Good Reads

02/11/2013

These three blog posts rocked my world last week and I wanted to pass them on to you.

Look at Me When You’re Talking to Me!

You want me to look at you, even when you are very angry and I don’t want to look at you.  And you want me to wait my turn for talking, even when I have something very important to say.  So why don’t you look at me when I’m doing my very important things before you tell me to stop?  And why do you get to interrupt what I am doing without waiting until I’m done?

Written from the perspective to the child, this totally humbled me as a mama. It brought tears to my eyes as I realized how often I fail Ali by not giving her the attention and respect she deserves. The day before I read this, I had scolded Ali for demanding “Cacka! Cacka! Cacka!” from the other room. I told her she needed to say “Cracker please” in a nice tone. Then a few minutes later, I caught myself toning out her voice as I was preparing dinner. “Pease. Pease. Pease.” she was saying in the sweetest little voice as she pointed to the package of crackers. She wasn’t rude, loud or demanding…and she totally did not get my attention. Sigh.

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For the Foster/Adoptive Dad

My friend and mentor says there are only 2 emotions; fear and love.  They are intricately and inversely related.  Foster or adoptive children live out of fear, they are afraid that at the drop of a dime they will be picked up and put out of the home they are currently in.  It does not matter how old they are or how long they have been there, fear is often the primary emotion that is shaping everything and anything about these children.  … God says He is love, and thus far I believe Him.  No matter how many moments we want to respond in fear, fathers must ferociously pursue the presence of God…the presence of love.

I don’t come across a lot blogs written by foster/adoptive dads so I thought this one was pretty cool. This father discusses 3 things that he feels very foster/adoptive dad must force himself to lean into daily.

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3 Things We Forget

In most cases lying, stealing, selfishness, and the inability to empathize will surface again and again. Get ready, because they all come with the territory. All of these are symptoms of a human being who has been forced into survival mode early on in their little lives.

From the same father as the previous post, here he addresses 3 things to keep in mind when parenting “hurt” kids—behaviors that result from fighting to survive, not to expect gratitude from a child who didn’t choose this life and the long term investment beyond a kid’s 18th birthday.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

02/08/2013

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Most of my Phone Photo Friday pictures are from my Instagram feed. Follow me @mahlbrandt if you’d like!

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The Nest is 75% Ready

02/07/2013

75% is enough for now. Enough to call our case worker to have her come out and do a walk-through. Enough to make me feel mostly prepared.

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Bedroom for Future Foster Kids Checklist:

• assemble KURA bed
• hang curtains
• hang wall art
• add a rug
• make space in closet for clothes
• dresser
• bookshelf ?
• nightstand
• lamp
• hang book ledges
• mount guitar hook for my old acoustic
• nightlight
• make bed look comfy and inviting

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The Rest of the House Checklist:

• mount TV to the wall in the den
• cover all electrical outlets with annoying plastic caps
• lock up all of our medications and vitamins
• lock up all of our cleaning supplies
• lock up all knives
• lock up all matches and lighters
• secure rugs to the floor (so they’re not tripping hazards)
• make sure we always have bananas
• have and know how to install car seats and boosters for newborn – 8 year olds

Our den/playroom:

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5 Comments | Art, Art: new home kids room, Family, Family: Foster Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Flying Food and the Power of Words

02/06/2013

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Meal times are getting so much better now! When we first moved into our new house, Ali was used to having the attention of 4 adoring adults every meal. It was a big adjustment with just Mommy and Daddy who would occasionally be trying to talk to each other. Her way to get attention was to throw food. And it worked marvelously. She would even seek a scowl face that one of us must have been giving her, because she would throw food on the floor, yell “no” and then scowl at us. I scoured my parenting books for advice and landed on a suggestion from The Connected Child that positive reinforcement of good behavior is really the most effective discipline.

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I was skeptical. But willing to try.

It seems obnoxious to say, “Good job, Ali! You’re doing a great job feeding yourself! Wow, look at you! Can you put that banana in your mouth? [As she dangles it over the floor…] Great job putting the banana in your mouth! What a good eater!”

ButOhMyGosh! It worked. If I would forget to do it—to give her positive affirmation for her good eating behavior—food would fly.

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Above: Messing but she polished off a whole plate of food at our favorite Mexican restaurant!

My eyes were opened to how much difference it makes to Ali’s ability level when she gets verbal encouragement and affirmation. It’s not just eating. When she’s trying to climb up her slide and grunts because she’s stuck, if we encourage her, “You can do it, Ali! You’re doing a great job. What a good climber!” There she goes. Right up to the top of the slide…and then head first down to the floor (that’s her style).

I’ve also been noticing a physical change in her posture depending on what I say. “Listen and obey” is a script explained in The Connected Child as well. Instead of saying “No” I give Ali verbal instructions and wait for her to comply, pending immediate danger. If she doesn’t do it, my tone gets more serious and I say, “Ali, listen and obey. Shut that cupboard.” When the words listen and obey come rumbling through the airwaves, I see her straighten up her shoulders. She knows I mean business.

Likewise, when I praise her actions I see her body respond. The other day she was putting back the glasses case that she had taken from my nightstand (as instructed) and as soon as she put it down, before she had a chance to pick it back up again (as she often does…) I said, “Thank you, Ali! Great job listening and following instructions!” and I saw her head lift up with pride like an invisible string just pulled her up a little bit. She smiled with confidence.

How humbling it’s been to realize what an affect my words have on my sweet little girl. I have the power to crush her or to lift her up, just with what’s coming out of my mouth. I mess up plenty, and she does too I suppose. Thankfully, she’s always been quick to forgive me and I give her grace, too. We’re learning and stretching a lot these days.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

eMeals: Budgeting, Planning and Cooking Family Meals

02/05/2013

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One of my goals for the new year, now that we’re in our new home, is to cook more. I’ve never been too much into cooking and really slacked off a lot while we were living with my parents. My mom was kind enough to let us chip in for groceries and still do a lot of the cooking she would be doing anyway—except for 5 people instead of 2. (Thanks, Mom!!) Part of what has held me back from cooking more in past years is the time to plan and shop for meals. Jason (who is a very good and creative cook!) and I would walk through the grocery store together and look for inspiration based on what was on sale. That would usually get us a meal or two and a lot of random stuff. There was a Groupon for eMeals around New Years and after discussing with a friend who as used it before, I decided that this would be my plan for 2013.

So far, I am completely loving it…so much so that I’m writing this blog post! Every Sunday I get a 2 page PDF in my inbox with 7 recipes and a grocery shopping list for my neighborhood Kroger. The recipes are selected based on what’s on sale this week. It takes a huge amount of the planning out it and allows me to get great deals without flipping through ads, cutting coupons or wandering through the store. (Ain’t nobody got time for that!) I love that the shopping list is broken down by section of the store, too. It’s cut grocery shopping time down by half. At least.

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It’s also saving us money. The plan we’ve selected is the Classic Family Plan (the only one based on your local grocery store’s sales, I think) for 3-6 people. They also have an option for 1-2 people but my friend suggested the bigger plan because it yeilds a lot of leftovers. That’s where the second half of the time and money saving comes in for me. Often, I’m able to freeze half of the meal either cooked, or partially cooked following the freezing techniques of Don’t Panic—Dinner’s in the Freezer We also have leftovers flowing all the time so I very rarely need to eat out for lunch or take my former staple can of soup to work.

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This is Creamy Burrito Casserole round 2 – just after taking it out of the freezer to thaw. The recipe made enough for 2 good size casseroles.

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An unexpected result is that we’ve been eating out less. I never really thought we ate out all that much but having a plan for the week means that we’re very rarely going out to eat Monday-Thursday. We usually treat ourselves to a night out after work on Friday and a lunch after church on Sundays. Other than that, we’ve been spending around $40-45/week on dinner/lunch. That does not include things like milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt, fruit and other staples but for the bulk of our meals…I think that’s pretty good. The plan adds up to around $85 for 7 meals for 3-6 people. I’ve been choosing 3 meals per week and selecting from a rotation of freezer meals for the other days we’re eating at home.

Another, perhaps more obvious benefit, is that it’s introducing us to a lot of new recipes and new foods. All the recipes we’ve tried have been good, some have been excellent (salmon cakes, swedish meatballs, oven fried chicken, creamy burrito casserole). I’ve discovered some items in the grocery store that I never knew existed (panko, cheese soup). I’ve learned where I/we draw the line to save a buck…white bread sandwich rolls for $1? Head of iceberg lettuce for $1.49? No thank you. I’m willing to pay a little more for something we like better.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Guest Post: Older Child Adoption in Pop Culture

02/04/2013

A few months ago, I was asked to write a guest post for another blog. I felt quite honored and I realized I’d like to start honoring other bloggers here on my piece of the internet.

About 2 years ago, not long after I had been doing some research about domestic adoptions and the US foster care system, I discovered Krysta’s blog (Then called Proverbs 30:8, now called A Really Long Year) through a comment she left here on my blog. My misconception of what foster parents looked like (seasoned parents with older biological kids) was shattered as I clicked through post after post about her and her husband’s journey through foster care and adoption. God definitely used their story to encourage us into the decision to become foster parents and I’m thankful that Krysta was also willing to answer a lot of my questions through email and to become a “real life” long distance friend. In fact, she was one of the first people I texted when we got our first placement in July 2011! Let me introduce you to her and then she’s going to share a post with y’all:

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Krysta and Dan became foster parents in 2010. Since then they have fostered several children, adopted their two sons and welcomed a daughter by birth. Their sons joined their family at ages 3 and 4. They found out about foster care by listening to the Foster Parenting Podcast (www.fosterpodcast.com) and have shared some of their story there as well.

Older Child Adoption in Pop Culture

One of the strangest comments we ever received when we were getting ready to become foster parents was a recommendation by someone to watch the movie, Orphan. Yes, the horror movie about a nine-year old adoptee who terrorizes her new parents. The person thought it would serve as a cautionary tale for us. We never got around to watching it.

There are lots of orphans and adoptees in movies and television. I think you notice it even more when you have kids in your home who come from these types of backgrounds. Though I realize it is silly to expect an accurate representation of real life from television it is always nice when they get it (kind of) right.

For the past two seasons, I’ve been wrapped up in Julia and Joel’s attempt to adopt a child (first seeking a baby but then an older child, Victor) on the show, Parenthood. NBC didn’t do the plotline any justice by making it a short season for the show but I thought they did a decent job of showing the ups-and-downs of older child adoption. Those of us who have been there know the ups-and-downs last alot longer (and even come back when you least expect them). The victories are so sweet. The downtimes are so discouraging. Julia really struggled toward the end of the season with whether finalizing Victor’s adoption was the right thing to do – fearing for herself, her marriage, her daughter and for Victor. All these fears are totally legitimate and real.

Even though they are not real people, I wanted to send them a copy of The Connected Child. I wanted to encourage them to talk with Victor more about his biological mom and provide him with ways to stay connected with his culture and history. I wanted Julia to cut herself and Victor some slack. I’ve learned that it takes time to feel like a family. It takes time to love and be loved the way you hope for but it is possible.

Watching the season finale and Victor’s adoption finalization scene made me so reminiscent of the day back in 2011 when we promised to take care of our boys forever. Long before this day, we knew in our hearts they were ours and that we would never leave them but making it official was a beautiful thing.

Even though the Bravermans are not real, I hope families can take a cue from their behavior at the finalization. In Victor’s hearing, members of the family spoke up and affirmed him as a full member of the family. They promised to love him, tease him, teach him and include him. We know that kids who come from hard-places will seem like they are fighting against being loved. At times, it will seem impossible. It will seem like it is getting worse. There are certainly situations where extensive therapy is needed. It is not easy but it is so worth it.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

02/01/2013

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Tsk tsk tsk… Ali and her buddy Jaron (she calls him JeeJee) caught smooching in the library! Actually, I suggested the kiss because it was the only way to get them both to sit still for a second. JeeJee sure was feeling good about himself after that! They’re sweet buddies. I told his mom was can use these pictures for their wedding slideshow. 😉

Most of my Phone Photo Friday pictures are from my Instagram feed. Follow me @mahlbrandt if you’d like!

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The Power of the Praying Wife

01/31/2013

 

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While I was resting on Sunday afternoon, I decided to pick up The Power of a Praying Wife (again) instead of The Connected Child which I’m in the process of reading (again). Each chapter is about a different aspect of my husband’s life with suggestions of how to pray for him. The first chapter is much longer than the rest and it’s all about His Wife—praying for his wife. It started out by making it clear that if you’re praying “God, change him, ” you need to shift your perspective. He’ll change whoever is willing to change. You have to be willing to change yourself and to ask God’s help to change you.

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I like the analogy she explained that while the husband is the head of the household, the wife is the heart of the household and regardless of who works outside of the home more or who spends more time with the kids, there are certain roles that fit the head and certain roles that fit the heart. (You might not agree with this Biblical picture toward marriage and that’s totally fine with me. We believe it and it works well for us.) This has been a little bit of a challenging balance for Jason and I. Because he’s a musician, he’s often at home during the week, which means more of the childcare responsibility falls on him. It makes it very difficult for him to get the work done for his career that he needs to do. And because I work outside of the home, even though it’s my desire to be taking care of Ali, cooking, cleaning, etc. (it’s Jason’s desire for me, also) that’s just not where we’re at right now. But we are working more toward that goal everyday. It’s a huge blessing that my bosses allow me to work from home 2/5 days of the week so that I can spend those days with Ali, relieve Jason and not ask Ali’s grandma’s to babysit too often. I do, however, want to step it up in the area of taking care of the household. I love to do it and it speaks to Jason’s love language (acts of service). I’m doing a lot more of the cooking now that we’re in our new house, even though Jason is a great cook. We’re both really happy with the shift.

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There are 30 chapters in The Power of a Praying Wife, intended for each to be read and prayed every day for a month. I pray for Jason a lot but I love this book because it brings up things that I often don’t think of to pray about. I hope he’s feeling the affects. I know that I am feeling changed already.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Soaking It In

01/30/2013

I disciplined myself to rest from sundown Saturday until sundown Sunday. I’m trying a new thing this year inspired by the way the Jewish people observe the Sabbath (only I’m doing it the following day). I had spent every minute of Ali’s naptime and every evening after she’s asleep for several days nesting–organizing, unpacking the last few things, hanging shelves, curtains, etc. Either that or I was finished up some wedding invitations I designed for my sister’s friend. Jason was in Florida on tour and I had been busy. It was really difficult to rest, especially on a gorgeous sunny afternoon. Once Ali was asleep, I decided to sit outside in the sunshine for at least 20 minutes to get my daily dose of Vitamin D.

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Our courtyard offered the perfect spot, in direct sunlight just for an hour or two in the afternoon. Lucy joined me outside while I planned our meals for the week and sent some emails I’d been trying to find time for.

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Once I came back inside, I spent sometime reading and started a book that I’ve read several times before, The Power of the Praying Wife. After a few hours of forced rest, I had a list of things I was ready to do as soon as the sun went down, which was just about the time Ali was waking up from her nap. It’s hard to explain but I felt really truly refreshed: full of energy and joy. Ali and I ate dinner, went grocery shopping, I gave her a bath and put her to bed and then I cleaned the house. Wow! I felt ready to start the week and to welcome my man home on Monday after 5 days in a tour bus. Home to a clean house with a full fridge, meals planned for the week, and two happy girls waiting for him.

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Fluttering Hearts

01/29/2013

Maybe it’s part of my nesting urge. While I was cleaning out the future kids room, I found an old poetry book at I was going to put in the yard sale pile. Then I got inspired and remembered a project I saw on a blog a few years ago. I made a banner with cut out hearts, stapled with pink staples onto rainbow colored yarn. I hug it over the dining room windows, by the front door, and I love the shadows the hearts cast on a sunny afternoon. There is a heat vent on the floor under the window so when the air is running, the hearts flutter around. I’m in love.

Valentine's Day paper heart banner made from an old poetry book - myMCMlife.com Valentine's Day paper heart banner made from an old poetry book - myMCMlife.com

Valentine's Day paper heart banner made from an old poetry book - myMCMlife.com

Valentine's Day paper heart banner made from an old poetry book - myMCMlife.com

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