Foster Parenting on Hold

12/12/2011

Because we are selling our house and haven’t started building our new home yet, we had to put our home on hold with DCS. That means we won’t be accepting any new foster placements for a while. It could end up being almost a year, which is hard because we feel really burdened for the kids who need places to go and parents to love them, especially around the holidays. It breaks my heart to have to say no to a call…and we had been getting a couple calls a week before we asked our case manager to take our name of the list for now.

One particular call was so hard to say no to. Usually the placement worker starts off with just the child(ren)’s age(s) and gender(s) and that’s as far as the conversation goes unless we say we’re interested. But as we were driving home from Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania, I got a call and the worker went straight into describing the situation. It was for a 6 year old boy whose mother had been shot by her boyfriend the night before. Their only family was in another country. Our hearts were so broken for that boy and we really wanted to say yes. Jason, my dad and I took a moment to pray for the kiddo, poor guy. (My mom was napping at the time.) It was even more heartbreaking to hear about the story on the news in the following days and to talk to my friend who is an ER nurse at the hospital where his 8-month pregnant mom was taken. The baby also died. So sad.

But, we don’t want to say yes, welcome a child into our home and then have to send him or her off to another foster just because we’re moving. It wouldn’t be fair to the kid. We want to be available for as long as we’re needed for the child—forever, if that’s how the situation works out. We’re building a bigger home so we can have room for more children but in the meantime, it’s difficult to not be able to do more to help. I’m afraid I might just have to become a foster parenting advocate and try to recruit more people to become foster parents.

You should do it. Seriously? What’s stopping you?

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Birth Parent Visit

12/08/2011

Precious’ mother requested two more visits before she surrenders her parental rights to us. I really wasn’t sure what to expect from our first meeting. We met her mother—let’s call her Brave, because she is—once before at a meeting at DCS and it didn’t go real well. But at this visit, the interactions between Brave and Precious were much better than I expected and for that I’m thankful. As awkward as it was and considering what a mess this all is, I realize now how truly valuable an open adoption can be.

Because we love Precious so much, I find it impossible to not care about Brave. Even if we’re angry about things that happened to Precious in the past, I see so much value in Brave. She holds a wealth of information about Precious’ family medical history, her ethnicity and heritage, her biological half-siblings, etc. The most valuable thing to me is to witness Brave’s love for Precious. There is no doubt that Precious is loved and wanted.

I call her Brave because what she is doing requires so much courage. She’s obviously a smart woman who has made some really bad choices. And she knows it. She openly admits that she made mistakes, putting her vices before her children. Brave is working hard to get her life back on track. Even so, she wants to release Precious to us so we can adopt her because she believes it’s what’s best for her and for us. Now that takes a lot of strength.

As much as God loves adoption, He loves restoration. I would love to see Brave’s life redeemed. And I am so thankful for the gift of Precious. It’s far from a picture-perfect story but I’m thankful Jason and I could be available for Precious when she needed us and to hear Brave say she’s thankful too—that means so much.

Could you imagine loving your child so much that you would willing let her go? She’s very brave. We’re eternally grateful.

12 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Worth Fighting For

11/10/2011

My friend Susan commented the other day that my posts lately have been so real and so raw…letting you all feel the emotions, anxiety, pain and love we’re going through. That was intentional, so I’m glad it’s coming through. (Hopefully my MCM design enthusiast readers don’t mind too much.) I discovered Chazley’s Blog the other day. She’s a foster mom and an excellent writer and I was really challenged by the transparency about her struggles. I want to be honest about how much this process we’re in sucks and at the same time why it is worth every minute of the hell we go through for these kids.

I have other things to write about, home related, exciting things, really big news, I promise. But right now all of that feels so insignificant compared to the battle we’re in. Yes, a battle. We are fighting for this little girl and what we strongly believe is her best interest. Some days are painfully discouraging, others are emotional draining as we’re reading through policies and making lots of phone calls, and other days are surprisingly encouraging.

Surprisingly encouraging. That sounds fun. Let’s hang out there for a minute. Precious had a permanency plan hearing the other day. It’s supposed to be just routine judge signing off on the department’s plan for permanency for the child (typical goals are reunification with birth family, adoption or sometimes exiting state custody with a relative.) It would have been simple in this case, too. However, at what would have been the end of the hearing, one of Precious’ advocates boldly stepped out and raised concerns about the proposed move. I really shouldn’t say too much since I don’t want to jeopardize anything but let me just say this, it seems there is a growing number of people who believe moving her to another home is not in her best interest. It’s far from over but we’re feeling really encouraged. We have not run out of options yet.

I woke up the next morning with praises in my head. It was a song we had sung on Sunday, a day when I was feeling completely deflated by all of this and my spirit was having a hard time convincing my body and mind to worship. But unlike on Sunday, that morning it filled me up with joy and hope. The chorus that was stuck in my head goes, “What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord! What peace, what peace for those whose comfort is Him alone!” and the verse says this: “You made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in it. Your promises remain. You give justice to the weak. You care for the widow and orphan. Forevermore You reign.” (The song starts at 20:20 in this video recording from 11/6/11 if you want to hear it. Bonus: Jason was playing guitar on the worship team last Sunday.) I stopped in Precious’ room to say goodbye to her before I left for work and was greeted with the most gigantic smile. She is a beautiful, sweet, joyful little girl and that smile is all the fuel I need to stand up and fight for her.

I pray that someday Jason and I can sit down with our daughter and tell her about what a ruckus we caused on her behalf, how hard we fought for what we believed was best for her, how many people were involved in the battle for her, and how it was all worth it, because she is worth it.

9 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Loving, Losing and (Not) Letting Go

11/07/2011

After we let Ladybug go, it took three weeks before we felt like our hearts were ready to love another child. Then we accepted the placement call for Precious. Loving again was easy. I was ready to love again. But I’m not ready to lose a child again. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. We knew when we became foster parents that loving the kids wouldn’t be the hard part, it would be letting them go that would be difficult. And it has been. It hurts like hell. What I was not at all prepared for was the tangled mess of policies and players (case workers, CASA workers, guardians ad litem, placement specialists, adoption specialists, judges, birth family, kin, etc.)

We’re in a very difficult situation right now. How can I explain this without giving away too much information… Let’s say Precious has several older siblings. Two of them, BoBo and LaLa (not their real names, of course) were adopted by a foster mother named Sue (not real name). Sue was called to be a kinship placement for Precious when she came into state custody but she declined. Sue is not related to Precious but would be considered kinship because the kids are biologically related. No other family or kinship (friends, godparents, church members, etc.) were identified so Precious ended up with us: random foster parents. Now, 6+ weeks later, the department has identified a woman named Patty (not real name) who wants her and hopes to adopt her since that’s where Precious’ case is leading. Patty is good friends with Sue so she spends a lot of time around BoBo and LaLa and is considered their godmother. Patty has never met Precious but has crossed paths with her birth mother a few times when Sue initiated some visits between her and BoBo and LaLa on holidays and birthdays. The department is now considering Patty to be kinship under their “broad definition of kin.” Although really the policy says to be considered kinship, the adult should have an existing relationship with the child or at the very least an actual relationship with the birth parent. The department says they made a mistake by overlooking Patty initially and now they’re trying to fix their mistake. Precious and her siblings have never met her so there is no existing bond or relationship. We have expressed that we would also be willing to allow Precious to stay in touch with BoBo and LaLa if we can adopt her.

So let me make this really simple: they want to move Precious out of the home she’s in now with two foster parents who have been loving and adoring her for half of her life and are completely attached to her (and she seems pretty fond of; see picture above) into the home of a woman she has no relationship with, who is not family, where she will not be living with her siblings, because this foster mother is friends with the adoptive mother of her siblings. Does that seem like it’s in the best interest of the child? We think not. Some of the players think not. The decision making ones think so. So we’re fighting it.

As foster parents we are asked to love the children as if they are our own, to consider them fully a part of our family as long as they’re with us and to be an advocate for them. Especially in the case of a child who is too young to communicate, we have to stand up for what we believe is best for her. It’s not that we want to keep her just out of selfish desires and avoiding a painful loss, we believe it’s our great love for her that propels us to fight for what is best for her. What is best for her is to be in a home with people who love her and already have a relationship and attachment to her, and vice-versa. Staying in touch with biological siblings is important and we’re not disregarding that, but because there is no currently existing sibling relationship, it doesn’t seem like that should trump the parental relationship that currently exists between her and us.

I’m sharing this for several reasons… to be honest about the struggle we’re in right now and how much it’s tearing at our hearts, to be open about the kind of policy mess that can surround each child welfare case, to shed light on what we believe to be an unjust situation and more than anything to ask for your prayers as all this is being figured out. The department has essentially made their decision but there are a few things we can do to challenge their position.

It ain’t over yet…

12 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Precious/Ali | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Precious Week 1, By The Numbers

09/29/2011

7: Number of days we’ve had our Precious 2-month old

1: Number of blow-outs that have required a bath and full wardrobe change. For both of us.

6: Number of days Jason was on the road during our first week. God has a funny way with timing the arrivals of our babies…

1: Bottle she came with

7: Total number of bottles we now have

1: Pacifier she came with

3: Pacifiers we now have

6: Bibs that Precious came with

26: Total number of bibs we now have thanks to family and friends

50: Approximate number of diapers we’ve gone through

30: Dollars worth of formula used in a week. At least.

7: Average number of hours slept straight through the night. Hallelujah!

15: Approximately how many giant, slobbery smiles we get a day

18: Average number of hours per day that a 2 month old sleeps

24: Ounces of formula a 12-pounder requires a day

4: Loads of laundry done this week (not too bad!)

8: Times I’ve cried this week between the Empowered to Connect conference, worshipping, missing Ladybug and grieving for Precious’s situation (9 if you count the onion I was cutting up for potato soup.)

4: Cups of coffee I’ve had (I’m NOT a coffee drinker)

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Posted by mahlbrandt

Everything changes…

08/02/2011

when you love some, love some, love someone… (Cue the Kathy Troccoli song from the 80s)

In this case, I’m busy loving someone 2.5 feet tall. I can’t tell you her name or show you a picture, sorry. But trust me, she is absolutely beautiful! On Thursday night we were placed with a little girl. She is so sweet, silly, playful, cuddly and fun. She’s a great eater and a great sleeper. She really could not be more perfect. We’re not sure what the future holds beyond this week (we’ll find out more on Friday) but for now we are savoring every minute with her.

I’ll try to keep up with my blogging this week but no promises. There are more important matters to attend to, if ya know what I mean. And my posts might be a little bit centered around her, because, well, my brain is pretty consumed right now as I was just thrust into the world of being “Mama!” (that’s what little girl has been calling me) for the first time with an almost 1.5 year old, in a very unique way. Thank God for the wonderful support of my family and friends, especially my mom. Jason was out of the country on a short, week-long trip to Scandinavia when I got the call so the first 3.5 days I was on my own. On my own with my mom never more than a phone call or text away, and often with us, too.  I’m so glad Jason’s back now and he absolutely loves her and is a huge help! He’s an awesome daddy. I knew he would be.

9 Comments | Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Ladybug, Family: Me | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

Call #2: Up in the Air

07/28/2011

On Monday we got our second call for a foster care placement. The placement worker left a voicemail for Jason. He called me as soon as his plane was on the ground and he got the message but it was already too late. It was for one little girl. We probably would have said yes. I am at peace about it—I’m believing she ended up in a good home and things turned out the way they were supposed to. But, it’s hard to wrap my brain around it all… one phone call can change everything. Missing a call (by 35 minutes) can change everything.

Instead of going over to a friends house for dinner, cake and a birthday celebration Monday night, I could have been fumbling around with setting up our car seat, running to Kroger for diapers and formula and baby food (and Googling what you can feed a 9 month old), calling my boss to let him know I may or may not be stopping in to the office tomorrow, texting my friends to start praying, calling my mama to say HELP! But tonight that little baby girl will be laying her head down to sleep at another house and I’ll be going about business as usual. Again, I have complete peace about how it all worked out, it’s just strange to think about how differently this week could have turned out. And “business as usual” feels a little lame.

Seeing as we’ve had 2 calls in 5 days, I imagine we’ll get a placement soon. I have a tangle of contrasting emotions: excited, scared, hopeful, sad… It’s beautiful thing, foster parenting, and also a horrible thing. I wish the need for it didn’t exist. I know I’m only seeing and understanding the tip of the iceberg at this point.

One of my co-workers aptly put it in an email the other day, This is truly a unique journey.

4 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Me | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

The Long & Short of It: We are Becoming Parents

04/21/2011

You read that right the other day (if you made it all the way to the last line), Jason and I are becoming foster parents. I feel the need to explain why we’re doing this crazy thing. It’s not because we can’t have kids biologically or that we’re impatient with trying (though that might be a valid reason for some people.) It’s not because we want to adopt and becoming foster parents is an easier and cheaper way to do it (though it is definitely cheaper and in some ways might be easier.) Our reason is ultimately because God has called us to do this. He has put it heavily on our hearts the past few months and has made it clear that this is His plan for us. We probably will have kids biologically some day. We probably will adopt one day. But today, we are moving down the path of becoming foster parents.

Our pastor Lindell Cooley often says God can’t steer a parked car. Jason and I have talked about adoption occasionally over the last decade but this past year we started researching it and talking about it more. Through online exploration we found our way to foster care and I felt a new door creak open in my heart, revealing a passion God had been quietly working on for many years. We talked about it, prayed about it and took the first step of faith by calling around to the local foster care agencies to find out where we’d be a good fit and how to get started. The car moved into drive and God has been steering it ever since. It’s picking up momentum and we’re fully trusting Father that it’s going to be an exciting, amazing ride, and though scary at times, we know He is in control and lovingly directing us.

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Here’s how it works, in case you’re as unfamiliar with the foster care system as we were a few months ago. When child abuse or neglect is discovered kids are removed from their parents and taken into state custody. The state makes every effort to locate another family member or family friend who can care for the kids. If no family member can be found, the kids will be placed with foster parents who are licensed and trained by the state. The goal in almost all cases is for the kids to eventually be reunified with their birthparents. The birthparents are given an outline of the aspects of their lives that need to get in order over a certain timeline so they can get their kids back. There is a real ministry opportunity for foster parents to build relationships with birthparents to encourage them and cheer them on towards restoration of their family. A judge with the guidance of case workers and lawyers will determine if and when the kids can be returned to their birthparents. If the parents are unable or unwilling to comply with the courts, sometimes their parental rights are terminated. (Around 25% of the time.) At that point, the children become legally free to adopt and the state tries to find a permanent home for them. The foster parents are typically the first choice if they are willing to adopt because the kids already have formed healthy, loving attachments there.

Our plans are to open our home up to a child or sibling set of 2 (they try really hard to keep siblings together) up to age 5. We understand and support that the goal in most cases is for the kids to be reunified with their parents. However, if we are caring for any kids who become adoptable, we will likely adopt them. The state covers all costs for adoption and offers foster parents a daily stipend to assist with costs for child care (food, clothing, medical expenses, etc.) There is minimal monetary cost to us through this process but the potential emotional cost is high. We have 3 more weeks of training, then 30 days or so of home studies. We should be certified and can take our first placement by sometime in June.

The most common reason I hear for why someone says they could never be  foster parent is that it would hurt too much to fall in love with a child and then have to let him or her go. I know it’s true. It will hurt. It will probably tear our hearts out. It might just kill us. Maybe everyday. I’m pretty sure that’s God’s plan. Because the more we die, the more He can live in us and through us. These kids need the kind of unconditional love, acceptance, healing, restoration, patience, forgiveness and joy that we, in our human limitations, cannot offer. But God can. He is more than able to take care of His babies. He will take care of these dear little ones. He will take care of us. He will take care of you.

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How you can help:

Pray for us. We’ll take all the strength, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, energy, unity, etc. that God is willing to pour out.

Pray for the kids. There are approx. 9,000 kids in foster care in Tennessee right now. And probably many more who are in abusive situations that have not yet been reported. Pray for their safety and protection. Pray for their salvation. Pray that they would be moved to a better situation. Pray against fear, bitterness, lies from the enemy.

Pray for the parents. Pray for wisdom and good decisions, for restoration and salvation. Pray for humility to ask for help and resources to meet their needs and their kids needs.

Pray for more foster and adoptive parents. There are kids here in Tennessee and every state, babies not yet born all across the US, and children all around the world who need homes. I can’t wait for the day when there are waiting lists of foster parents in this country because there are more safe homes ready to accept children than there are hurting kids who need loving parents. I believe it will happen someday. I’ve heard a statistic that if 1 family out of every Christian church in the United States would foster children, there would be no more kids waiting for homes in this country.

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Will this affect my blog? Yes. How—I’m not sure yet. Even though my blog tagline is “musings on a life inspired by art, faith and family” I realize most of my posts are home related. Foster parenting weighs heavier on the faith and family side of things, however art is infused through every aspect of our lives and our home is our favorite canvas. For now, I’m planning on writing about our foster parenting journey at least once a week. We’re currently in the rapid-pace process of education and training, going to appointments, and filling out stacks of paperwork. We are also in hyper-nesting mode preparing our home with projects (like the chalkboard door, repainting the nightstand, finishing up the fence) and researching and shopping for kid stuff (like strollers, cribs, beds, car seats, toys). So I’ve got plenty of bloggy material, is what I’m saying. If you’d like to hear more or less about our foster parenting adventure, please let me know in the comment section below.

(Image above is from Petit Collage. I won a gift certificate for the shop from Design Mom last year and got this alphabet poster among other things.)

10 Comments | Faith, Family, Family: Foster Parenting, Family: Jason, Family: Me | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by mahlbrandt

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