Advertisements
 

All of the Feelings

IMG_4329

I have the best community. Seriously, the best. So many people have been praying for our family and were anxiously waiting for news about the custody decision for Ali’s little sister. When I got the news first thing Monday morning, I sent the first texts with trembling hands. It was so much to process and wrap my brain around. I was dreading telling everyone who was waiting with us…because I knew it would open up a flood of texts, emails, phone calls, conversations…support. I just didn’t know if I was ready for all of that. How silly to think that way. I’m tremendously thankful for the tender words I’ve gotten from everyone, including you: my online community. Some of my very closest friends I have never met face-to-face.

The follow up question to my sharing of the news was what I was dreading: “How are you feeling?” I just don’t know. It’s cliché but the best answer: I’m feeling all of the feelings. I actually appreciated the “You doing okay?” question better because it’s more manageable. Yes. I’m doing okay. I will be okay. Then a dear friend (the kind of friend who will just hug you and let you cry) who invited us over for dinner and/or to drop Ali off for dinner so Jason and I could talk—I can’t even express how much that means to me.

After the initial shock, the first thing I felt was relief that the waiting was over. We’ve been waiting, putting our lives on hold in some ways, for 8 months. It’s been a long and exhausting fight. The last 10 days of the wait between the trial and the phone call were the most difficult.

Then I imagined her current caregiver—who I’ll now just refer to as her mom—getting the phone call at work on Monday morning just like I did. I imagined her weeping with relief and joy that the baby she loves so deeply and has poured her life into the past 7 months is with her for good (most likely…permanent custody is a tricky matter). I felt joy for her. And joy for baby girl who will go about her day just like any other day without any disruption.

But the grief and loss of the sibling relationship—a real, living-in-the-same-household-everyday sibling relationship—is intense. I feel the weight of it for my daughter who doesn’t really understand it all yet. She prays at night, “Thank you for baby [Trust] to come here and be with us.” She’s going to keep praying it every night and I’m going to have to keep reminding her everyday that it’s over; she’s not coming here to be live with us. Ali has had so much loss in her life already—both girls have—and I had hoped we could alleviate that one for them.

I won’t unpack all of my emotions here but suffice it to say I have disappointment, anger, frustration, confusion, grief, hope, trust, love… and it’s changing by the minute. I know that God has a good plan for our family and for baby Trust. I’ve never doubted that for a minute. I know He could have moved her to us. I believe that one day we’ll look back and it will make more sense.

This journey was not all a waste of time, money and energy. I can think of three significant, very personal things that God has taught me through this process. I know our involvement also sped up certain parts of the case that led to faster permanency for baby Trust. And now we have the confidence to look our daughter in the eyes when she asks, “Why didn’t you try to get my sister?” and we can answer her, “We did everything we could do.” When I hold her and dry her tears, I’ll cry too because I’m familiar with sorrow and I’m acquainted with grief, just like the One who holds me now and dries my tears.

Advertisements

4 Responses to All of the Feelings

  1. anniegoat says:

    I am so sorry. We’ve been there and it’s so hard. But I can’t wait to see the plans God has for your family. Open up the gates and watch His plan unfold.

  2. Instant Mama says:

    I find myself tearing up when other people share stories of pain (like at this very moment, for example) because I have felt pain and loss and grief. It sucks in some ways, but most if the time I am grateful that clichés no longer fly out of my mouth unsolicited, but instead I am willing to just listen, to hear their story, to share their pain. You’ll never hear me tell someone to “get over it” or “move on” because I know now that these are a lifelong process. Being acquainted with grief isn’t pretty, but it has added a depth to my life that would never exist otherwise. Still praying for you…!

  3. Becky says:

    First, Thank yoh for your helpful posts on the horizontal fencing. Our oroject will go smoothly because of your photojurnal.
    As for your post asbout Aki’s sister, I’m at a loss for words, so I’ll just share the first thought that came to mind, which was CSNY’s song “Love the One You’re With”. After a quick online search for the lyrics, I found it was quite on the mark.

    Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
    Don’t sit crying over good times you’ve had
    Well there’s a girl sitting right next to you
    And she’s just waiting for something to do

    Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
    And the eagle flies with the dove
    And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
    Love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with

  4. Becky says:

    First, Thank you for your helpful posts on the horizontal fencing. Our project will go smoothly because of your photojournal.
    As for your post asbout Ali’s sister, I’m at a loss for words, so I’ll just share the first thought that came to mind, which was CSNY’s song “Love the One You’re With”. After a quick online search for the lyrics, I found it was quite on the mark.

    Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
    Don’t sit crying over good times you’ve had
    Well there’s a girl sitting right next to you
    And she’s just waiting for something to do

    Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
    And the eagle flies with the dove
    And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
    Love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with
    You gotta love the one you’re with

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: