents were again amazed to hear you say it as you took in the atmosphere of the store. Music is also a big part of your day. Every time we get in the van you say, “music please” … repeatedly until we respond. At night you request “daddy’s music” on your CD player and often turn it on by yourself. Daddy set up a keyboard for you in the playroom which you love to play with and refer to as the “pino,” like pinot. We often catch you singing ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle and other simple songs all on your own, as well as singing along with the radio and CDs in the car. I love that your imagination seems to be growing and getting more creative while you play, too. You’ve always been a content and happy child mixed with a good amount of drama and passion. Lately your emotions have sometimes come bursting out so quickly that I think it’s catching even you off guard. We’re trying hard to be patient with you while encouraging you to develop self-control and regulation.

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Speaking of beautiful, happy and dramatic… we recently had dinner with two of your biological siblings and their mom. You three have a lot in common! You had fun dancing to music together and dressing up with accessories and generally just having a silly, wild time together after dinner. It had been around a year since we’ve seen them last (a crazy busy year for our family) but we plan to get together much more frequently in the future, now that all three of you are finally old enough to really play together.

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The other day while you were picking out your shoes, you said, “awesome.” I told you that I think you’re awesome. You responded, “Daddy’s awesome too, Mama.” I agreed and asked if you thought I was too. “Mommy’s awesome, too. Ali’s awesome, too.” I love you so much, Aligator. I think know being a mom would be so much fun. You make it way better than I ever imagined. You really are awesome, kid. I’m blessed to get to be your mom.

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1 Comment | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Extended Family and Friends, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Happy Adoption Day!

08/07/2013

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One year ago today this precious little girl became an Ahlbrandt. She is a blessing!

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Wow, one year feels like a long, long time ago!

2 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Three Little Words

07/18/2013

Have all my fellow foster parent friends read this? I think it should be required reading. It is a memoir by a young woman who was in foster care from ages 3-12 until she was adopted. She lived through some horrific foster homes and has become a voice and advocate for foster kids. Rocked my world. I finished this in 2 days while we were on vacation.

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I borrowed a copy from the library but you can buy it online here.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Two Long, Simultaneous Processes … Complete.

05/02/2013

It’s no coincidence that we started the process of building a new home and adopting Alianna at the same time. She arrived at our lovely little ranch home in September 2011 and we learned pretty quickly that she was going to need to be adopted. Although we anticipated we’d be fostering for a while before adopting any child, we were thrilled to move in that direction with the precious little girl we rapidly fell in love with.

But, we still hoped and planned to continue fostering kids who need a home and substitute parents for short or long term and we realized we were going to be limited on bedroom space and options for kids. We would have only been able to accept a placement of a girl who could share a small bedroom with Ali. So that’s why we began the process of moving to a bigger home. Originally we were going to buy an old fixer-upper so we could stay in our already established, historic neighborhood. When a rare piece of property came available (due to a house fire and then demolition of the previous home), my dad convinced us to consider building a custom house. The land was 7 houses down from my parents’.

We put an offer on the property before knowing for sure that we’d be adopting Ali. In November 2011, we got custody of Ali (through a dramatic turn of events that you’re well familiar with if you’ve been around here long), purchased the property for our future home, put our current hom on the market and started talking to architect Ryan Thewes to plan our new house. Eighteen months later both processes finally wrapped up. How about that?! If you’re a nerd for dates and timelines, here’s a breakdown of both of these processes that ended up running side by side.

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I feel an unexpected amount of closure. Two major, life-changing process have just completely wrapped up.

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Now what? Seems like time to start a new adventure…

1 Comment | Art, Art: new home build, Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

A Gut-Wrenching Adoption Story

04/08/2013

I love to cry over a good adoption story. What can I say. I get adoption and it gets me. Every time. So I was thrilled to discover the Archibald Project. It’s produced by a couple that documents families’ adoption stories with video and photography. Great quality photos and videos to go along with great adoption stories? I’m there. One story in particular has really been wrecking me lately.

The Via family.

When I started watching their documentary, it sounded like many other adoption stories. They felt called to adoption and decided to add to their family of 5 by adopting a fourth child from Uganda. They were matched with a precious little girl named Chloe. But then their story takes an unusual twist.

Check out the video for yourself. You won’t be sorry.

Through a turn of events that I don’t know enough about to explain, the US government repeatedly denied Chloe access to come home to her new family in the United States. What would you do if your child was stranded somewhere…halfway across the world? To what great lengths would you go to get her, to bring her home? How hard would you fight? What would you be willing to sacrifice, to give up in order to have your whole family together?

The Vias were forced to ask themselves that question.

Their resolution: If they could not bring Chloe home, they would bring home to Chloe. They decided to pack up their lives in Raleigh, NC and move their family of 5 to Uganda so they could finally be together as a family of 6. Read their story and see lots of photos here.

This is the most beautiful picture of adoption I have ever seen. It blows all of the ill-minded pre-conceived notions about adoption out of the water. This was not about a family who just wanted a baby or a child. It was not about achieving a goal. It was not about a token piece for their family or making a statement about international adoption or transracial families. There was not one once of selfish motive. It was all about this: there once was a little girl who didn’t have a family. But she is an orphan no-more.

The Vias made it to Uganda and were united with Chloe. Go here to see the pictures of their airport send off, their travels across the globe and the beautiful moments their family of six was finally all together. 

Oooh! And just posted: Adjusting to life in Jinja, Uganda.

(In case it’s not obvious, the video below is an advertisement. Click on the links above to watch and read this adoption story at The Archibald Project website.)

3 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Adoption | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

God Bless This Home

04/04/2013

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I had a blog post written that I was going to post on Monday about how the processes of Ali’s adoption and building our new house had been occurring simultaneously since November 2011 and both got completely wrapped up last week when we received our daughter’s new birth certificate in the mail AND closed out our construction loan and began our conventional mortgage. BUT. The latter ended up not happening for a million frustrating reasons. It’s not going to happen this week or probably next week, either. It’s been a busy, stressful week around here and I’ve had moments of wanting to pull my hair out.

I needed to stop and remind myself of the truth. 

We live in this beautiful home—a blessing we never expected to experience at this point of our lives. God has given us favor over and over again in this process, just as He did with Ali’s adoption and back when she was in state care. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He never gives us more than we can handle. We have so much to be thankful for. In addition to our beautiful girl and our home, Jason and I have a great relationship, we have wonderful family and friends, we have jobs that we love, we have a kitchen full of food and closets full of clothes. We have more than enough; overflow to share. We are abundantly blessed.

We haven’t received any calls from DCS regarding foster placements yet. I’m surprised. Also, I’m relieved. Mainly because of the mortgage stuff. Also because of some upcoming travel. Even if we did get a placement, I’m sure we could overcome those challenges with a new temporary family member along for the adventure. It’s comforting to know that God’s timing is always perfect.

1 Comment | Art, Art: new home build, Faith, Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Me | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

“Did you have a baby?”

04/02/2013

Kids are honest. I love how they just ask whatever they’re thinking about without any hang-ups. This conversation happened with my friends’ 3 year old son last year while we were visiting them. I wrote it down at the time but haven’t shared it until now.

Ben: Did you have a baby?

Me: Alianna is our baby. We have her.

Ben: Was Alianna in your belly?

Me, thinking: How the heck am I going to explain this to a three-year-old?

Me: No, she was in a different woman’s belly. She had a different mommy before she came to live with us.

That was the end of the conversation but I brought it up again later when his parents were present so they could help explain it to him. Ben has two younger siblings, the youngest was just a month old at the time so he understands that babies are in mommies’ bellies before they’re born.

A while back I also had a conversation with friends’ daughter who I think was about 7 at the time.

Ruby, admiring baby Alianna: Maybe one day you’ll have a baby of your own, too!

Me: Well, you know what? If we get to adopt Alianna, then she’ll be our own. She’ll stay with us and be part of our family forever.

Ruby: Big, delighted smile. Yeah!

It’s kind of amazing how a simple, honest answer satisfies a simple, honest question, isn’t it?

Have any of you other foster or adoptive parents had interesting conversations with kids about the process? Foster care seems particularly difficult to explain sometimes (without getting in too deep about abuse or kids getting taken away from their parents) but I haven’t had any negative experiences trying to explain the basics. What about you?

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Related post:

Foster Care Terminology

9 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Extended Family and Friends | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Why?

03/11/2013

I keep asking myself why? Why are we doing this? Stacks and stacks of paper work. Vigorous home inspections. Fingerprinting. Background checks. Physicals. Classes. Appointments. Poking. Prodding. Drama. Purchases in the name of home safety. Sacrificing all privacy. All to be foster parents. Really, when I’m asking, I’m asking God. Why? And He’s kind enough to answer me sometimes. When I’m willing to hear, this is the answer: Listen and obey.

It’s a funny answer because that’s what I tell Ali when she’s doing or about to do something disobedient. At first I may warn her playfully that we don’t stand on furniture but as she teeters near the edge of the sofa, my tone gets serious. “Ali, listen and obey! Sit down!” So when He said listen and obey, He got my attention. I know Father means business.

After another day of feeling knocked around, while I was getting ready this morning I asked the same dumb question again. Why are we doing this?! It wasn’t the same kind of loud and clear answer as before, but I had the immediate realization that they are worth it. These kids are worth it. Ladybug was worth it. Our Precious Ali was worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it was about my daughter. All the paperwork, time and prodding from the first time around … looking at those sweet faces, especially the one I still get to kiss everyday, remind me that these innocent kids are so worth my plight.

My plight? And here’s where I gave myself a real (much-needed) kick in the pants: Seriously?! Do you want to tell a kid who has been emotionally and physically abused by the adults who are supposed to protect him, who has been taken away from the only people he’s ever loved, who has been bounced around from stranger’s home to stranger’s home with his few belongings in a trash bag, who is way behind in school because he keeps getting moved around, who doesn’t know how to express himself because his emotions are all mixed up…do you want to tell HIM about your plight? About all this dreadful paperwork you’ve filled out and how much time all these processes and appointments consume. Do you want to tell HIM how hard your life is? How hard you had to work to get to where you are? Good grief, woman! Where is your perspective!

We’re in it for the kids.

Jason and I remind each other of this often. When we’re taking things personally. When we’re feeling unappreciated and unwanted by the system. When we get frustrated.

I’m amazed that I can still be so selfish after all this time; after all we have learned.

Thank God that everyday I get to snuggle a beautiful reminder of why we are doing this. Even though it’s hard, each and every child is worth it.

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In high school, when I had something I wanted to remember, I would write it on the palm of my head…where I’d see it for a while and then it would eventually wash off, hopefully when I didn’t need the reminder anymore. These days I use my smart phone for notes-to-self but when I thought, where can I put the answer to this why question I keep having?, this is what I came up with.

6 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Me | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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