What’s in a Name?

09/04/2012

Sometime before Jason and I became foster parents—when we were still assuming we’d have kids the usual way—we decided that we’d name our first daughter Anna. I’m a name lover. I’ve been keeping lists of favorite names for as long as I can remember and it was on my list. Anna means gracious.

My dad’s mother’s name was Anna Maria. She was a lovely Swedish woman, kind, gentle, generous, encouraging. She also had a sweet tooth that led her to hide Nilla wafers in her bedroom, even after she had diabetes and was not allowed to have sweets. She was spunky like that. I can understand because I’m a lot like her. When she was younger, she decided she wanted her name to sound more America so she went by Ann Marie. I’ve always loved the name Anna, though.

Jason’s dad’s mom is named Anna Mae. She’s the last remaining grandparent between the both of us. Sadly, we don’t see her very often because we live so far away. I don’t know her well but she seems like a lovely woman, too. Jason’s grandfather often called her by her first and middle name together so Jason was particularly fond of also using Mae. Mae doesn’t really mean anything other than the month of May, but a friend told me it means beautiful in Mandarin Chinese (with different spelling). I haven’t confirmed it but it works for me.

Anna Mae. 

Gracious Beautiful.

Jump ahead. We accepted that as foster parents, we probably won’t be renaming our kids unless the circumstances are right. Then, much to our surprise we were placed with a 2-month-old and learned quickly that we’d be adopting her. We could have changed her name to anything we wanted and it would not have been much of a transition for her. But as it turned out, we really liked her original first name. (I’m purposely not stating it here.)  Before we filed her adoption paperwork we milled around many different possibilities of how we could modify her name without totally changing it. I wrote out our top choices on the chalkboard door of her bedroom. Seeing them scratched out there, the solution was obvious.

Alianna Mae.

We took the first part of her original name and added our favorite name behind it. We had gotten used to calling her Ali for short and didn’t want to completely replace her first name. As a nice surprise, Mae not only sends a nod towards my name, it also honor’s Ali’s birth mom’s name. I cannot think of a more perfect name for our beautiful daughter, a gracious gift from God.

(Cross stitch art above was made by my mother-in-law, Grandma K, as an adoption day gift.)

1 Comment | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Adoption Day!

08/13/2012

Last week did not go at all like I had planned and I’m so glad! Every two months I have 2-3 super busy deadline weeks at work (then 5-6 normal weeks). Knowing last week would be one of those slammin’ busy weeks, I scheduled all my daily blog posts in advance. I like to plan ahead so things operate smoothly. Ahem…

Mid-Monday morning our attorney called with the news we’d been waiting to hear since January. We were finally on the docket for Precious’ adoption finalization—ON TUESDAY! Less than 24 hours notice meant a barrage of texts, emails and phone calls to notify my boss, my co-workers, our family and friends, Jason. Not in that order. I tried Jason first but he was in the air on his way home from Canada. I had planned on having a big adoption party/open house the day of the adoption but it was just too short of notice. I had planned to hire a photographer to go with us to the courthouse but there wasn’t enough time…or so I thought. My awesome photographer friend Beth Rose and her husband Josh were able to pull some strings so that she could be there with us to document the big day.

Monday I was an emotional wreck as I tried to pack in a 12-hour work day to make up for missing work Tuesday. When I finally shut off the computer at 11:00pm, I started to really mentally prepare for adoption day. I wrote Precious a letter. I wrote out the lyrics to a song that was so important to me early on in her time with us. I wrote her a card to go with her adoption day gift. I tucked a $20 bill in the card that had been a meaningful token of God’s provision for us through her adoption. We found it in the parking lot of the courthouse the day we got custody and found out we’d have to come up with money for a private adoption—I no longer need it. I cried as I reflected on this wonderful, miraculous journey. The tears were a release of the last little bits of fear that I had been suppressing, fears that something would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t get finalized. We had finally arrived!

The actual adoption was a blur. We arrived at the courthouse at 9am Monday morning—Jason, me, my parents, his mom, our friends Leila and Jeremy, their boy Jaron. Waiting for us there was our photographer Beth Rose with her daughter, our sister-in-law Ginger, our niece Eliza, and our attorney Jennifer. We were the second hearing on the docket.

I don’t know the exact time but somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 we went in and the whole thing was over in about 15 minutes. The judge was all smiles and eager to give all the babies Tootsie Roll pops as soon as it was over. He wanted everyone to come up for pictures afterward. It went by so quickly—like my wedding—I hardly remember anything that was said! I’m so thankful that Beth Rose took photos for us so we can look back on this day for years and show Precious as we tell her about it. Speaking of “Precious,” I think it’s time that I tell you her REAL NAME.

I’m so pleased to introduce:

Miss Alianna (“Ali”) Mae Ahlbrandt!

Here’s a portion of the letter I wrote to her on the night before her adoption:

My dear, sweet, beautiful daughter,

It’s almost midnight on August 6, 2012, the night before your adoption day. Tomorrow, our relationship is made permanent. When the gavel hits the block, that’s it: we’re forever mother and daughter. Finally! What a journey this has been! I would do it all over again. You are absolutely worth every tear, every fight, every phone call, every form we’ve filled out, every hour of classes we’ve attended, every home visit, every medical check, every hoop we’ve had to jump through—you are worth more than all of it. My precious, amazing child…Happy Adoption Day!

Love,
Mama

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Foster Care Terminology

08/08/2012

This is a follow up to my post on Adoption Terminology. The language of foster care is perhaps even more inconsistent, complicated and confusing. The most important point, in my opinion, is to put the label on the adult—the foster parent, not the child. Labels can be embarrassing for a child. A kid who is already feeling out of sorts after being plopped into a whole new family, school, church, etc. really doesn’t need to feel more set apart with the big juicy label “foster child.” A child who is in foster care, living with foster parents, does not need to be called a foster child. Please! If you ignore everything else in this post, take this to heart. Again, I’m thankful we haven’t had a child old enough to really understand these terms when they’re misused. This is from my experience and opinion:

Foster Care Terms
foster care – a federally-backed state-run program for children who have been removed from their biological parents’ custody, typically due to abuse, neglect, or abandonment. The government places these children as “wards of the state” into foster homes, group homes or residential treatment centers temporarily until a permanent long-term plan is made for the child. A child in foster care is in state custody. In most cases (75%?), the goal is for the child to be returned to his/her biological parents’ custody once they have met certain requirements, such as acquiring adequate housing and job, parenting classes, drug/alcohol treatment.

reunification – the process of transitioning the child back into custody of his/her biological parents; this is the goal of foster care most of the time

foster parents – the people who volunteered to parent a child who is in foster care

resource parents – our state (Tennessee) refers to foster parents as resource parents

foster home – the home of the foster parents

orphanage – a group home where children live 24/7 with around-the-clock caretakers while they wait to be adopted. it is my understanding that these no longer exist in the United States as research has shown that children thrive more in a family and home setting with the individual attention and love from foster parents.

foster care adoption / fost-adopt / pre-adoptive home – when a child in state custody becomes legally free to adopt (biological parental rights have been terminated), the foster parents typically are the go-to option to adopt the child because ideally a healthy, loving bond has already been established. the adoption is done through the state, as opposed to a private adoption, and is very inexpensive compared to other types of adoption. In Tennessee every foster home is an approved adoptive home. In some states, additional requirements may need to be met for a home to be considered a fost-adopt or pre-adoptive home.

termination of parental rights / TPR – the process in which all legal rights of the biological parents are severed

legally free / legal risk – a child whose biological parents have already have their parental rights terminated or surrendered; this child is legally free to adopt. In Tennessee the process of TPR can take a long time and it usually unknown at the time of placement whether or not a child will be heading towards a plan of reunification with biological parents or TPR and adoption.

department of childrens services / DCS – (Tennessee) the arm of the county government that serves children in state custody; has different names in different states such as “department of family and child services / DFCS” and “department of human services / DHS”

case worker/ CW / family service worker / FSW – (Tennessee) a social worker who is assigned to take care of a specific case (case = child or sibling set); in our state, we as foster parents have a case worker who handles our home study and training and a different case worker is assigned to each child or sibling group

child protective services / CPS – I honestly don’t know enough about CPS to answer this but I know in Tennessee CPS often does the investigation and removes the child from the bio parents’ home and assists DCS in placing the child in a foster home. CPS is not always involved.

sibling group – every attempt is made to keep biological siblings together when there are healthy relationships between the children

placement – when a child is matched with foster parents, the child is placed with them; the child may be referred to as the placement or it may refer to the time when the child was placed; the time of placement.

kinship placement – when a child is placed with an extended family member while in state custody; the family member must go through the same training and receives the same benefits as foster parents, however training can be done after the time of placement rather than before placement. In Tennessee the definition of kinship is ridiculously liberal – including neighbors, teachers, godparents…basically anyone who knows of the child; but doesn’t need to have actually met or have an established relationship with the child. (Don’t get me started…)

permanency plan – (Tennessee) the goal made by the Department of Childrens Services and the juvenile court system — either to reunite the child with his/her biological family or to move toward adoption. The goal is for the child NOT to remain in foster care more than 1-2 years.

foster child/ foster kid / foster son / foster daughter / foster baby – a child who is temporarily in state custody because of abuse, neglect or abandonment from their original family; see my note above about avoiding putting a label on the child whenever possible

From my personal experience, here are three examples of how to introduce a child to family and friends, especially those who don’t know you are a foster parent and are totally confused about who the kid is…without using the term foster child or foster kid.

Usually friends will say to us, “And who is this?”

1. “This is Megan.”

2. “This is Megan. She’s living with us for a while.”

3. “This is Megan. She’s been a part of our family since April. Did you know we’re foster parents?”

Fellow foster parents, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What did I forget? 

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Posted by mahlbrandt

A Year of Foster Parenting… Sort of

08/02/2012

Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first placement, dubbed Ladybug here. I thought about her a lot the past week. I pray that she’s doing well. No news is good news, I suppose. If you’ve been reading here long, you probably know that while we still consider ourselves foster parents, our home is in closed status while we’re temporarily living with my parents and building a new home. Technically we haven’t had a child in foster care with us since November when Precious was moved into our legal guardianship. Specifics aside, we’ve been parents for a year now. July 28, 2011 is one of those dates that will be permanently etched in my memory. Ladybug holds a very special place in my heart. She was the first child ever to call me mama.

We started our our day with a get together of old and new friends who are all touched by adoption or foster care one way or another. I call it a community group: people on similar life journeys hanging out with no agenda but to support and encourage each other. If nothing else, it’s a place where people don’t ask dumb questions or use wrong terminology about adoption. There was one brand new foster mama there with her 10 year old first placement. There was a couple and their daughter adopted from Ethiopia 2.5 years ago. There was a woman with her one year old who was an unexpected domestic infant adoption. And there were several friends who are waiting for domestic infant adoption matches. An eclectic mix with a common thread.

From there, we spent the afternoon with some of Precious’ biological family. I have so much going through my mind since then but little of it seems appropriate to share here. Maybe writing will help me sort out my thoughts … Precious has 4 older biological half-siblings, living in 3 different homes. It was great to get them all under one roof, to see them all loving each other so well and getting along great. They’re all just as beautiful as Precious, if you can believe that. I got a few photos of the five together but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to share here.

With foster care, there is not really such thing as “open adoption.” All adoptions are closed for reasons you can imagine. But at the same time, unless a foster parent is really determined to avoid the biological family all together—or if the bio family is gone—they’re going to meet or at least know each others’ names. This was scary to me at first. Partly for Precious’ safety and emotional health, but also for selfish reason: I don’t want to make things more complicated. (Ha!) I’m finally starting to understand the sentiment I’ve often heard in regards to open adoption: a child can never have too many people who love and care about her. Seeing how excited Precious’ bio family was to see her and how they couldn’t wait to shower her with hugs and kisses confirms the value of maintaining those connections when it’s possible and beneficial.

I’ve written before about how valuable it turned out to be to have some visits with Precious’ birth mom, because not only did she show us how much she loves her, she told us and also generously affirmed us as her parents. It was so beneficial, even though it was uncomfortable. As Precious gets older, we’ll be able to give her a say in how much contact she wants to maintain with her biological family, as well as gauging how it affects her to see them. It’s so hard to know what to do but we want to keep the doors open. Anyone out there have experience with open adoptions have some insight to share?

(Story behind the pink daises here.)

2 Comments | Family, Family: Adoption, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Precious Dedication

07/02/2012

On June 24 Precious was dedicated at our church. In case you’re not familiar with “baby dedication” it is kind of like infant baptism but without the water. It’s a chance for the baby’s parents to publicly commit to raising their child in the values and beliefs of our faith—Christianity—and for the church as a whole to commit to supporting the family. At our church, our pastor speaks a special, elaborate blessing over each baby. We follow the Biblical tradition of blessing—extending a hand toward the one being blessed (usually the right hand) or placing a hand on the head or chest. A blessing is similar to a prayer.

First, our pastor loves to hold each baby and show him or her off to the congregation. I warned Precious about this and asked her to be nice to pastor and not cry. She listened! A little scared but she didn’t cry.

My parents, Jason’s parents and my brother- and sister-in-law and niece were there. Our parents were up on the stage with us for the dedication.

Our dear friends were also having their son dedicated that day.

Before all of this, our pastor asked Jason and I to come up and share the story of how Precious joined our family and all the drama that happened with DCS, the court, custody and the private adoption. It’s quite an amazing, miraculous story and we were glad to share it. Jason is very comfortable on stage (he’s a professional musician so he’s in front of huge crowds all the time) so the plan was that he would do most of the talking. But somehow, halfway through the story I got the microphone. I think I actually did quite well—I didn’t feel very nervous when I was talking. My mom recorded the whole thing and I can’t bring myself to watch it—I’d rather just think I sounded confident and cohesive!

As we were wrapping up, pastor asked my parents to bring Precious up.

After church we went out for lunch with our family and then spent the afternoon in the pool. Here’s Precious with her cousin Eliza. It’s getting to be nearly impossible to get both of these girls in a picture together without one or both in a blur of motion. This one is the best I got.

I’m thrilled that we got a family photo to remember the day, thanks to my sister in law Ginger (above cutie’s mama). I meant to get a photo of all of us dressed up on Easter and we missed our chance due to afternoon naps. It may seem petty but Precious has been a part of our family for 9 months now and this is the first good picture I have of all three of us. Actually—it’s all four of us! Lucy managed to sneak into the shot and even looked at the camera. That was a happy surprise when I was looking at the photo later.

I haven’t posted an adoption update lately. We’re still waiting for our finalization hearing to be scheduled at the courthouse. For some reason, the clerk is very slow about getting back to our attorney who has been leaving voicemails daily. The chances of us getting on the July adoption docket are looking slim now; hopefully we’ll get in on the August one.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Why Aren’t More ‘Fertile’ People Adopting?

06/06/2012

This is a difficult post to write because it’s such a touchy subject. But I need to get it out: I hate that adoption seems to be linked to infertility 90% of the time, at least in people’s minds. I don’t have any problem with infertile couples adopting. If medical intervention isn’t their thing, or they’ve tried that and had no success, many couples who are unable to conceive turn to adoption. I think birth mothers who are unable to parent their children (and willingly surrender their rights) like to know they’re helping out a couple who couldn’t become parents without adoption. That’s all fine and dandy. My problem is the assumption that adoption is (only) for people who can’t have babies biologically.

It bothers me on two levels.

First, quite a few people have made the assumption that Jason and I really wanted—or still want—to have children biologically and we turned to foster care and adoption as a Plan B. They say things like, “Maybe you’ll get pregnant after you adopt! That’s what happened to my second cousin” and “We adopted two kids and then my wife finally got pregnant after 7 years. You never know!” It’s always said with kindness and sympathetic smiles. But, in our case, we felt like we were supposed to become foster parents and open our hearts to adoption and put the idea of having biological children on hold. Perhaps, indefinitely. I don’t know if we will ever have a child biologically. Honestly, at this point, I have no desire to become pregnant. We have chosen a different route to building our family.

Second, and the main reason I have a problem with the adoption=infertile assumption, I would LOVE to see more kids adopted. My passion is for the orphans in our own country, though there are millions around the world waiting to be adopted, too. There are over 130,000 kids in the United States with their mugshots next to short biographies on photo listings, desperately waiting for parents who will adopt them. Another 300,000 kids in foster care need loving, stable, temporary (but potentially permanent) homes. I don’t have patience to wait for 130,000 infertile couples to exhaust all other possibilities and get desperate enough to consider adopting an older child. And the kids don’t have time to wait either. Every year, 24,000 of them turn 18 and get pushed into adulthood alone, unprepared and unsupported. It’s tragedy upon tragedy.

We need some of the millions of fertile couples in this country to join us on the adoption road!

If you feel compelled to do something, check out:

Adopt US Kids and follow them on Twitter

Adopt America Network and follow them on Twitter

or call your county Department of Childrens Services (Dept. of Human Services in some states, I think) and ask about becoming a foster parent.

(Look at the photo listings of waiting kids if you’re feeling brave.)


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Posted by mahlbrandt

Mother’s Day Hurts

05/13/2012

I don’t usually blog on the weekends but it’s Mother’s Day and there is so much going on my head, I need this space to sort it out. (OK?)

It’s technically my first Mother’s Day today. Yay! I love being a mom. It’s even more fun than I expected. I say it’s technically my first Mother’s Day because last year at this time I was expecting. Not pregnant; we were in the midst of training to become foster parents.

At what point does a woman become a mother? Is it the moment of conception? Is it the moment her child is born? Is it the first time she sees her child’s face? Is it the day they meet for the first time? Is it when she’s aware of her child’s existence? I pondered these things one morning last Spring and I asked God. I felt His answer wrap around me, You became a mother the moment you decided to become a mother.

So, you see, a year ago, I already felt like a mother in a lot of ways. I had a car seat installed in my minivan, for crying out loud. I just didn’t have any kids to buckle into it yet. But I could feel their existence like an ache inside of me. I prayed for them and cried for them as I arranged childrens books on ledges, painted a nursery and stretched a sheet over a new crib mattress. Last Mother’s Day was full of excitement and preparation.

Mother’s Day has never been a hard day for me. Never a sad day. I know it is for a lot of people… women who long for children, children who long for mothers, mothers who have lost children or lost touch with their children, children who have lost mothers or lost touch with their mothers. I’m not one who was brokenhearted on my childless Mother’s Days because I never doubted that I’d be a mom one day. I was not in any hurry. I knew God put it in me to be a mom and I didn’t care that much when and how it happened.

This Mother’s Day is sad for me, though. I am crazy in love with my little girl. She fills my days with joy with her sweetness, giggles and gigantic smiles. Her baby browns pierce into me and melt my heart. She’s everything I could ever want in a child. She is a blessing. But I am her mother because she was taken away from another mother. And that is why I am sad this Mother’s Day. On my way to church this morning, I’ll drive past the hotel where she lives—the woman who carried my precious daughter for 9 months, who decided not to abort this one, who brought her into the world hopeful she could parent this time, that she would be able to be the mother her daughter needed. But it didn’t happen. She messed up. Again. And a child was taken from her. Again.

(photo: beth rose photography. bethrose.com)

I have an irrational amount of respect for my daughter’s biological mother, her first mom. “How could someone give up such a beautiful child?” a friend once asked me, without thinking of the implications. Before I met her, it was much easier for me to judge her, too. She wasn’t a “real” person to me yet. I knew on paper what she had done and I was angry about what had happened to Precious, what she had been put through. However, getting to know this woman forever changed me and my perspective about the parents of children in foster care. She was not a monster. She was not an evil child abuser. She was not a heartless, selfish, careless person. We all make mistakes, some with more serious consequences than others. I can say without a shadow of doubt that she loved, and still loves, Precious deeply. She has dreams and hopes for her future. She misses her terribly and I hate to think of what she might do to try to cover the wound left by the children that were ripped from her. She’s a hurting woman—just like many others on this day—and my heart breaks for her.

So that is on my mind today.

Then, there is the problem of orphans. There are thousands of kids in this country who have no mothers to celebrate today. I’m not even going to try to carry the weight of that burden because I would be instantly crushed. Lord knows I can only handle so much. But I weep for them, too. We’re making more room… I whisper into the wind. Our new house will have 4 bedrooms. FOUR! But there are so many motherless kids. So many more than our home will hold.

I read this awesome blog post on Friday called Where is the Mommy-War for the Motherless Child? and wanted to run around shouting, YES! YES! Why are we moms not more outraged about the number of motherless kids around the world? I get that stay at home moms are offended that working moms think they don’t work hard and working moms are offended that stay at home moms think they’re doing better for their children. I get that some moms advocate for breast feeding while other moms choose formula for valid reasons. In all these situations, these kids have moms who love them and are providing what they believe is best for their financial, nutritional, emotional needs. In light of the fact that there are thousands and thousands of kids WITHOUT mothers, IT DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER. Kristen says it better than me, so please read her post.

So there’s my broken heart this Mother’s Day.

I will be happy today, I promise. I will savor the sloppy wet kisses of my baby girl and hug her a little tighter, endlessly grateful for the blessing she is to my life. I will thank my mom for setting an awesome example for me and for continuing to love, encourage and support me as an adult.

Who knew Mother’s Day could become such a tangled mess of emotion?

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Documenting an Adoption

05/03/2012

A sweet commenter suggested that we hire a photographer to document our adoption day. I had thought about getting a photographer to get some family pictures of us around the time of the finalization but it didn’t occur to me to have someone document the actual day. She sent a link to the video that was put together celebrating their family’s adoption day. The audio from the courthouse really gets me because it stirs up memories from being in court with Ladybug and Precious. This brief documentary is so beautiful. I’ve cried every time I’ve watched it. (Fair warning.)

I am so looking forward to our adoption finalization day!

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Posted by mahlbrandt

6 Month Familiversary

03/28/2012

Typically not long after a new baby is born at the hospital, a family photo is snapped. When a new child arrives through foster care, things aren’t so … picturesque. The night Precious came home was a bit chaotic. I called my sister-in-law Ginger before she arrived. “How much does a 2-month-old baby eat? And how often? What kind of bottle should we get? How much will she sleep? What’s a typical sleep schedule for a 2-month-old?” After the frenzy of questions and some encouragement from my sweet sister-friend, I bolted into a flurry of last minute nesting. I put a clean sheet on the crib, found a package of wipes and the box with infant clothes, set out blankets, found a nightlight. We had an hour to prepare. Once Precious was in our living room and the case worker was driving away, we fed her a bottle—she had come with one and a container of formula. My parents came by to meet her and see how they could help. We took off her cigarette-smokey sleep gown and put a clean shirt on her. It’s one Jason and I had purchased a full year before Precious was born, just because it was cute with two little birdies on it. For our future daughter. We washed her gown along with all the rest of her clothes. Then we went to Target. Our first shopping excursion as a brand new family of three. I carried sleeping Precious in a baby carrier and kissed the top of her stinky head as we tossed diapers, bottles, burp cloths and pacifiers into the cart. We got home at 10 pm and put our sleepy baby girl down in her crib. An hour later Jason left for a 4 day trip. I turned on the baby monitor and tried not to think so that I could get some sleep, assuming I’d be up a few times during the night. My first night at home with an infant. A stranger in the room next to ours. She slept like a champ, not waking up until 5 am and then going back to sleep until almost 9 after a bottle and a fresh diaper. The first night:

Precious arrived on a Wednesday night. The following day, my mom babysat so I could go to work.

The next day, my mother-in-law babysat. I was so thankful to have our moms close by and willing to jump in and help!

Precious has been a great sleeper since the beginning.

And so full of joy, too!

Here I am looking a little tired, but it’s the first photo I have of the two of us on our third day. She was so tiny!

When Jason got home, I took this first picture of them together.

It’s hard to believe that was 6 months ago. Last week we celebrated our half-year familiversary, six months since the day Precious became a part of our family. We’re looking forward to finalizing her adoption in the next few months, hopefully before her first birthday in July.

I just noticed we put the same shirt on her for our ice cream familiversary celebration that she wore on her first full day with us. (Second picture from the top.) She’s filling it out a bit more now!

Happy Familiversary, Choongie! We’re so thankful God brought you into our family. I can’t imagine my life without you. Thank you for bringing us so much joy and love everyday.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Surrendering

01/01/2012

Four days before Christmas, on the 3-month anniversary of when Precious joined our family, we found ourselves sitting in the juvenile courthouse once again. This time we didn’t have a hearing; we were there to meet in the judge’s quarters and accept a surrender of parental rights from Precious’ birth mother. It was a rough day. Brave spent a lot of time holding her youngest child, telling her she loves her, kissing her big fat cheeks. She asked us a lot of questions about her sleeping and eating, if she was enjoying the toys she gave her at her last visit, if she’s sitting up yet or getting her first tooth, if we’re going to change her name. Brave was proudly wearing the locket I gave her with Precious’ picture in it and said she shows it to everyone she meets. She told Precious how she thinks about her everyday but she was really thinking a lot about her on her 5 month birthday, wondering how she was doing. I’m glad that things have smoothed out and that we have the relationship we do with Brave now. I’m not sure how things will look as we move forward. She asked if we can send her pictures on Precious’ first birthday with her face covered in cake. We assured her we will. She reiterated to Jason (since he wasn’t at the two previous visits) that she doesn’t have anything against us and never did, but just hopes that all of her children can stay in touch because it is not their fault all of this happened, it’s hers. She’s a strong woman and she has a lot of love for her kids. We’re praying hard for her recovery. It doesn’t seem like she has any confidence in or love for herself.

The actual surrender process was very bittersweet. Brave cried as she firmly answered all the judge’s questions. She understood what she was doing and why but it didn’t make it any easier. In other ways, it was a happy time. It was the same judge who had given us custody a little more than a month earlier. (We love her!) She was so happy to see that we were doing well and moving forward with an adoption attorney. Precious’ guardian ad litem who had been key in all of this was there too, and he was happy. The baliff who had been in court with us previously told both Jason and I privately how thankful she was that all this worked out the way it did and how it was not just a Christmas gift for us, but for her as well. The judge gave Precious a big soft teddy bear to commemorate the day. At the end of the process, it was just our family of three, our attorney and the judge left in the conference room. We were able to really thank her for what she did for Precious back on November 15th. She went above and beyond what she had to do because she believed it was the right thing to do and we’ve very grateful for her decision—she’s a very sweet but strong woman. She asked us to bring Precious back when she’s 16 so she can see that she’s still doing well, then said—no, don’t wait that long! Come back to visit sooner than that.

When we left the judge’s chambers Brave was already gone. We had been hoping to talk to her some more, to thank her and encourage her. I wanted to give her a hug. But it was too late. I know why she slipped out so quickly. I would have done the same thing. There is so much good and bad tangled together in this whole situation. We are blessed and we are grateful but we’re also sad for Brave and Precious. Please pray for them, especially Brave who is really hurting right now.

6 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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