Where is her real mommy?
I knew questions like this would come but it still caught me off guard. The three year old girl didn’t ask me directly; it was a question for her mom who was telling me later—and perhaps also asking. We’re loose acquaintances so she doesn’t know our story. That mom had suggested to her daughter that she ask Alianna. I told her Ali wouldn’t know how to answer that question. I left it at that. I could have said so much more and I’ve been mulling over what I should have or could have said for hours now.
The question bothers me partly because of the word real. Anyone who knows about adoption etiquette knows that’s a buzz word. I’m her real mom. Her biological mom is her real mom. Neither of us is fake or pretend. We’ve both very real and we’ve both very mom. Alianna is my real daughter and we’re a real family. It also bothers me a bit that this mother and daughter discussed the possible reasons for Ali’s adoption… “Maybe her real mom was sick.” The answer to this question is too complicated for a three year old and too personal for a loose acquaintance.
I’m pretty gracious with adoption questions and I don’t expect everyone to have the right words to use. However, the reason this poorly-worded, intrusive question made me sick to my stomach was the thought of a three year old peer asking it to my two year old daughter. Ali is confident and out-going but she would have no idea how to answer this question in 2.5 year old terms. I hate to think that it would give her a moment of panic… Is my mom not real? Is she not my real mom? Is she lost?
The three year old girl must be observing that often families match skin and hair colors. (Or has someone pointed it out to her?) We were in a fairly diverse setting but apparently transracial families and adoptive families are not common in her circles. I asked Ali later if she’s noticed that we don’t look alike—that she has brown skin and black curly hair and mommy has lighter skin—I stopped myself there because the look she was giving me said, No kidding. Why would or should we look alike? I might as well have been asking if she’s noticed the sky is blue and the grass is green. Then I realized that adoptive and transracial families are very common in our lives. It’s probably never crossed her might that we “should” look alike. There is nothing unusual about her family from her perspective at this point in her life.
Since I’ve been over-analyzing this conversation, I’ve come up with a response for this three year old girl in preschool terms. Here it goes:
I am Ali’s real mommy. She had a different mommy before me. She grew in her first mommy’s tummy. Her birth mommy loved Ali very much but she wasn’t able to take care of her so some helpers found Ali new parents—us. We adopted Ali into our family and we’ve been her parents ever since.
If she wants to know why her birth mom couldn’t take care of her: She was dealing with some really big grown-up problems and she needed to learn how to take better care of herself.
If she wants to know who the helpers were: They’re social workers who work for agencies—Child Protective Services and the Department of Childrens Services—that watch out for kids to make sure that they’re safe and their needs are met.
If she wants to know what adoption is: It’s when a judge decrees that we’re a real, official family—real parents and a real child—forever and ever.
If she wants to know where her birth mom is now: I don’t know for sure. She still lives in Nashville but we don’t see her very often.
(Picture at the top is Alianna with her birth mommy—her other real mommy. Blurred for her privacy.)
I LOVE this! Our son also has darker skin that we do and I know we’ll get questions as he gets older. Thanks for such an honest approach. I shared with my FB friends. 🙂
I have mixed children and my oldest is 17. He is a foot taller than me and obviously our skin doesn’t match and I have blonde hair that is straight and he has brown curly long hair. I had him at 16 so I am young and I know that makes people question things but every time I take him to the doctor we are asked where his parents are. I tell them that I am his mother and they look at me as if I just told them I am Michael Jordan!! He doesn’t look like me and he looks like he could be my boyfriend but I promise you….he is my son. I never think about it as a color difference though and reading your blog made me think that maybe that is why they are asking me questions!?!? I don’t think in color….I think in love!! In your situation, I would just tell them that you are her real mom….you sure aren’t fake!!! Ali looks like she is mixed to me and if that is the case, either one of you could be her bio parents!!! Don’t let someone’s poor wording (no matter their age) make you question anything….you are her REAL mom….you are her mom no matter what!!
Great answer to a challenging question. My two daughters look A LOT like me. Still when it’s discovered they’re adopted questions come about their “real” mom. I’m always caught off guard and quickly respond, “I am their real mom.” It’s more for my girls than the questioner.
I love what Mamma said. Your answers are great and fine, but sometimes, especially with kids, you don’t have to even go there! Of course, sometimes it is nice to bring up adoption even if you don’t have to, just to expose the world to it a little more. You know my thoughts on the “real” thing – I’m their real mom, and it doesn’t get any more real than this! They are my real kids – trust me, there’s nothing fake about them!