Precious Week 1, By The Numbers

09/29/2011

7: Number of days we’ve had our Precious 2-month old

1: Number of blow-outs that have required a bath and full wardrobe change. For both of us.

6: Number of days Jason was on the road during our first week. God has a funny way with timing the arrivals of our babies…

1: Bottle she came with

7: Total number of bottles we now have

1: Pacifier she came with

3: Pacifiers we now have

6: Bibs that Precious came with

26: Total number of bibs we now have thanks to family and friends

50: Approximate number of diapers we’ve gone through

30: Dollars worth of formula used in a week. At least.

7: Average number of hours slept straight through the night. Hallelujah!

15: Approximately how many giant, slobbery smiles we get a day

18: Average number of hours per day that a 2 month old sleeps

24: Ounces of formula a 12-pounder requires a day

4: Loads of laundry done this week (not too bad!)

8: Times I’ve cried this week between the Empowered to Connect conference, worshipping, missing Ladybug and grieving for Precious’s situation (9 if you count the onion I was cutting up for potato soup.)

4: Cups of coffee I’ve had (I’m NOT a coffee drinker)

6 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

The Attachment Dance

09/28/2011

Have I mentioned that I’ve been really emotional lately? At the Empowered to Connect conference last weekend Dr. Karyn Purvis showed this video to illustrate that the “dance” of attachment looks like between adoptive/foster parents and kids from hard places. It made me cry. That dog just loves his master so much! And she must be so committed to that dog!

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Empowered to Connect

09/27/2011

I wish I had some more artsy home-related projects to write about to balance out all this foster parenting business but I don’t. Our goal was to get the house pretty well de-projected before we started having kids since we knew we wouldn’t have as much time for crazy home renovations. So that’s where we are right now. Anyhow…

Over the weekend, my mom and I went to a conference called Empowered to Connect. The main speaker was Dr. Karyn Purvis, author of The Connected Child. It was without a doubt, the best conference I’ve ever been to. I feel like I learned SO MUCH. Dr. P is a great speaker and such a sweet, sincere, funny, smart woman. I think we all fell in love with her. The principles she teaches for parenting kids from hard places are really great. They are so love-based and wise. Also time-tested as she’s been using them with great results for over 30 years. Lots of  “duh” moments over the weekend, as I realized why a lot of conventional discipline practices are counter-productive with traumatized kids. I cried. I laughed. I really do feel more empowered to connect.

Here are a few little nuggets of goodness that won’t come close to doing justice to how great this conference was. Seriously, if you’re a foster or adoptive parent and you ever have a chance to hear Karyn Purvis speak: GO.

• It takes about 1 month of intensive care and training per year old the child is to reverse the affects of abuse, neglect and trauma. (Example: a 4 year old needs 4 months of focused attention to get to a place of earned secure attachment.)

• Bad behavior always has a purpose. What is the need that’s driving the misbehavior? Help your child develop a voice.

• Giving a child choices and compromises gives them a voice and returns their preciousness.

• Sharing power (through compromising, giving choices, etc.) proves that it’s your power to share; it doesn’t take it away.

• With a biological child, you have 2 years of saying “yes” 100,000x before you start saying “no” for the first time

• Say “yes” to your child as much as possible, especially during the honeymoon period

• If you cut your child off when you’re upset (through timeouts or silence), you are teaching him to do the same thing to you when he’s older rather than dealing with and resolving conflict.

• Always level your response at your child’d behavior, not their preciousness; never let your child’s preciousness be up for grabs.

• Regarding your facial expressions when you’re changing your child’s stinky diaper… “I want my children to know that even when they’re covered in their own *stuff*, they’re still precious to me.”

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Bottles… Baby Burping… Bear with me.

09/26/2011

Our first 4 days went really well with Precious,* our new little baby girl. (*Not her real name.) I’m learning lots about babies, bottles, burping, etc. She’s amazing. Very pleasant and easy going most of the time. Sleeps like a champ. Gives me the best gigantic, slobbery baby smiles. I have to say, at least in my limited experience, a 2-month old is SO MUCH easier than an almost 1.5 year old. I don’t mind a middle of the night diaper change and feeding when the ability to cook dinner, do dishes, clean up the house, etc. comes along with the package. I mean, I can set her down somewhere, sleeping or awake, and she doesn’t move. Ladybug required constant attention unless she was asleep.

Don’t get me wrong, Ladybug was an awesome child. I’m just saying, toddlers are way more challenging than newborns in my book. Speaking of Ladybug, we’ve been missing her like crazy the past few days. It was about 3 weeks between the day she left and the day Precious arrived. We had been doing pretty well, feeling pretty good, and when we got the call Jason pointed out that we really didn’t have a good reason to say no to this one. He said the only reasons he could think of where born out of selfishness. My only reservation was Is it too soon? I wasn’t expecting sadness to be stirred back up quite like it did by bringing in baby #2. Precious is great and our love for her is growing rapidly, but she’s not Ladybug and she isn’t going to fill the Ladybug shaped holes in our hearts. God, we miss that sweet little girl so much.

Now I’m crying. I’m tired and very emotional lately. Sheesh. I have no idea where this blog post is heading…

Let me at least end on a high note. I have the most amazing friends and family. Ahhhhmazing. We didn’t ask them whether or not they wanted to be strung along on this crazy journey with us but they’re right there with us anyway. Have I mentioned that Jason had to leave town the night Precious arrived? Of course I didn’t mention it because I don’t ever tell ya when he’s gone. So yeah. That’s a crazy coincidence. He was in Europe for a week when Ladybug arrived and the night we got Precious he had to take off for a long trip around the mid-west. He’s a wonderful daddy and he can’t wait to get back in the game here at home. While he’s been gone, though, my mom and his mom have been a HUGE help to me! My sister-in-law has been great with answering my questions since my niece is just 5 months older than Precious. Plus, she lent us a bouncy seat and a bunch of blankets and bibs. (This blog post is brought to you by the Letter B.) Also, a bunch of friends have been super kind and helpful, too. Precious is getting tons of love. Despite the sadness we’re still dealing with, overall things have been much smoother with this second placement. God is good.

8 Comments | Family, Family: Extended Family and Friends, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Ladybug, Family: Me, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Our Second Daughter

09/22/2011

The post from earlier today was actually written several days ago and scheduled for this morning. Right now, I’m eating the last of the bananas as I write this and I don’t feel any urgency to run out and buy more because… 2 month olds don’t eat bananas.

Right as we were sitting down to eat dinner last night we got a call for a baby girl. We felt like we were ready (enough) and didn’t have a good reason to say no, so we said sure! She got to our house around 7:45pm last night.

It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet but we’ve been doing great so far. She seems really pleasant and easy-going. She slept from 10-5 last night and then after a diaper change and a bottle, slept until I had to wake her up at 8:40 so we could get going with our day. She’s cute and fat and she likes to smile and make faces. Very different from a nearly 1.5 year old but I think this is going to be lots of fun, too.

I’m still working on coming up with a bloggy nickname for her. I have no idea at this point about the timeline or what to expect. Hopefully we’ll get a little more clarity about the situation in the next few days. As always, prayers are appreciated!

3 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Preparedness

09/22/2011

Thursdays have been my unofficial foster parenting update day. It’s been 3 weeks since Ladybug left. It’s been hard. Probably the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But considering all, we are doing well and moving forward little by little. A few days after our goodbye we left on vacation. The timing worked out perfectly for us to get away although we had been really hoping to take her to Disney World with us. The week away was a great distraction. The house felt so quiet and empty when we got home. We returned to a bit of a mess. Nothing major but you know, the typical post beach vacation 6 loads of laundry, pile of mail, tall grass, expired milk, stale house. You should always clean the house and make the beds before you leave on vacation. My mama taught me that. But I ran out of time and didn’t do it. So we came home to a filthy house.

By the end of last week our house was dusted, vacuumed and mopped. The refrigerator was cleaned out and restocked with groceries. The 6 loads of laundry were all put away. Mail was sorted. Bills were paid. It was such a relief. Not just to feel “caught up” but because I was feeling so unprepared for our next placement. Feeling physically prepared has really helped me start moving towards mental, emotional and spiritually preparedness.

We’ve been getting a lot of calls but all of the calls have been for school age kids. Not only are the kids a bit out of the parameters we’ve set up (birth-5 years old) but it was still a bit too soon for us. I think we’re almost there though.

(PSA: If you’ve been considering becoming a foster parent, please take the first step today and call a local agency to request more information. There seems to have been a big influx of school age kids into the state system due to the start of the new school year. The kids we have been called for have all been siblings between 5-12.)

When Ladybug arrived, Jason was away on a long trip and I was totally bumming around the house like a bachelorette. The floors needed vacuumed and I hadn’t been grocery shopping in a while. Those two factors made me feel so unprepared for her arrival. I didn’t even have a banana or Cheerios to give her for breakfast the next morning. (Thank God my parents live so close and could bring those 2 things over at 10pm!) I’m making it a point to always have bananas in the house from now on. I know it’s petty but it’s a tangible symbol of our preparedness.

1 Comment | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Ladybug | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Sweet Signs of Love

09/15/2011

God is very generous. I didn’t ask Him to give us a sign that Ladybug was supposed to be our first placement, our first daughter or to confirm the specialness of the day of her arrival. But He did.

First it was the pregnancy symptoms. I think I’ve made it clear in the past that I’m not trying to get pregnant. However, in the two weeks leading up to Ladybug’s arrival Jason and I were completely convinced that I was pregnant. Without going into detail here, let me just say there were things going on that don’t normally go on in my body. We were sure. An app on my phone was pretty sure too. It said 7/28/11 was Test Day. I woke up that morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative. We were perplexed.

Later than night I was sure I wasn’t pregnant (AHEM) and I was wallowing in my own world of discomfort, reading Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman, when at 8:30 the phone rang. It was the same placement worker who had called Jason 4 days earlier and we missed the placement because he was on a plane. “I told you I had your number on speed dial,” she said. I suddenly forgot how crappy I was feeling as I sprung into hyper-nesting-mode, trying to make sure everything was in place to receive her in just 1 hour. If we hadn’t missed that first call, the placement worker wouldn’t have been able to reach either of us.

About a week after Ladybug’s arrival, I was back at work looking at my planner. I flipped back to July so I could write “Ladybug’s arrival” on July 28. I was shocked to see “Ladybug’s Due Date” already penciled in on July 28. Then I smiled. God. How funny that You would do that. I have a co-worker named Ladybug (L’s real name… work with me here) who had been pregnant. I emailed my co-worker, who had just given birth to a baby boy, to share the funny news with her. She responded back, “it really is funny how God works because my due date was actually the 29th.”

Ladybug’s due date was marked on my calendar…on test day, when we were convinced we were pregnant.

There were a few other little confirmations, too, though not as significant. Like that her birthday is Jason’s half birthday and some personality traits there were so much like me or so much like Jason that it was humorous to us.

The last surprise came a couple days after our goodbye. A sweet friend, Brooke, called to let me know that her husband was dropping off a gift on our back doorstep. When I got home, I found a vase of 10 bright pink Gerber daisies. I love daisies. I walked through the back door, set them on the counter and bust into tears as I remembered. The night Ladybug arrived at our house, she was carrying a fake hot pink Gerber daisy. The twisted stem had a sharp wire at the base so I tucked it away in her bag the next day. No one knew about that daisy except my parents and the placement worker who dropped her off (and who had given it to her.)

I’m not sure exactly what that means but I don’t believe it was a coincidence. It’s Ladybug’s flower. Maybe it means God is going to take her 1 twisted fake flower and multiply it into 10 living flowers. Maybe it means Ladybug was the first of 10 kids. (Ack! Jason came up with that idea.) Or maybe it was just a sweet reminder that God loves us. He knows what we’re going through, He cares and He weeps with us.

5 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Ladybug | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

I Would Get Too Attached

09/12/2011

Every foster parent has heard this. It seems to be the default reaction from other parents when we explain what we do.

“I don’t think I could do that. I would get too attached.”

Usually my answer is, “There is no way not to get attached.” 

If I ever have the time, courage, (cockiness?) and eloquence for a long answer, here’s what I would say:

You’re right, you can’t do this; I can’t do this either.
God asked us to do something really, really hard.
It sucks.
But it’s worth it.
Because it’s not for our benefit.
It’s for them.
And for Him; for His glory.

I never intended to or attempted to not get attached.
These kids don’t need babysitters; they needs parents. Parents don’t hold back love for their children.
Yes, it will break our hearts.
We are aware of the risks God has asked us to take in this journey.
We’re willing to suffer for the sake of these little ones. For His sake.

Easier said than done.

If people were honest, instead of  “I would get too attached” they would just come right out and say: “I don’t want to suffer because of someone else’s mistakes.” Believe me, I fully understand. I am selfish, too. Maybe I should just say that next time.

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Phone Photo Friday

09/02/2011

We said goodbye to Ladybug yesterday. It was very sad, and there may still be some waves of grief coming. However, we are doing much better than I expected. I knew God would equip us for this journey He asked us to take and we have so many friends and family praying for us. I’m not sure if we’re on the other side of the storm or if we’re in a big safe bubble but I am so thankful for God’s grace. It truly is sufficient for us and His power really is made perfect through our weakness.

4 Comments | Art, Art: Bedoom for Foster Kids, Art: kids room, Art: Phone Photo Friday, Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Ladybug | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

What I Learned in My 1st Month of Parenting

08/31/2011

Our kids are not ours. We are not promised any number of days with them. This is especially evident for foster parents but it’s actual true for ALL parents. If we feel like we own our kids, we are mistaken. If we believe we can protect them from everything and keep them safe in our arms forever, it’s an illusion. I think the sooner all parents can grasp this, or un-grasp their kids, the better it is for everyone.

On the morning of our big team meeting where we knew we’d be hearing the details of how and why Ladybug will most likely be moved to live with a family member (as you can imagine a complicated, heart-wrenching decision which will ultimately be made by a judge…tomorrow), I decided to read the story of Abraham and Isaac again. It’s in Genesis 22 if you’re unfamiliar but the gist is this: Abraham had been promised a son and waited a really, really long time before his wife got pregnant. When Isaac finally arrived, Abraham absolutely adored him. He idolized him to the point God needed to test Abraham’s allegiance as it seemed that Isaac—the answer to Abraham’s prayers and a promise from God—had moved before God in Abe’s priorities. God had some really important plans for Abraham and Isaac so it was essential he stayed on course. The test was that God asked Abraham to give Isaac back to Him, to take his life as an offering to God. It wasn’t until God was sure that Abraham was really willing to do it, that He stopped him. After reading that story, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom picked up my quick daily devotional read, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

On August 23rd, this is what it said:

Entrust your loved ones to Me, surrender them to My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one–as well as yourself. 

Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father’s undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love. 

When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.

At some point every parent has to figuratively put Isaac on the alter and admit they don’t own their child, the Creator does and entrusts children to us as He sees fit.

Recognize each day as a gift. When you come to the place of accepting that you are not promised tomorrow, it’s easier to appreciate today. This is true not just for parents but all people. As a foster parent it is blatanly obvious – I have today. After that, I have no promises. You better believe we are making the most of everyday we have with little Ladybug.

Since this post is getting pretty heavy, here is some lightness…

Other beneficial side effects of [foster] parenting:
My biceps are huge! I mean, I’m a petite lady so my arms are still pretty scrawny but considering… I’ve got guns! I didn’t have the ease of working my way up from a 7 lb. baby to a heavy toddler… we went straight into parenting a 25 pounder. The first week my arms and lower back were killing me. Now, they barely hurt at all.

I’ve learned some pretty slick parenting techniques through our training and also just from living and learning. Of course, most of these tricks only work a handful of times so it’s an on-going cycle of learning, trying, succeeding, failing and moving on. For example, this temper tantrum technique worked beautifully and impressed some witnesses: Temper tantrum started. I laid the kid on the ground and said, “OK, go! Go ahead! Tantrum! I’m ready.” She looked at me bewildered. I said, “Come on! Yell!” I raised her arms above her head and jiggled them around fake screaming “Ahhhhh!” “And kick your feet!” I stomped her feet up and down and growled, “Ugh! I’m so mad!” By then she was laughing and the tantrum moment had past. I felt brilliant. But then it only worked a couple more times before she was on to me. Ten days later, the worst tantrum ever. I had to put her in her crib and walk away to keep her from hurting herself or me. You win some. You lose some.

People are so friendly to us in public. Strangers stop to comment on how beautiful she is. Ladybug is super friendly and says hi and waves to everyone at the grocery store, even if their backs are turned. An older woman at the grocery store even offered to return Jason’s shopping cart after he unloaded groceries into the silver bullet. “I remember what it was like grocery shopping with kids,” she smiled. An elder putting away a cart for a 28 year old dad. Imagine.

7 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Ladybug | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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